What the freg. Seriously, today was going fine. I was happy, well rested, had a really nice lunch on an outdoor patio with the guys... then all of a sudden around 3:00 my mood completely bottomed out and I was (and still am) in a total rage. I stopped at the grocery store after work because I have zero food in my house at the moment and that was an intensely frustrating exercise. It is stiflingly hot out so the walk home with groceries was a hot one, so once I got in I just sort of checked out. I am skipping the gym tonight, which is pretty dumb of me, I know. I should have left half an hour ago but didn't because I am comfortable and my cat is purring curled up on my lap. Granted my bad food is pretty screwed up today from yesterday's workout but I could have gone. Plus the workout probably would have helped my mood.
I really think I am going to regret not going. This weekend IS going to be a major eating weekend and I really need all the activity points I can get. I am kind of dreading my weigh in on tuesday because I know I am going to be up. But fine, I didn't go to the gym today so I will definitely be going tomorrow. And I am considering getting up and going to the gym friday morning before I catch my six hour busride to Tiff's. I honestly hope I can muster the motivation for that.
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Hunger: I'm a little hungry because I haven't had supper yet...
Body Image: Not very good
General disposition: stabby
Song of the day: Ready For Love by Mott the Hoople
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
So very close
Sweet merciful crap, I'm pleased. After last week's half pound gain I really worked my butt off this past week. I went to the gym a lot and more importantly I was super careful with my eating and it paid off. I am down 4 from last week, which brings me to 301lbs. I am SO close to being under 300 for the first time in probably 4 or 5 years. It is crazy. Of course this coming weekend I'm going out of town to visit Tiff and there is going to be a gross amount of eating so there won't be any loss and probably some gain. But still. I feel optimistic. I feel like this is doable. I know that there aren't going to be weeks where I lose this much again probably, but I still feel hopeful for the journey.
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Hunger: just really thirsty
Body Image: alright
General disposition: excited
Song of the day: Cross My Heart by Marianas Trench
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Hunger: just really thirsty
Body Image: alright
General disposition: excited
Song of the day: Cross My Heart by Marianas Trench
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Measure twice, eat once
I decided to forgo the market this weekend. After eating myself ill last week (twice... *sigh*) I decided it just wasn't worth it, especially since I am going to visit Tiffany next weekend and lord knows there will be a lot of eating then. So yeah, I skipped the market and instead headed up to the mall and bought a kitchen scale so I can actually measure my portions. I also bought some measuring spoons for the same reason. I figure if I am going to put this much effort into trying to lose weight I'd best do it right. Plus, knowing the actual weight of things makes using the WW points hella easier.
I'm finding that I am actually much more comfortable being hungry than I am full. It is a vaguely embarrassing revelation to make, and maybe it has more to do with my IBS being flared up at the moment, but honestly - I feel way better being hungry and having my stomach growl and stuff than I do being full and having my stomach be churning and noisy for completely different (and painful) reasons. I suspect it is something a lot of fat people have fooled themselves into believing, that being full is more comfortable than hunger, that somehow hunger is this horrible terrifying sensation. The book I'm reading about emotional and binge eating has seriously hit on the mark on a whole lot of things I do/did, one especially is that if we aren't actually hungry before we eat we won't have the body cues to know when we are satisfied, which I am seeing is entirely different from being full. I have to straddle the line carefully because if I get too hungry than regardless of what I eat my IBS flares up and I get sick, and I also am having to monitor myself carefully to stop when I am satisfied rather than keeping going, but generally I'm adapting and reading my body cues more accurately as each day passes.
This is a very weird process. I feel like a mad scientist and the test subject all at once.
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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: my boobs look good today so good I guess
General disposition: Chipper
Song of the day: Well Respected Man by The Kinks
I'm finding that I am actually much more comfortable being hungry than I am full. It is a vaguely embarrassing revelation to make, and maybe it has more to do with my IBS being flared up at the moment, but honestly - I feel way better being hungry and having my stomach growl and stuff than I do being full and having my stomach be churning and noisy for completely different (and painful) reasons. I suspect it is something a lot of fat people have fooled themselves into believing, that being full is more comfortable than hunger, that somehow hunger is this horrible terrifying sensation. The book I'm reading about emotional and binge eating has seriously hit on the mark on a whole lot of things I do/did, one especially is that if we aren't actually hungry before we eat we won't have the body cues to know when we are satisfied, which I am seeing is entirely different from being full. I have to straddle the line carefully because if I get too hungry than regardless of what I eat my IBS flares up and I get sick, and I also am having to monitor myself carefully to stop when I am satisfied rather than keeping going, but generally I'm adapting and reading my body cues more accurately as each day passes.
