So close... so close....

Current Weight: 271.2 lbs
Lost This Week: 1.6 lbs

Crap. I really wanted to be in the 260s before my surgery (which is tuesday). I'm so close but nope. I think I may still sort of pretend that I am and not eat that extra point every day, especially since I am going to be so ragingly inactive for the next couple months. I'm not going to have my usual 30+ activity points to fall back on.

HOWEVER, I may not have gotten into the 260s I have lost almost 40 pounds since joining weight watchers, which is pretty darned good. I have good momentum, and even though I'm going to be in a cast for the next couple months I am feeling more confident that I won't gain during my recovery. I also am super thankful that I have lost that much weight and increased my fitness level as much as I have before the surgery. I think all of this is going to be so much easier because I am that much lighter.

------------
Hunger: Pretty high
Body Image: moderately good
General disposition: happy but frustrated
Song of the day: Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus (shut up.. it is catchy...)

Pre-Op Appointments suck.

I had a long day today. First, my pre-op appointment for my surgery next week wasn't at all what I expected. I expected to be asked questions like what my weight is, what medication I am on, etc. I was actually a little excited for it because I wanted to be able to say my new lower weight. No. It ended up being and ECG and I had to lay on a bed, my shirt and bra up, my breasts fully exposed, while an attracted male nurse put sticker thingies all over my chest, breasts, and weirdly on my ankles. And then he told me to be relaxed and I'm thinking, "How in the name of all things holy am I going to be calm and relaxed with my taa-taas hanging out in front of you?!" Basically it was awkward so I got uncomfortable and when I am uncomfortable I start babbling and so I started babbling about my boobs. Sweet jesus. I just made it so much more awkward.

Anyway, so there was that.Luckily I had a massage scheduled for right after work. My back was full of knots so she really worked to get them out. I feel sore but a lot better. After my massage I went to supper with some friends from out of town, and that was nice.

The thing is, though, is that for some reason I want to do nothing apart from eat. I had a good supper, totally enough food, but I still want to eat. My period is just finishing so maybe it has something to do with that, I don't know. I just know I feel a little gross and blorpy and hungry and worried about thursday's weigh in.

------------
Hunger: I'm not hungry but I really want to eat!
Body Image: moderate
General disposition: confused
Song of the day: Slow by Kylie Minogue

Feel so different!

It really hit me this morning how changed I am, both physically and mentally. Well, first of all I looked at my pictures I took last night at a Dead Celebrity dress up party I was at and I was really taken aback at how good I looked. I know that sounds vain, but it was more about my size than anything.

I hardly look like myself in this picture, or at least the myself that I used to be. I spent some time this morning looking back at some old pictures, some from only a year or so ago, and the transformation is fantastic. I also don't think I look like I weight 270lbs in this picture either, though that is more lucky angle I think.

So that was good, but then this morning I went to breakfast with my parents (who were in town for a retirement party last night) and they both were really taken with my appearance. I looked like hell (a little hung over from the night before, no make up on, my hair looked terrible) and normally I would have gotten some comments on that, but all they could say was how much I've lost and how different I look. Also, during breakfast, I was full after only half my breakfast so I stopped eating and they were really impressed by that, as it is a pretty huge change in behaviour for me. I know they are really proud of me, and I am proud of me too. I have a long ways to go, but I'm doing it and it is working.

------------
Hunger: moderate (haven't had lunch yet)
Body Image: pretty great
General disposition: proud
Song of the day: Force of Nature by Lenka

35lbs down! Whahoooo!

Current Weight: 272.8 lbs
Lost This Week: 4.1 lbs

Kiiiick ass. Not only did I lose all the weight I gained last week from being in Campbellton, but I also lost an additional pound. This week's loss now brings me to just over 35lbs lost since joining WW, which I think is pretty fantastic. YAY! I still say it was totally worth it to totally go wild that week. I'm not going to hit 265lbs before my surgery (which is in 10 days) but I should be close to 270, which isn't bad, thank you very much. And again I'm still hoping just not to gain while I have my cast on. Fingers crossed.

