50lbs down, Surgery done

Current Weight: 258.0lbs (which brings me to 50lbs lost!)

Lost this week: -1.8lbs

So I've hit the 50lb mark. Awesome. I didn't reach my pre-surgery goal but I came close, and really crossing the 50lb mark was nice enough. Plus a bunch of people at work on wednesday commented on my weight loss, which was really nice to hear on the cusp of my surgery. 

In other news, my surgery was yesterday and went well. Arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am, but didn't go in to the operating room until 8am. We got some funny pictures beforehand to try to distract me from panic I particularly enjoy this one where Amy looks really excited and I look absolutely depressed. LOL. I actually didn't cry and hyperventilate beforehand like I have every other time. The surgery itself went well apparently. The surgeon said the damage was exactly where she thought it was and put a few plates to fuse three bones together. She said that she could see where my foot was kind of misaligned and contorted from it trying to compensate for this damage for the past two and a half years. Also, turns out there was some arthritis in my foot too. Awesome.:(

There were some problems in recovery. I was in a lot of pain when I came to and hyperventilated. They gave me morphine but apparently I don't handle morphine well. My breathing got really shallow and kept sort of stopping, which caused this alarm thing to go off and a nurse telling me to take slow deep breaths. I would, in a couple minutes my oxygen levels would come back up, the alarms would turn off, but then the minute I started falling asleep or just didn't focus on my breathing it would happen again and I would stop breathing again. The recovery that was supposed to take an hour turned in to four hours, most of which spent with a nurse sitting beside my bed to remind me to breath every couple minutes. They gave me popsicles but I kept kind of nodding off with them in my hand, almost dropping them. They didn't let me go back to where mom and amy were waiting until I didn't make the alarm go off for 10 minutes. So basically we had to wait for the morphine to wear off.

Once I finally got back with mom she told me Amy had left to get some food and pick up a few things. Mom told me about the arthritis in my foot and for some reason that was it for me and I finally cried for the first time that day. Not too much, but I have been a bit teary ever since. Anyway, we called Amy and she came back. A nurse came and gave mom my prescription for pain killers but they were total overkill so we took it but immediately decided to not get it filled. I am NOT taking Oxycontin (which is what they prescribed). It is just more than I need and I'd rather manage my pain with something less addictive. Plus, my reaction to the Morphine has made me even more wary of big league painkillers.

So after an hour and a half I was basically okay and really just wanted to leave but we hadn't been told we were allowed to even get dressed or anything. I was seriously tired so had squinty kitten eyes but everytime a nurse or someone came near amy said, 'Heads up! Look alert!" so I would open my eyes really wide to make them think I was ready to go. LOL Amy took pictures...

Mom finally just got my clothes and helped me get dressed regardless of nurse permission and then flagged down a nurse to ask when I can leave. She said even though mom and Amy had spoken to the surgery, I had to talk to her too (which I wanted to do), but she was currently in surgery so I had to wait. Fair game. Luckily it was only another half hour or so. The surgeon said it went really well, and that I have to go back in 5 days (Feb 2nd) for her to check the incision and then put on my permanent cast. She then gave us the go-ahead to leave, and so I got loaded into the back seat of the Honda CRV with Amy driving, and mom driving Kevin home following behind us. After a quick stop at Dairy Queen so that I could eat something for the first time in 18 hours, we drove home on increasingly snowy roads (as we are having a snow storm right now.) I basically just passed out and slept in the back seat the whole way.

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Hunger: none

Body Image: Who cares? No me today.

General disposition: tired.

Song of the day: Don't Talk by Tegan and Sara

Eff you, 260s!