This is a very weird process. I feel like a mad scientist and the test subject all at once.
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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: my boobs look good today so good I guess
General disposition: Chipper
Song of the day: Well Respected Man by The Kinks
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Don't get beat, get angry!
Yeah, I knew my stupid eating saturday and the later fish binge on monday were going to come back to haunt me. Between those and the fact that I'm having my period I not only didn't lose this week but actually gained half a pound. Awesome. :(
So what am I going to do? Well my instinct is to mentally beat myself up, get upset, maybe complimenting that with some binge eating, and consider giving up on stupid old WW and this whole getting healthy idea of mine. But no. There are going to be setbacks (though I didn't think they would be so early in the process...) so instead of getting sad and pathetic I am going to get determined and angry. I had a really good workout at the gym tonight and I am going to start stepping it up at the gym, working towards bumping up my workouts from 45 to 60 minutes. And I am going to try very hard not to touch my activity points this week. If I can do that then I think I should be down next week. Sweet mercy I'd better be down or I am going to smash that stupid scale with my fat angry fists! LOL
The fact that I am no longer going to Doaktown this weekend and thus won't be drinking up a storm will also probably help too. Ha ha ha
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Hunger: strangely absent
Body Image: not great...
General disposition: frustrated as hell
Song of the day: 2+2= by Bob Seger
So what am I going to do? Well my instinct is to mentally beat myself up, get upset, maybe complimenting that with some binge eating, and consider giving up on stupid old WW and this whole getting healthy idea of mine. But no. There are going to be setbacks (though I didn't think they would be so early in the process...) so instead of getting sad and pathetic I am going to get determined and angry. I had a really good workout at the gym tonight and I am going to start stepping it up at the gym, working towards bumping up my workouts from 45 to 60 minutes. And I am going to try very hard not to touch my activity points this week. If I can do that then I think I should be down next week. Sweet mercy I'd better be down or I am going to smash that stupid scale with my fat angry fists! LOL
The fact that I am no longer going to Doaktown this weekend and thus won't be drinking up a storm will also probably help too. Ha ha ha
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Hunger: strangely absent
Body Image: not great...
General disposition: frustrated as hell
Song of the day: 2+2= by Bob Seger
Monday, July 20, 2009
A binge on healthy food is still a binge
What the hell is wrong with me?
You'd think that after eating myself sick on saturday I would have learned my lesson. Nope. I'm like that extra stupid laboratory test rat that keeps pressing the lever that gives them the electric shock. Yes, today I made some baked salmon. I'm PMSing and I decided to show restraint, not give in to my rather suffocating craving for garlic fingers, and instead opted to make some delicious baked salmon. I baked up a large fillet so that I would have enough to bring with my lunch to eat on a salad tomorrow. Uh, no. In my hormonal hungered state I consumed just about all of it. Plus a large hunk of multigrain baguette that I ate the salmon on top of. And some oven roasted asparagus. Ugh. As soon as I finished I felt gross and regretted it. Plus, my stupid eating put me over my weekly points by 2. Sure, I still have 14 activity points I didn't have to use, but I feel badly dipping into them as much as I did. I am feeling all kinds of discouraged and angry with myself.
My weigh in is tomorrow and I think it isn't going to be pretty, between my stupid eating saturday and today, as well as the simple fact I am having my period. However, my points all reset tomorrow so I am going to try to see it as a clean slate, that my two days of stupid eating never happened, and that I am going to be smart next week.
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Hunger: still feeling gross from supper
Body Image: disgusting and bloaty
General disposition: frustrated and disappointed
Song of the day: Can't Find My Way Home by Blind Faith
You'd think that after eating myself sick on saturday I would have learned my lesson. Nope. I'm like that extra stupid laboratory test rat that keeps pressing the lever that gives them the electric shock. Yes, today I made some baked salmon. I'm PMSing and I decided to show restraint, not give in to my rather suffocating craving for garlic fingers, and instead opted to make some delicious baked salmon. I baked up a large fillet so that I would have enough to bring with my lunch to eat on a salad tomorrow. Uh, no. In my hormonal hungered state I consumed just about all of it. Plus a large hunk of multigrain baguette that I ate the salmon on top of. And some oven roasted asparagus. Ugh. As soon as I finished I felt gross and regretted it. Plus, my stupid eating put me over my weekly points by 2. Sure, I still have 14 activity points I didn't have to use, but I feel badly dipping into them as much as I did. I am feeling all kinds of discouraged and angry with myself.
