New Years Eve and the new year looks great.

Current Weight: 264.0 lbs
Lost This Week: 1.0 lbs

First, I couldn't actually weigh in tonight because the gym is closed but I did weigh in last night and I was at 263.8lbs so in the name of "weight changes from day to day" I am putting it in as 264lbs, giving me a one pound loss. Not too bad considering it was the week with Christmas eve and Christmas day binges. So I'm happy to have lost over Christmas.

Secondly, it's New Years Eve! I'd say this past year has been a successful one, I've really been getting my life on track and I'm feel better than I have in years. Weight Watchers is certainly one of the most positive changes I've made in my life. I've also pushed myself even harder at the gym, made huge leaps in my fitness. There have been bad points in the year too, primarily the chronic issues with my foot and the surgery to correct them being cancelled. The surgery is happening in January so at least it will finally be done. But really, this year has been fantastic.

I am going to do something I have never done -- I am going to make some goals to achieve for the year. Nothing crazy or uncontrollable, but things that I believe I can achieve and should focus on.

• I want to have my foot surgery, have it repaired and finally have that behind me. Being able to do the workout that I feel I can do and want to do but not be able to because of the torn ligament in my foot and the pain it causes.... well, it is frustrating. So I eager to have it behind me. 
• I want to have lost 50 pounds by this time next year. I think that if I wasn't having my foot surgery that number would actually be too low a goal, but my weight loss is largely due to how active I am. After the surgery my gym time is going to take a major major hit, and even once the cast comes off I'm going  to be quite lame so that's going to slow things down a lot for quite a while. So I think 50lbs is doable considering the constraints.
•  I want to start running on the treadmill. Right now I can't due to my foot and the pain that sort of impact causes it, but I have been thinking for a while now that it is an activity I think I would really enjoy. So once my foot is healed, the cast is off, I've been able to go back to the gym for a little while and if a physiotherapist/doctor gives me the go-ahead, I really think I'd like to give running a shot. 

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Hunger: moderate, but I'm waiting for Tiff to arrive before I eat
Body Image: pretty good!
General disposition: pumped
Song of the day: Feelin' Good by Nina Simone

Gain? Maybe.

Well, today has been spectacular. Truly. I took today off work even though I got back home yesterday afternoon. I took it so that I could finally get some proper sleep and heaven help me I needed it. I went to bed around 11:30 and woke up at 10am and had an amazing night's sleep. My bed is lightyears better than the crap hard tiny one at my parents' house.  Taking today off also gave me the time to have a good gym session. Between the sleep and the gym I am now feeling so much better. However, I weighed myself this morning at the gym before my workout and it looks like I have definitely gained a little, about 2.5lbs. Not too bad, and since I don't weigh in until thursday so I am hoping to get it down around a pound gain.

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Hunger: nope
Body Image: okay, all things considered
General disposition: alright
Song of the day: Wishing Well by Bad Company

It begins anew.

So Christmas is basically done. Overall it was fun, though I am really sore and tired due to the fact that I had to sleep on a very hard twin bed here at my parents' house. I hate that bed. A lot. Horrible bed aside, I feel like over all I was successful over Christmas weightloss wise. I kept active, going to the gym 5 times last week, and stayed totally on point except for the 24th and 25th. I never intended to stay strict those days so I'm calling the holiday a win over all. If, on the off chance, I have a gain this week when I weigh in on thursday it shouldn't be much so I'm contented.

Also, I got a lot of comments on my weight loss on the 24th and 25th. People are really impressed and proud of me, which was something I really wanted to hear. Maybe even needed to hear. I have a long ways to go yet, but I still feel like it is something I can do. And now that Christmas is done I am anxious to get back into my normal pattern and controlled eating habits, get back to my normal gym routine.

Anyway, I basically just want to go home now. I'm tired and cranky and just want to be back in my own apartment, in my own bed, and with some time alone. I love my family and all that stuff but I am worn out. I have a vacation day for the year still remaining and I was considering taking New Years Eve off, but since Tiff won't be arriving that night until ~9pm and since I am so worn out now, I actually think I'm going to take monday off work and just spend the day relaxing by myself at home.

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Hunger: just had lunch so I'm good.

Body Image: meh

General disposition: over tired, a little cranky

Song of the day: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

Screw the weigh in. I'm sure I'm fine.

Well, tomorrow is Christmas Eve and it is also my weigh in day. The scales here suck and are inaccurate so I don't quite know what I want to do in terms of weighing. I mostly want to just put in the same weight I had last week and then weigh properly next week. That way there won't be any inaccuracies or weird fluctuations. Yeah, I think that is what I'll do.