Current Weight: 259.8 lbs (HELL YES!)
Lost This Week: 2.0 lbs

I FINALLY made it in to the gym, after being sick with swine flu for a bloody week. I feel amazing after getting in a good workout. It is crazy how much I missed it this past week and it has made me acutely aware of how much I'm going to miss it while I am lamed up from my surgery. Having to wait that long to weigh in had a lovely side effect though -- I got to see a big loss with a new milestone! Yes, I am finally in the 250s! Fregging fantastic, that is what that is especially after after having a really lame 4 weeks earlier where I hardly lost any! I may not reach my goal of 15lbs lost before my surgery (which is in 3 days) but at least it looks very likely that I am going to cross the 50lb mark by then! About my weigh in.. I actually am weighed in as 259lbs even right now but since my normal weigh-in day is thursday I'm going to assume that I probably weighed closer to 259.8 on thursday. That would still make a 2lb loss, which is great. Unfortunately my daily point allowance didn't recalculate to lower number, despite being in a new weight 'decade'. Surprising how much that is annoying me. LOL

Now, here is my remaining problem -- I am busy the next two evenings (Tegan and Sara concert tomorrow night, massage Wednesday night) which means probably no gym either of those nights. They are my last opportunities to get to the gym before my surgery so I am considering going in in the morning tomorrow and wednesday. Ugh. Obviously getting up at an ungodly hour to go to the gym before work isn't something that interests me overly. However, these last couple days are all I have left to be able to go to the gym for a long time and I think that maybe I'll regret it if I don't. We'll see though.

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Hunger: I'm not
Body Image: pretty good!
General disposition: excited
Song of the day: Blue Monday '88 by New Order

This has been SUCH a buzz kill...

Today is the first day since Tuesday that I have felt remotely human. This has been the worst and longest flu I can remember having and apparently it may be H1N1. The constant fever and extreme exhaustion... yeah, it has sucked and being trapped in my apartment like this for the past 5 days has been really miserable. Five days of Dawson's Creek interspersed with four hour naps really gets old. But today I finally am feeling like I am on the mend.Unfortunately I'm still not well enough to go to the gym, nor will I be going tomorrow. This inability to go to the gym, where this is the last week before my surgery, has been supremely frustrating. I really wanted to get ahead before hand, so that is out the window. Plus I haven't been able to weigh myself, so I have no idea where my weight even sits. I've been staying within my daily points and trying not to eat many/any of my weekly points so hopefully my incredible inactivity and sickness doesn't screw me over. It's weird, I haven't been overly hungry, but because I've been bored I've been sorely tempted to go back to my old habits of eating for something to do. Worked hard to not give in to it but I'll have to see what the damage is next time I weigh in.

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Hunger: not overly hungry
Body Image: not great...
General disposition: frustrated and unwell
Song of the day: Living in a Box by Living in a Box

Horrible timing

I have the flu, and I have it bad. I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I'm so tired and feel like hell. I tried going to work yesterday, but had to come home and ended up sleeping for 4 hours in the afternoon and then still sleeping through the night. I thought I was feeling better today so I went to work but ended up having to come home again and slept all afternoon. Now I'm just trying to make it until it is a reasonable time to go to bed for the night. I already emailed my boss to let him know that I won't be in tomorrow.

Now, the problem regarding this flu is twofold. The minor one is that I'm not going to be able to weigh in tomorrow because I sure as hell will not be going to the gym (which is where the scale is). I also haven't been to the gym in days due to this flu so I'm not convinced that it is going to be a great weigh in regardless. The much more significant problem is that if I am still at all sick next week then my surgery could be cancelled. I couldn't imagine having to wait for a new surgery date all over again. I just can't put this off anymore. So I am trying my very hardest to get better in a hurry. Lots of sleep, forcing fluids, and lots of meds.

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Hunger: none
Body Image: couldn't care less
General disposition: sick
Song of the day: Turn to Stone by Joe Walsh

It is weird how much this struck me....

So I'm sitting here, watching this past week's episodes of Biggest Loser, a show I am only just starting to enjoy and become a fan of. While I believe in Jillian's abilities as a trainer I don't think I would ever accuse her of being overly poetic or poignant. However, she just said something to one of the players that made me sort of wake up. I may not have the exact quote but it was something like...

You will spend 100% of your time on this earth in this body.

