In it for the long haul

I'm starting to feel really optimistic about the results from my surgery. It has been 8+ weeks since I have had my foot hacked into, and it has been a long hard battle ever since then, between the isolation and the inability to go to the gym and the stress and discomfort from being in a cast... but last night I took my cast off and was walking (gingerly) with just my foot, no artifical support, and it struck me -- my foot hurts less now than it used to every day before I had the surgery. Don't get me wrong, it is still stiff and it feels strange when I flex in a way that puts pressure on my plate and screws, but in terms of pain it is better. It was a great realization, seeing that all of the hassle and pain and inconvenience of the surgery might actually have been worth it. And only 2 more weeks before I go to see the doctor again, hopefully resulting in my being cast free!

In other news, I was speaking with my sister yesterday and talking about how my foot is feeling pretty good and that I can't wait to be able to really get back at the gym again. I had been so worried before the surgery about maybe losing my momentum, losing the habit and desire to go to the gym, but I definitely haven't. All I can think about is getting back at it. She said, "You know, if you are two months having to take a break from the gym and you still are eager to get back at it then you are in it for life. That is fantastic!" and I think she is right! The six months prior to my surgery were amazing at the gym, I made tremendous strides, I pushed myself harder than I thought I could go, and I loved every second of it. I got to a place physically where I felt so good working out that it wasn't a chore or something I did grudingly, but instead it was one of the best parts of my day. Here is hoping that this surgery marks the beginning of a new phase of my life where there isn't anything holding me back anymore from achieving my goals. No more having to stop because my foot popped out or was too painful. No more having to limit myself to certain exercises to minimize the chance of hurting my foot. Once this cast is off and I get the go-ahead from my doctor I am going to throw myself headlong back into the gym and not look back. I can't wait!

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Hunger: if anything I'm too full

Body Image: not too shabby!

General disposition: weary but good

Song of the day: Entering White Cecilia by The New Pornographers

That was therapuetic

c

A friend of mine, Shannon, came to visit me today. She lives about an hour away so I don't see her very often, though we keep in pretty good contact online. She had a bunch of movies and tv shows I wanted, so she brought them up for me to snag. Since I've been packing for the move I went through all my clothes and piled all the clothes that don't fit me anymore. (The picture shows just some of the clothes I cleaned out!) I found it really therapeutic to clean out all those clothes. Every so often I would put on one of the items, just to remind myself of how much I've lost. It is crazy the difference, seriously. I have hardly any clothes left now, of course, and my closet is totally empty. The remaining clothes that fit would just about fit in one drawer of my dresser, but it feels really seeing only size 18 and XL-1X instead of size 24 and 3X-4X.

As it turns out Shannon is more or less the size I used to be so she was able to take basically all of them! It was great. A lot of them were still really nice and in really good condition, and a lot of them are really cute and fashionable. It feels good that someone will use and enjoy them. Honestly, as depressing it is to have hardly any clothes that fit, it feels great having those way-too-big clothes out of my house, and as happy as I am that she was able to go home with two giant garbage bags of clothes, I'm even happier that they don't fit me anymore. :)

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Hunger: if anything I am too full

Body Image: not too shabby

General disposition: relieved

Song of the day: The theme song to "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"

Yup, that's what I expected (and deserve)

Current Weight: 256.3lbs
Lost this week: GAINED 3.6lbs

Yeah, I deserve this gain. I ate like a moron last weekend, and 3.6lbs as a gain is totally deserved. At least it wasn't the six and a half pound gain that it was on tuesday. I guess drinking all the water and eating way healthier paid off to some degree. That said, I went in to the weekend expecting a gain, so it isn't like I am surprised or anything. It was a consequence I was prepared for, but that doesn't make it any smarter a decision especially since I can't kill it at the gym and get that weight off quickly. No, it will likely take a couple weeks to drop that weight, which is annoying but I'll do it. I'm going to the gym again and really focusing in on my strength training. If I can build my muscle mass back up then I will hopefully get some of my metabolism back, but really the important thing is getting my diet locked down, so that is my goal - get my eating totally under control.

Also, now that I am finally able to have proper weigh ins again, my weight graph is looking strange. Having that big break when I wasn't able to weigh in created a really weird looking patch in my graph. Oh well. At least it is overall a downward slope...