My weigh in is tomorrow and I think it isn't going to be pretty, between my stupid eating saturday and today, as well as the simple fact I am having my period. However, my points all reset tomorrow so I am going to try to see it as a clean slate, that my two days of stupid eating never happened, and that I am going to be smart next week.
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Hunger: still feeling gross from supper
Body Image: disgusting and bloaty
General disposition: frustrated and disappointed
Song of the day: Can't Find My Way Home by Blind Faith
Sunday, July 19, 2009
a pound in 45 minutes?
Made a pretty stupid food move last night. I saved all my flex points all week so that I would be able to go to the market saturday morning, get a beautiful multigrain baguette from the german baker, rich french brie from the cheese stand, and savory cured salami from Yerkes meats and enjoy it without guilt. 
Turns out guilt was the least of my concerns. Apparently after eating careful, balanced meals all week my stomach wasn't prepared for a sudden influx of rich foods and staged a violent protest. I'm fairly sure I felt some molotov cocktails being thrown against my small intestine. So my IBS (which has been so under control for the past couple weeks that I stopped taking my meds) reared it's ugly head in a very major way yesterday and I am going to take my meds again for a while. You win this round, Stomach.
In an attempt to sort of reset my body back so that I stop feeling so gross from yesterday I went to the gym this morning and had a really good workout. Just for fun I weighed myself before and after my work out and there was a difference of almost a pound. That seems like a lot, doesn't it? A pound? in forty-five minutes? Yes, I was working out hard on the elliptical and was sweating a lot, but I can't imagine I sweat off a pound...
Off to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince tonight! YAHOO!
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Hunger: not hungry, just super thirsty
Body Image: feelin' goooood
General disposition: chipper
Song of the day: Hedwig's Theme from Harry Potter
Turns out guilt was the least of my concerns. Apparently after eating careful, balanced meals all week my stomach wasn't prepared for a sudden influx of rich foods and staged a violent protest. I'm fairly sure I felt some molotov cocktails being thrown against my small intestine. So my IBS (which has been so under control for the past couple weeks that I stopped taking my meds) reared it's ugly head in a very major way yesterday and I am going to take my meds again for a while. You win this round, Stomach.In an attempt to sort of reset my body back so that I stop feeling so gross from yesterday I went to the gym this morning and had a really good workout. Just for fun I weighed myself before and after my work out and there was a difference of almost a pound. That seems like a lot, doesn't it? A pound? in forty-five minutes? Yes, I was working out hard on the elliptical and was sweating a lot, but I can't imagine I sweat off a pound...
Off to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince tonight! YAHOO!
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Hunger: not hungry, just super thirsty
Body Image: feelin' goooood
General disposition: chipper
Song of the day: Hedwig's Theme from Harry Potter
Friday, July 17, 2009
Oh look. A book.
This week has been my first week doing Weight Watchers online. So far so good, I suppose. Tracking the points is fairly straight forward, which is what everyone says. Funny how general consensus ends up being correct sometimes. Unlike when people told me the sequel to Dirty Dancing was good. (I feel as though I have died a little inside by watching it.) Anyway, WW is going fine. Before starting it I would frequently skip lunch altogether, so actually having lunch has been a change. I'll be weighing myself tuesdays as that is a day I rarely miss at the gym, which is where the scale is. Come the fall I may switch my weighing days to thursday because that is the night Laura and I go to the gym together and then watch Grey's Anatomy and Supernatural.
Whether it is related to being on WW or if it is because I'm PMSing but I have been starving all week, yet when I do eat I am finding I am getting full quickly. Curious.
So on sunday when I decided to join WW and deal with my eating head on I sought out book recommendations from various sources. I wasn't looking for dieting books exactly, but rather ways to reframe my thinking and develop a different mindset towards eating and food. I decided on 2 books, the first being "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth. They arrived this morning, and by "this morning" I mean sometime between my getting home from the bar at 2am and heading out to work at 7:30am. Seriously, since when do mail delivery guys do the rounds that early!?
Bizarrely early mail delivery aside, I have read the first couple of chapters and a couple things have rung remarkably true with me, while other things seem a bit ridiculous. Once I finish the book (possibly this weekend) I will do a proper review of it but my current opinion is that it might provide some interesting perspectives.
Tomorrow morning I am going to the market. I have saved my weekly flex points to be able to get some delicious baguette, brie, and cured salami that I love so much. I am slightly embarrassed at how excited I am for it.
