Off track

I'm feeling dire and totally off track. My eating is not at all as controlled as it should be and was. I have been gaining and losing the same 8 pounds over and over again. Last week I didn't gain or lose anything, which is almost worse... I don't know if it is stress or what, but I am not being as careful as I normally am or as successful and it is only making me more and more stressed. I'll go a few days with being totally on track and then something will happen - a weekend, a big stress, something good, something bad... it doesn't seem to matter what - and then I will eat like an idiot again. I don't even bother pointing because I know it is horrible and that I am way off track with no hope of recovery. Likely that is part of the problem, the lack of accountability. I usually am so strict about pointing and tracking everything, but for those days when I give up (for lack of a better term) I just pretend the tracker doesn't exist.

Clearly I need a new game plan. I need a plan of attack that will allow me to refocus and start losing again.

1. I am going back to basics. Tracking EVERYTHING, even on the bad days, and measuring everything. 
2. I am not going to allow one bad day to derail a whole week.
3. I am going to try to identify WHY I am feeling like I need to over eat at those bad times in the hopes of trying to stop doing it. 
4. I am going to utilize this blog at those times in the hopes that it gives me a clearer view.
5. I am going to make sure I go to the gym at least 4 days a week. (I haven't been having trouble with this, but I want to make sure I keep it up). 

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Hunger: Cravings are high...
Body Image: Not good at all
General disposition: discouraged and helpless
Song of the day: I Try by Macy Gray

Loss and sadness

Current Weight: 245.8lbs
Lost this week: 4lbs

Thank god I got that gain from last week corrected. All week I just kept focusing how undoing that rather epic damage, and thankfully I was able to. Now I'm just aiming to get into the 230s before Canada day weekend. I'm also feeling very determined to reach my goal lately, but it isn't for a good reason. One of my cousins has been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to her liver, abdomen, and ribcage. It is absolutely catastrophic and I am really really sad for her. She has three young daughters, one of whom is just a couple months old, and all she is thinking about is the effect her cancer is going to have on them. The fact that my cousin is only 39, has lived an exceptionally healthy life, always ate right and was very active, and STILL has been hit this way makes me selfishly very scared for myself. Unlike her I did everything WRONG for twenty seven years and even though I am taking care of myself now I still worry about what damage I have done... So I am focusing hard on my health now, trying to reduce my risks as much as I can.

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Hunger: high, though it is due to stress I'd say
Body Image: pretty good
General disposition: alright, all things considered
Song of the day: Bang My Head by Lena

Growl

Weight Lost This Week: GAINED 4lbs
Current Weight: 249.8

Okay, so I expected a gain this week because Tiff and I hung out this past weekend and ate like idiots but 4lbs is ridiculous. Seriously, what the hell. And as it turns out I was down to 248.0 the day after my weigh in, so really I should only be up about 2lbs, which makes a lot more sense. Plus, I'm having my period so that never bodes well for my weight. Anyway, this four pound gain is intensely annoying because I know it isn't accurate, but there is nothing to be done. It just means I'll have a big loss week next week. :)

In other news, my awesome work outs at the gym have resulted in a major spike in my metabolism and hunger levels. I cannot seem to get full, regardless of what I eat. On one hand it is great because it means that my body is getting built back up to where it was pre-surgery and my work outs are paying off. On the other hand I am starving all the time, I'm waking up hungry every morning. Oh well.
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Hunger: INTENSE
Body Image: fairly good
General disposition: thankful but sleepy
Song of the day: Rock of Ages by Def Leppard

Back on track

Current Weight: 244.6lbs
Lost this week: 3lbs

I am really feeling like everything is back on track. I got some really excellent work outs in this week and clearly they paid off. Three pounds is a little bit too much to lose in one week, but I'm not really complaining. What I AM going to complain about is the extreme fatigue I am suffering from at the moment, presumably from the antidepressants I'm taking. I'm always fairly low energy, but the past week has been crazy. I'm taking 3 hour long naps and then still sleeping through the night. It is a real struggle to get to the gym too, and I am yawning all through my workouts, which is kind of embarrassing actually. Luckily I have a doctor appointment next week so I'm hoping she'll have a solution. I suspect it will be to reduce my dosage, especially since I am feeling so much better emotionally now.