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Hunger: not bad, but definitely getting hungrier these days
Body Image: blah
General disposition: Resigned yet motivated
Song of the day: One Way Or Another by Blondie

Yeeeeeeesh

Made it to the gym tonight. It felt so necessary after this past weekend's binge. Seriously, what was I thinking. Anyway, my plan tonight was to give the recumbent bike a shot, see if my foot could handle it, and it turns out that it can (thank Jesus). I was able to do 25 minutes on the bike, and then did another 25 minutes of strength training. My foot is sore tonight, but it isn't a whole lot more sore than it always was after the gym before the surgery. Definitely manageable. However, I did a quick weigh in and it is NOT looking good at all. I can attribute some to the fact that I started my period today so there is probably some gain from that, but that definitely doesn't account for all of it. I am going to try to drink as much water as I can, trying to force out some of that water weight I am undoubtedly retaining. My foot is OBVIOUSLY totally locked down. Finally, working out at the gym is incredibly important for the next while as well. I don't think there is any way that this week's weigh in could be anything but disastrous, but I'm hoping that everything I do now will set me up for a better week next week.

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Hunger: Nada, but I am cold...

Body Image: Not good at all

General disposition: Determined

Song of the day: Air by Ben Folds Five

Gross, disgusting, and unpleasant

Another weekend with Tiffany, another intensely bingey weekend. The crap I ate... jesus. Before the weekend I decided that I was going to take a pass food wise this weekend, as per usual when Tiff and I hang out. I always weigh in with a significant gain after each weekend like that, but have been lucky to lose all the gain plus some the week after. And now that the fun weekend is over I feel appropriately disgusting, bloaty, and gross with the added fun of PMS compounding my physical misery. On top of ALL that is that it suddenly dawned on me that my metabolism is shit right now, I can't kill it at the gym for the next week to offset the food I ate this weekend, and I am probably going to be a small age losing the weight I undoubtedly gained this weekend. I feel like kicking myself. I am absolutely done with these binge weekends. It is a tradition that needs to be killed. It is unhealthy for both of us, and I always feel disgusting afterwards.

In somewhat related news, I think I am going to try doing the recumbent bike at the gym this week. Yes, I am still supposed to be wearing my cast all the time (which I really haven't been... hopefully that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass), but I absolutely need to get back into my gym routine and I need to get my cardio endurance built back up. My cast is way too big to wear on the bike so I think if I wear my small brace I should be good. It will keep my ankle locked in place and not bending, and if I use my heel (rather than the ball/toes of my foot) to propel the pedal it should be fine. Hopefully. I asked my parents (who are doctors) and they seemed to think that I can give it a try. If it hurts or is straining my foot I stop, but if it feels okay then I am good. Fingers crossed it works out tomorrow.

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Hunger: Oh dear god, seriously?

Body Image: Very very not pretty

General disposition: Crabby

Song of the day: Everybody Learns From Disaster by Dashboard Confessional

Surprising post-surgery weigh in!

Yesterday I finally got my cast off! Sadly I had to get a new one put on, but at least my new one cam come off when I'm sleeping and whatnot, so I am a lot more comfortable. PLUS I can finally shave my leg and (more to the point) weigh myself. Today I started back up at the gym and while I can't do any of the normal cardio I so enjoy I can work on the weight machines and build my upper body back up (now smaller from all the muscle loss). I also weighed myself for the first without a cast on since the surgery and I am down about 6lbs. It was more, but I have been trying to eat a lot more the past week or two to get my strength back up. Regardless, 6 lbs in seven weeks really isn't bad, though a lot of it is muscle mass. I'm not going to weigh in 'officially' until tomorrow, but at least I have a rough idea.

Now that I am going to the gym again I will surely stop losing and maybe even gain as my muscle mass builds back up, but at least my biggest fear of gaining weight from the surgery didn't happen. Now all I have to do stay the course and get my gym routine and eating totally back on track. That said, my friend/cousin Tiff is coming down this weekend and I expect to eat a lot.

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Hunger: nada

Body Image: pretty good

General disposition: surprised

Song of the day: Layla by Eric Clapton