------------
Hunger: moderately high
Body Image: not bad... not bad at all....
General disposition: accomplished
Song of the day: Down South Jukin' by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Holy hell, I needed that!

I just got back from the gym and freeeeeg do I feel better. First I weighed myself before my workout and I have already lost almost all of the 2.8 pounds I gained last week so I am feeling so much more confident about this week's weigh in on Thursday. Then I had a totally ass kicking workout. My foot wasn't a problem at all, I got a great rush of endorphins and I sweat what feels like 2 litres worth off. My knee caps are even sweaty. ha ha Anyway, I had a really great workout is my point and I feel insanely better and so much more.. well, confident. Confident in my ability to get through the surgery not have it totally derail me.

------------
Hunger: a little hungry but mostly thirsty
Body Image: better than this morning! ha ha
General disposition: pumped, motivated, energized
Song of the day: Back On The Road Again by REO Speedwagon

push push push push...

Man oh man, I'm finding it hard. I'm finding it so hard to get back on track after last week. The eating isn't really the problem, it is activity. I'm feeling so lazy and unmotivated to go to the gym. I went Friday but could only do 20 minutes of cardio because my foot crapped out. I still did my strength training but I feel like it was a pretty lame workout. And then yesterday I kept meaning to go to the gym but the afternoon was taken up by phone calls with my sister and going out Christmas shopping. By the time I finally got my ass in gear and got ready to go I realized that it was late and that the gym wasn't going to be open for much longer so I didn't go. Gah. I just feel fairly gross and out of shape, even though it has only been a week since I have had a good workout and it is making me all kinds of worried for how it will be after my surgery (which is only two weeks away). I'm going to be inactive for months and I think it is going to be all kinds of hard getting back to the gym once I am finally able to.

------------
Hunger: moderate
Body Image: not great. not great at all.
General disposition: frustrated and unmotivated
Song of the day: Artificial Energy by The Byrds

Definitely deserved this gain

Current Weight: 277.0 lbs
Lost This Week: GAINED 2.8 lbs

So my weekend awesomeness earned me a 2.8lb gain. I am honestly shocked it wasn't more. I was fully expecting to have at least 5lbs gain so 2.8 isn't so bad. I basically am back to where I was 2 weeks ago, back to 277lbs. I am still below my 10% and I am still down over 30lbs so I'm not too upset. I still say it was worth it.

The only issue now is that that my cravings for salt and grease are intense and I am still feeling bloaty and gross. I am trying to drink lots and lots of water and eat carefully and not give in to the cravings. I expect to be able to offset the damage soon, hopefully maybe even next week. Fingers crossed anyhow.

------------
Hunger: moderate
Body Image: not great. Feeling bloaty and blorpy
General disposition: tired
Song of the day:

Oh dear

Well, I am back from an insanely fantastic vacation visiting my friend/cousin Tiffany. Over the past five days we talked, laughed and got into trouble as well (as got new tattoos), and gross amounts of food and alcohol went along with that. We drank Saturday (oh, did we drink!), ate McDonalds and Stuffed crust pizza sunday, ate donairs on monday, and drank AND ate ridiculous stuff (ie. grilled cheese sadwiches with fried eggs and bacon... ugh) on monday.

Did I point anything the past few days? Nope. Not a thing... Nor am I going to. I think my thoughts are this: I am going in for surgery in two and a half weeks and it is going to be a massively difficult time for me. I'm not going to be able to go out, hang out with my friends, do any of the things I usually do socially. I am also going to have to lock down my eating so much because I won't be able to do my normal gym routine. I think I took this weekend to be a sort of last hurrah and I threw caution to the wind. I definitely over did it and I am going to be paying the cost tomorrow at WI but I knew what I was doing while I did it and really, I think it was worth it. Before I left I was feeling incredibly scared and depressed over the prospect of my surgery, knowing how deeply it is going to affect my life. Now I feel much more at peace with it, as though all the challenges facing me are at least a little more tolerable and manageable. Strange that a weekend of over indulgence and debauchery can have that affect but it did. :)
------------
Hunger: Dear god, no thank you
Body Image: um, alright.
General disposition: very happy
Song of the day: Oh My Gosh by Basement Jaxx