Look, I know this is about as obvious a statement as a person can make, apart from maybe "The pope is catholic" or "The sun is hot.". I know it was far from ground breaking but it is sometimes the really obvious things that escape you. I think this is one of those things for me, and having it sort of clicked in my mind... it gives this a different perspective. It isn't like a pair of shoes, that once it wears out I can buy a new body and  I don't want to be stuck wearing a pair of ratty shoes with worn out soles and broken laces for the rest of my life. The changes I've made so far, and the determination I have to continue on this new path, I think are all going to make sure I will be well shod for life. At least as far as I have control over. ;)

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Hunger: I'm more snackish than hungry
Body Image: pretty good actually!
General disposition: excited
Song of the day: Find a Better Day by Grand Funk Railroad

Mediocre weigh-in | message board purgatory

Current Weight: 261.8 lbs
Lost This Week: 1.6 lbs

So despite killing it at the gym I only lost 1.6 lbs. Good, but not as much as I would have liked. I have only lost just a little over 3lbs over the past 4 weeks, which I think is the worst 4 weeks I've had yet on WW. It has, however, brought me past the 45lbs lost threshold, so that's good. I just hope that next week I lose at least 2lbs. I would love to be in the 250s before my surgery and time is running out.


In other news, I feel like there is no place I belong anymore on the weight watchers message boards. I used to frequent the 100lbs to lose board but I don't really belong there anymore, and not just because I don't have 100lbs to lose anymore. Mentally and physically I am in such a different place than most of them. I'm happy, for one, and lately that seems like it puts me in the minority. Also, I enjoy exercise and spend over an hour at the gym 5 days a week which sets me far apart from the people declaring a goal of 20 minutes of walking four times a week. I'm NOT saying that their goals are unworthy or admirable, nor am I say that their concerns and worries aren't founded. I used to be exactly like these people (for the most part) so I know what it is like. But that isn't me at all anymore, so while I can relate to them I feel like they can't relate to me. I don't feel comfortable posting about my issues, my thoughts, my perspectives simply because I am coming from some place so different.

The other board I could be inclined to be more active on is the 20 year old board but I have the complete opposite problem there. Most of the people there have 20-30lbs to loose, currently weigh less than my goal weight, and are far and beyond where I am. Plus, I sincerely feel paranoid that people on that board judge those of us with 300s and 200s in our stats. The couple of posts I have made have earned me a couple positive, helpful replies but there are always the slightly acid, backhanded ones as well. Recently I posted a question regard to my activity points and whether it is a good idea to have 40+ AP left over at the end of the week, and I received very few actual answers and a bunch more of "How could you ever earn 50 AP in a week!?" I'm sure not all of them meant it as rudely/hurtful as I initially took it. I mean, yes, I am obese, but I'm active as hell. Five days a week I do 45 minutes of high intensity (based on my heart rate) on the elliptical and 20+ minutes of strength training. I average over a pound of loss after each workout from sweating so much. These are not half-assed workouts. At my weight, that calculates to about 12AP each workout. I work extremely hard, harder than a whole lot of people that are a lot smaller than me.

Anyway, my point was that I am in message board purgatory. I belong no where and don't feel like I have a real shared perspective with people (which is much less tragic that it reads! LOL).

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Hunger: I have been starving for a week!
Body Image: mediocre
General disposition: preoccupied with my hunger, but alright
Song of the day: I Don't Wanna Wait  by Holly Cole (I think)

Curse you, Kelloggs!

Dear Kellogg's, 

Your Special K Red Berries cereal is killing me with deliciousness. I find myself wanting to eat it constantly and it takes every ounce of my being to resist. To market it as a 'healthy' cereal and to then make it suffocatingly delicious and crave worthy was cruel. I both hate you and love you for making it.

Sincerely,

Me

Seriously, this cereal is amazing and I have eaten an obscene amount of it over the past few days. The fact that it is quite low point (2pts for a cup plus 1pt for the milk) is my only comfort so I don't feel so badly eating so much of it. It is a little pricey though, which is why I think I am going to try the President's Choice version of it (I think it is called "On Track" or something). Hopefully it is equaled in deliciousness and not too different point wise.