That said I have been very active this week. I have gone to the gym three of the four days I have been home, and have done really good workouts so I think I should probably be fine weight wise this week even though I have also eaten a fair bit. I'm just not that concerned I guess, because as it stands I have 39.5 activity points left for the week and my points reset tomorrow. The plan is also for my sister and I to go to the gym tomorrow too, so that'll help get next week off to a good start, trying to offset Christmas Eve food and Christmas Day dinner. But again, I'm not overly concerned. Even if I had a bit of a gain this week I have quite a high level of confidence come next week's weigh in I will still be down. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I guess we'll see.

Time for a nap with my warm warm cat now. I have to be up really late tonight picking my eldest sister up from the airport so I need to rest now.

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Hunger: I'm full
Body Image: not great, actually
General disposition: tired and cold
Song of the day: Ramble On by Led Zeppelin

So far so anti-climactic.

Well, I don't know what I was expecting but so far other than one aunt people haven't said anything about my weight loss. It is forty five freekin' pounds people... feel free to at least say there is something different about me because I KNOW you see a difference. Even the awkward, "Uh, have you lost weight?" comment would be welcome. But no reaction? That's just annoying. I know I know, I shouldn't need external validation that what I am doing is working and that I should be proud of it on my own, internal motivation and all that crap.... but I really hoped my family would comment. I swear to mercy, when my sister Leah arrives tomorrow she better make a little bit of a fuss. I deserve that much. ha ha ha

Anyway, lack of acknowledgement or not, tomorrow I am going on a quest to identify which gym around here will give me a few day passes for cheap that also has good facilities. And then, of course, I intend to go to said gym and get in a good workout tomorrow. I think that'll be good, though I don't think it is overly necessary. So far I have stayed totally on track food wise and still have around forty points (between my weekly points and my activity points) at my disposal. It isn't about the points though, but more about keeping the routine and also giving myself time away from the family chaos.

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Hunger: nada
Body Image: alright
General disposition: fairly indifferent, kinda tired
Song of the day: Riu Riu Chu by Sixpence None The Richer

Christmas Goal Achieved... now all I have to do is survive Christmas

Current Weight: 265.0 lbs
Lost This Week: 2.8 lbs

Awesome loss this week! Okay, so it is a little too much, and this is my second greater-than-two-pounds loss week in a row, but hell yeah! I am now at 265lbs and that feels awesome. I reached my Christmas goal a week early, which is fantastic. I was wondering if it was a bit of a lofty goal, but clearly not. This also brings me to a little over 10lbs to lose before my surgery and that is feeling very doable. I have 6 weeks, after all, and even with the Christmas break I think that is reachable.

Speaking of going, I am heading home for the holidays on Saturday. Most of my relatives haven't seen me in months, some not since the summer before I joined Weight Watchers. I've lost almost 45lbs in that time and gained an enormous amount of muscle (so it looks like I have lost more than 45lbs), and while most people know I've been losing weight, it is one thing to hear it and something entirely different to see it. In a shallow way, I am excited to see people's reactions. What I really would like is at least one exclamation of "Holy Shit!" when they see me. Ha ha ha! I also hope to keep losing over Christmas holidays, or at the very least stay the same. I actually feel like I can probably keep losing. I'm not going to drive myself nuts by it, but I am going to do my best. Weighing myself while home is going to be a bit touchy since my parents' scale is ancient and not very accurate, but at least it will give me a ballpark.


It also just occurred to my that I am only 8 pounds away from hitting the 50lbs mark. Holy hell. I'm so amazed and impressed at how well Weight Watchers works and how easy it is to follow. It truly is no effort  at all anymore for me and I am getting amazing results. This really is just something that works if you want it to. I'm so glad I gave it a shot. :)

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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: kick ass!
General disposition: Proud and excited... and Christmasy
Song of the day: What Christmas Means To Me by Hanson

It seems impossible but it is true.

Just now it struck me how much I have changed, and not in terms of my eating (which has changed tremendously as well). No, I am referring to my activity level. Not that long ago I was intensely sedentary and inactive. I had a thousand excuses for why I didn't need to move, why I couldn't do something, why it was better or more important to stay sitting on my butt. I am sincerely embarrassed when I think about it, but then I think about where I am now.... I am a completely different person now. I go to the gym most days, and I push myself really hard. I have gone from totally inactive to working out extremely hard, increasing the difficulty constantly, and pushing myself to the breaking point. The change is so dramatic that I don't think anyone who knew me back them would have ever believed it would be possible. 