Good weigh in but losing too fast

Current Weight: 274.2 lbs
Lost This Week: 2.7 lbs

Had a really good weigh in today, losing 2.7 lbs. Fairly unexpected as I ate over 70 points on saturday (damn you brie and alcohol!!). The thing is, in the past two weeks I have lost almost 7 lbs. That is kind of intense. I mean, sure, the week before last I was down only .2 of a pound, but 7 in the past two weeks is a little much. I don't know what more to do - I ate almost all points last week, with only a couple activity points left, so it isn't like I can eat all that much more. My workout has been a little more intense the past couple weeks, really pushing myself on the elliptical and I have really upped my strength training, so I'm thinking maybe my metabolism has ramped up.

However, the rather high losses the past two weeks means that I am a lot closer to my Christmas goal of 265lbs. I have only 9.2 pounds to go to reach that, which I at the rate I have been going may even be doable before my surgery. That would be fantastic and that is what I am shooting for but if I don't reach it, oh well. It would just be nice to be in the 260's before my surgery.

------------
Hunger: quite high as I am waiting for my salmon to finish cooking....
Body Image: really good
General disposition: happy
Song of the day: Dues by Grand Funk Railroad

Hello size 20 and goodbye mobility

I finally went pant shopping yesterday. My work pants are literally hanging off my ass like a diaper or something. I had been putting off buy new ones as long as possible because I'm cheap and don't want to have to buy new clothes constantly. Anyway, I went and holy hell I had to buy size 20!! It was probably second year university  since I last wore a size 20 so, like, 8 years ago. Very exciting. So I bought new work pants and a new pair of jeans (which make my ass look awesome if I do say so myself) to celebrate my new size in pants. hahahaha

In unrelated news, I finally got a date for my surgery and it is just 4 weeks away!! On December 1st I will finally have my foot operated on to correct the ligament that has been torn and causing me daily pain for over 2 years. The pictures there to the left shows where my damage is -- I tore the ligament that holds those bones together so rather than them being snug they have a big space between them. Not exactly a minor injury.

Anyway I cried a little when the woman called to tell me the scheduling date. I think I had somehow convinced myself (again) that I didn't need the surgery and that the doctor was going to discover something that made it so that I didn't need it. Getting it scheduled has made it a lot more real and scary.Having the surgery looming makes getting my weight down as much as possible before hand really important. Also, I really need to establish a game plan for keeping my weight from packing back on while I have a cast for a couple of months. I know I am going to have to lock down my eating in a very very serious way. I won't be able to get to the gym for months, and even once I AM allowed to go back to the gym it will be a long time before I can do a good cardio workout like I am used to now.

So that is my task for the weeks to come - get ahead as much as possible prior to the surgery, and get a plan to keep my weight under control during recovery.

------------
Hunger: just had supper so I'm actually quite full.
Body Image: KICK ASSSSSS
General disposition: Happy and scared
Song of the day: Damn Girl by the All-American Rejects

Hallowe'en indulgences...

Freg I had an amazing time last night. Really amazing. I love Hallowe'en always, it is probably my favourite holiday, but last night was just fun. Laura and I hung out all day and then went to the Grad house for the night. It was packed, people had really creative and hilarious costumes (one guy came as the second ammendment), and I just enjoy that group of people so much. So much more my scene than the usual skanky bar scene. I also feel like I was looking great last night. The weightloss is really showing and I am feeling really good these days. It is funny how much more flirting I am getting from people, especially last night. While I really haven't minded being single it is feeling like a way different experience lately. More people are seeing me and hitting on me and it feels good. I've never really had self confidence issues, I've always felt attractive and confident, but for the first time in a long time I seem to be getting a fair bit of external confirmation..

That said, I did overindulge yesterday. I ate a small planet worth of brie and meat yesterday, and of course there was lots of alcohol consumed over the course of the evening. I hope that it won't screw me over too much on thursday when I weigh in.

------------
Hunger: none
Body Image: pretty fantastic
General disposition: very happy
Song of the day: Sexbomb by Mousse T