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Hunger: not very hungry but I've had INTENSE cravings
Body Image: not great actually. I feel ponchy
General disposition: Good but tired
Song of the day: Fortune Son by CCR

Closer to 200 than 300

Current Weight: 247.6lbs
Weight lost: 3lbs

As of this weigh in I am under 250lbs! I honestly can't remember the last time I have been under 250lbs, and this weigh in brings me past the 60lbs lost since joining Weight Watchers, which is a huge deal. I can't help but keep reminding myself of how far I have come and how crazy it is. I skipped last week's weigh in since I was moving and stressed and just didn't care, so this three pound loss is really two week's worth. But still, I feel like I am back on track, things are getting back under control for the first time since before the surgery.

In honour of this rather huge accomplishment I am setting a new mini goal for myself. I want to stay on track this summer so I am setting a goal of losing 25lbs over the next 4 months. Somewhat lofty goal maybe, but I am feeling good following the surgery, I'm back on track at the gym, and I am determined as hell. I really hope to be able to accomplish it.

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Hunger: Not too bad, though I have been having intense cravings lately
Body Image: pretty good!
General disposition: Excited but tired
Song of the day: The Times are a Changin' by Bob Dylan

One step forward....

Well, as of today I am put on antidepressants. The past four months have be intensely difficult for me emotionally, between the surgery and the withdrawal from the gym and the isolation and the flooding my apartment etc. A lot of bad things happened and for the first time in my life I have found myself unable to logic through them and find something good to grasp on to. I finally went to my doctor today and she has me on antidepressants for a while. I wish I didn't need them, but I don't want to be like this anymore either.

However, my cast is off now and my ability to do a proper workout at the gym is back and my GOD is that helping. I was able to do 50 minutes on the elliptical tonight without pain in my foot (something I could hardly do before the surgery) and while I have to do it at a slightly lower incline I am feeling so relieved to be heading back to where I was fitness wise.

And finally, I didn't post about my weigh in this past week because it was yet another pathetic weigh in (0.2 lbs) and it hardly felt worth it. I'm really hoping that this week is a good one. I could really use a solid loss.

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Hunger: not too bad actually
Body Image: not too good actually
General disposition: not too good actually
Song of the day: Thinkin' About Something by Hanson (shut up, it is a great song)

Curse you, unicorn shortbread cookies!

Current Weight: 250.8 lbs
Lost this week: -0.2 lbs

Fairly pathetic weigh in, eh? May as well have been a stay the same week, but I guess some loss is better than no loss. I know why it wasn't a better loss, too. First, I ate what felt like a lot of salt the past two days and was/am feeling fairly bloated and as though I was retaining water. However, I feel like the lackluster loss is more to do with what I consumed on the weekend while at Easter dinner with my cousin and her husband, namely a vat of rum and a bunch of cookies. Not just normal cookies. They were delicious shortbread unicorns with cream cheese icing. I made them because I wanted to contribute something to the meal since they were nice enough to have me over, and my GOD were they delicious. I ate a lot of them (we all did), they were so irresistible. The next day I looked at the few that were left over and I knew that in my hungover state I was going to eat them all... so I threw them out. Too little too late, though. I had already eaten a herd of them the night before. ha ha

Anyway, I know why this week wasn't fantastic, but I have confidence that this coming week is going to be a lot better. I am feeling stronger, I am enjoying the gym again, and I am quite optimistic that I'll have a solid loss this week. :)

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Hunger: pretty high actually
Body Image: quite positive. :)
General disposition: stressed out, but hopefully on the upswing
Song of the day: Motherless Child by Eric Clapton