Tonight was an amazing example. I had done my usual cardio workout on the elliptical and was starting into my three minute cool down when I thought to myself, "I think I can keep going...." and so I did. I did an extra ten minutes just because I didn't feel exerted enough. So now, rather than looking for excuses not to exercise, I am finding reasons to push harder and to keep going. When I finally finished I felt amazing, both physically and psychologically. I literally thought to myself how going to the gym and working out like that has become better than sex (and how that was really strange).


Anyway, I guess my point is that if I could talk to myself before all this I would tell myself that as impossible and insane as it feels, exercise can become the thing you most look forward to in your day, that the gym can become your refuge, your place to release, the source of a huge amount of positivity in your life. I don't know if past-me would have listened or believed, but it is something today-me would try very very hard to convince past-me of.


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Hunger: Moderately high
Body Image: very positive
General disposition: awed
Song of the day: Cosmic Girl by Jamiroquai

I want to eaaaaaat

Oh. My. God.

I don't know why, don't know what the trigger is, but I am feeling incredibly ravenous. I want to eat absolutely everything, but I already used all my weekly points. I honestly am feeling suffocated by cravings for bad-for-me stuff, but mostly I just have an urge to eat non stop. It is annoying. I'm going to go to the gym soon, work in some activity points and maybe at least work up an appetite to justify my desire to eat everything a little. I sadly need to go to the grocery store due to a complete lack of food. The lack of food is a good thing because it means I can't binge eat like I want but it also means I have no food for a proper meal when I need to actually eat.Going grocery shopping whilst bingey isn't going to be fun.

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Hunger: Not hungry but I want to eat everything
Body Image: who cares! Just let me eat!
General disposition: ravenous!
Song of the day: Eat It by Weird Al Yankovick

FOURTY POUNDS LOST! WHEEEE!

Current Weight: 267.8 lbs
Lost This Week: 3.0 lbs

Awwwww yeah! I have officially lost 40lbs since joining Weight Watchers! HELL YES! And I'm out of the 270s!! FREG YEAH! Plus, I had a big loss this week of 3lbs, which makes up for some pretty mediocre losses lately. I feel great about this milestone. It is extremely gratifying and I feel very proud and motivated to keep going. I mean, any plan that allows me to eat a whack of brie and cured salami over the weekend and still lose 3lbs is fine by me. ha ha


The three pound loss gets me super close to my goal of 265lbs before Christmas. I have only 2.8 pounds left and 2 weeks to do it. Definitely doable. Plus my goal of losing 15 before my surgery is looking good too. 12 more pounds to lose and 7 weeks to do it in feels fairly doable. It would feel so good to be in the 250's before my surgery. So so good. So we'll see. 
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Hunger: Pretty high, but I haven't had supper yet so that is reasonable
Body Image: not bad. Not bad at all.
General disposition: Extremely accomplished
Song of the day: Celebrity Status by Marinas Trench

Stupid coat

Yup, my coat is way too big and makes me look way bigger than I am. Boo. Stupid coat.
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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: Blorpy and gross
General disposition: nostaligic
Song of the day: For Your Entertainment - Adam Lambert

But, it's cold outside! I want to wear my coat!

I'm irritated. Why? Well, it has finally gotten too cold for my denim jacket, even with one of my 17 scarves (I love scarves.). Admitting defeat, I hauled out my winter coats this weekend and both are insanely too big. I mean, yes, it makes sense. I have lost a significant amount of weight and even more inches since last winter (I was losing before I joined WW) so obviously the coats are going to be too big. But still.... My parka is so oversized that I could fit two people in it with me. I am seriously swimming in fabric. I feel like a 5 year old wearing my dad's jacket or something. Extra insulting is that while you wouldn't necessarily think it, all the extra room makes it way less cozy and warm and it is now downright drafty!

More tragic than my drafty parka is that my lovely dressier coat (shown in the above photo taken the day I bought it) is literally hanging off me. When I first got it I had to move the buttons so that it would be looser. Actually you can even see in this picture that it is so tight it was pulling at the buttons. Now, however, I don't think I can move the buttons enough to make it fit because they'll be across the pocket!! GRR! I love(d) that coat! It does NOT look good anymore. Boo hiss.

Now, the temptation is to go out and buy a new winter coat but I just don't have the money and frankly I rather expect that come next year I will have lost enough weight to need a new coat all over again. So instead I am going to suffer with my dumpy-looking oversized winter coats for this year and next year get a proper new one that fits and that I love. That will be my reward for looking dumpy this winter.

So let this be a warning to you all -- weight loss, while awesome and gratifying, can wreak havoc on your outerwear options.

also, what the hell is up with my hair in that picture?! I almost recommend clicking on the picture to see the full size, just so that you can really get the full scope of how ridiculous my hair is. Seriously, what the freg was I thinking? Could my face look rounder and fatter?? Lord Almighty. I can haz fashion sense? Thank heavens I have tidied up my appearance since then. LOL

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Hunger: perfectly fine

Body Image: pretty good

General disposition: irritated

Song of the day: Baby It's Cold Outside - Dean Martin

Don't look my weight?