Speaking of President's Choice, I 100% regret ever trying their Key Lime Pie. Holy eff, this pie murders my soul.  Tiff and I got one over New Years and had to really struggle to ration it. The temptation was to just sit down and eat the whole thing. Now that I am back to eating properly and carefully I am forcing myself to resist it but all I really want to do is buy one and just eat the whole thing. This is almost worse that the canned frosting craving. I made the horrible (yet very smart) decision to see how many points this pie is worth and one piece is ten points. Freg. Just three little pieces of this heavenly pie would be more than my daily allotment of points. I honestly can't explain how delicious this pie is and I believe it was a mistake to ever try it. My only comfort comes from my decision to have it in place of a birthday cake this year. My birthday is a month and a half away so I am thinking I can wait until then.

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Hunger: nada

Body Image: my boobs feel small today... it isn't fun. I generally like my boobs. :(

General disposition: moderately good

Song of the day: Giving Up The Day by Vampire Weekend

What. The. Hell.

Current Weight: 263.4 lbs
Lost This Week: 0.6 lbs

How in the name of all things holy is this even possible?! Last weekend Tiff and I totally went crazy and ate like frat boys. I ate, over a 4 day period, a truly disgusting amount of food - a whole 12inch stuffed crust pizza to myself, McDonald's breakfast, half a key lime pie, a 40 of rum, half a pan of Nanaimo bars.... and yet I still lost weight. It might catch up to me next week but all the Christmas eating didn't... anyway, I'm shocked. I'm back to eating like a human being and getting in some really awesome workouts at the gym, so I'm getting my body back to its normal healthy state and habits.

Last weekend was fun but it was the last time in a long time that I'll do that. Time to lock things down since I only have 3 weeks left until my surgery.

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Hunger: very high
Body Image: not super, but fine
General disposition: incredulous
Song of the day: Silver, Blue and Gold by Bad Company

The week that wouldn't end

This week has been brutal, and it is only wednesday. I think between having little to no downtime since Christmas and eating all the crap last weekend my body is all "Oh no you d'in't!" and crashing. I'm exhausted, I feel physically and mentally sluggish, and I feel extra jiggly. I think it is because my clothes are too loose so things feel all floofy and wobbly on my body, but it isn't a nice feeling. So basically I feel like my body has kicked me in the nuts (if I had them) for pushing it too hard with too little sleep and filling it with bad stuff. You definitely have made your point, body. Message recieved.

All I am focusing on is getting through to Friday. This weekend I am going to binge on sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. And watching of the tv. Sleep and tv. So that I don't feel totally horrid afterwards I am also going to go to the gym, but apart from that it is quiet time by myself to sleep and watch horrible "so bad it's good" stuff like "Dawson's Creek" and "Lois and Clark". Maybe even some Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

In the meantime I am just slogging through. I have been staying totally on point food wise, being very sure to eat loads of veggies and drink lots of water (again trying to undo the food from last weekend), plus I have been forcing my poor blorpy body to the gym and not letting myself do a workout half assed. I normally have little problem going to the gym, hell I went all through Christmas holidays, but my energy level is so low at the moment it is a real struggle. But I've gone all week, and will be going tonight too. Tomorrow is my weigh-in and  while I expect there to be a gain I think that will be good for my headspace. I'll like to see my points reset and start fresh.

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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: jiggly... the only word I can use is 'jiggly'
General disposition: just okay
Song of the day: I Want Freedom by Grand Funk Railroad

DEFINITELY a gain this week. For real this time.

Well, my weekend was awesome. My cousin Tiff came down New Years Eve and didn't leave until this morning. We had a really fun time, watched an obscene number of movies, and consumed way too much stuff I really shouldn't have eaten. But it was worth it. My surgery is in three and a half weeks and I am going to be super on top of things until then. Last weekend was what I expect will be my final food binge time. I know I shouldn't need or want a freebie food weekend like I took last weekend I kind of feel like those times are part of my success. That said, it looks like I'm going to have a moderate gain this week. Oh well.

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Hunger: eating supper as I type!
Body Image: kinda gross
General disposition: frustrated, over tired, but fine
Song of the day: Mutiny, I promise you by The New Pornographers