Okay so the whole surgery cancellation this is a massive pain in my ass but it has lead to my discovering something strange -- apparently I really don't look my weight. When I was speaking to my father about how my surgery was cancelled I said something along the lines of "How could this have happened? By simply looking at me you can see that I am way over 200lbs." His reply was that no, it wasn't a given anymore and that he frankly assumed that my current weight was around 200lbs. As a doctor I thought he would have been able to estimate weight better! But then when I was speaking with my sister, who is extremely fit and very into fitness in general, and was commening on how off the mark dad was and her reply was "Well, I guess I would have assumed the same thing! I wouldn't have necessarily guessed you were over 200lbs."

I know that I am very muscular and that while I have lost a lot of weight and LOT of inches I have also gained a lot of muscle mass over the past year or so, therefore I knew that I don't look like the full 270lbs that I weigh. However, I thought it was like a 20lb threshold, not a 70lb one. I honestly can't believe that I look anywhere near 200lbs. I just don't. Muscle or not, I still have a giant ass and thighs. LOL

Also, for what it is worth, I didn't disclose to my father my actual weight. It isn't his business, and it just isn't worth the sad and uncomfortable comments he would no doubt make about how he couldn't believe I had ever been as high a weight as I was. However, my incredulity over him thinking I was near 200lbs probably tipped him off to how wrong he was. ha ha ha
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Hunger: not too bad.
Body Image: alright, though my sweater is a little short so I am very aware of my stomach
General disposition: just okay
Song of the day: Nothing Is Too Wonderful To Be True - Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Original Broadway Cast

Who knew not having surgery would be so disruptive!

Current Weight: 270.8 lbs
Lost This Week: 0.4 lbs


So, my surgery was cancelled and has to be rescheduled. Why? The short answer is because I am too fat. The long answer is that despite my having written my weight down correctly on every form, and despite the fact that simply LOOKING at me you can tell I am overweight, I was somehow scheduled for surgery at the Oromocto hospital, when in actuality they don’t do surgery for overweight/obese people at that hospital because of the increased risk of breathing problems and complications. They do them at the Fredericton hospital where they can have two anaesthesiologists and there is an available ICU if there are complications. Now, the admitting form I filled out TWO MONTHS AGO had my weight written on it, clearly and correctly, so right there it should be been scheduled for Fredericton. And then at my pre-op last week it should have been picked up again. Hell, they should have clued in when I showed up yesterday morning, but instead they let me spend a couple hours there, and even got me to the point where I was in the freeking gown and scrubbing my foot for surgery before I was told that it was cancelled. Seriously. The anaesthesiologist and surgeon were very apologetic but irritated as well, as it is wasted time for them and apparently I am not the only person this has happened to recently. The Fredericton hospital was immediately called by the anesthesiologist to complain.

None of this is my fault, I did everything that was asked of me, went to every appointment, fulfilled every requirement, filled out every form, and was honest and accurate with all my provided information. It never should have gotten so far. If it had to be rescheduled it should have been caught at three different checkpoints. This also had the effect of costing me a whole sick day from work which I now won’t have whenever the bloody surgery actually happens, which isn’t a minor thing, not to mention the gas money and time from all the driving mom and I had to do, plus all the hassle of moving all my things BACK to Fredericton last night. I suspended my life for this, and for it not to come through is not just irritating, it is disruptive and has a lot of additional consequences. This whole thing is a massive slap in the face. Obviously I’m not telling everyone the real reason why it was cancelled as it is ridiculous and embarrassing. I've only told my family and my closest friends.

Oh, and to top all this off, I got my new surgery date and it isn't for TWO MONTHS, which means I will be in a cast for my birthday and I won't be able to go to Cuba this spring as I have been planning for over a year. Awesome. I am on the cancellation list, so if someone can't make their surgery I hopefully will be able to get it done earlier, but it isn't likely.

Anyway, I had a pretty crap weigh in this week. I had been running under the assumption that I would be recovering and not eating much so I kind of ate a lot last week, plus all the running around I had to do for the surgery meant that I didn't get to the gym much. I only lost 0.4lbs. I'm totally locking my diet down until my surgery though. My new goal is to lose 15lbs before the surgery. I have 2 months so I feel it is totally possible, and it would put me at 255lbs, which would be spectacular. So fingers crossed.

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Hunger: I'm good

Body Image: pretty good

General disposition: very very irate

Song of the day: Wild by Grand Funk Railroad