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Hunger: negligible
Body Image: fairly good
General disposition: sleepy but happy
Song of the day: Take Me Away by Blue Oyster Cult
Whether it is related to being on WW or if it is because I'm PMSing but I have been starving all week, yet when I do eat I am finding I am getting full quickly. Curious.
So on sunday when I decided to join WW and deal with my eating head on I sought out book recommendations from various sources. I wasn't looking for dieting books exactly, but rather ways to reframe my thinking and develop a different mindset towards eating and food. I decided on 2 books, the first being "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth. They arrived this morning, and by "this morning" I mean sometime between my getting home from the bar at 2am and heading out to work at 7:30am. Seriously, since when do mail delivery guys do the rounds that early!?
Bizarrely early mail delivery aside, I have read the first couple of chapters and a couple things have rung remarkably true with me, while other things seem a bit ridiculous. Once I finish the book (possibly this weekend) I will do a proper review of it but my current opinion is that it might provide some interesting perspectives.
Tomorrow morning I am going to the market. I have saved my weekly flex points to be able to get some delicious baguette, brie, and cured salami that I love so much. I am slightly embarrassed at how excited I am for it.
------------
Hunger: negligible
Body Image: fairly good
General disposition: sleepy but happy
Song of the day: Take Me Away by Blue Oyster Cult
Backstory
So, weight loss.
yeah....
That isn't terrifying at all. Ha ha. No really, holy crap. Seriously addressing my weight is an incredibly daunting prospect but I truly believe for the first time in my life that I'm mentally prepared for it. What caused me to be ready at the age of 27 and being overweight/obese for the vast majority of it? I'm frankly not 100% sure, but a turning point for me was when I dumped my boyfriend this time last year. He was a nice guy, he was in love with me, and I probably could have stayed with him in a very long term way but I knew I would be settling. I decided I deserved more than the life I would be settling for if I stayed with him. Once that was done with I think I realized I was settling in other areas of my life, especially my health, so I started addressing my life.
The first big step I had taken in years towards being healthy happened a week or two after ending the relationship - I joined the YMCA. In the beginning I really struggled. I was incredibly inactive, and I had to push to finish 15 minutes on the recumbent bike. My feet would go numb after about 7 minutes, (God, even as I type that I am embarrassed!) and I felt a little panicked at the fact that I had locked myself financially into a year long membership. How was I possibly going to do this? Plus, I was (and still am for that matter) the biggest woman there by a fairly hefty margin. Daunting doesn't quite cover it, believe you me.
Almost a year has passed since then and I now go the gym regularly. I no longer use the recumbent bikes, instead using crosstrainer and elliptical machines, working out on them for usually 45 minutes and doing 120-145 strides per minute at high inclines. My fitness level has increased tremendously, I kind of can't believe it looking back. Unfortunately I have a bad foot/ankle following a fairly severe fall I had 2 years ago and that puts a bit of a cramp on my workout, but I am currently getting that addressed medically so hopefully that won't be an issue for much longer.
I never really weighed myself before all this, because who wants to know that terrifying number! If I had to guess I would say I was topping 325-330lbs a year ago, give or take. I was a size 24. Today I am a size 22 and as of monday I weighed 304. The fact that I have only lost ~25lbs of weight over the course of the year (I thought it was more due to using two different scales...) despite my rather epic shift in fitness says a whoooooole lot about my eating. I know I know, the whole "you gained muscle and that weighs more than fat" argument, but seriously... Anyway, I don't really eat unhealthy foods - there are no chips/candy/sweets in my house, I cook at home (exceptionally well if I do say so myself) and don't eat out very often at all, and never do fast food. I love vegetables and healthy foods. I just eat way too much of it. So I am now making the decision to get the food end of things under control. Becoming active seemed like an impossible task before I started but was easier than I thought. Hopefully it will be the same for this.
yeah....
That isn't terrifying at all. Ha ha. No really, holy crap. Seriously addressing my weight is an incredibly daunting prospect but I truly believe for the first time in my life that I'm mentally prepared for it. What caused me to be ready at the age of 27 and being overweight/obese for the vast majority of it? I'm frankly not 100% sure, but a turning point for me was when I dumped my boyfriend this time last year. He was a nice guy, he was in love with me, and I probably could have stayed with him in a very long term way but I knew I would be settling. I decided I deserved more than the life I would be settling for if I stayed with him. Once that was done with I think I realized I was settling in other areas of my life, especially my health, so I started addressing my life.
The first big step I had taken in years towards being healthy happened a week or two after ending the relationship - I joined the YMCA. In the beginning I really struggled. I was incredibly inactive, and I had to push to finish 15 minutes on the recumbent bike. My feet would go numb after about 7 minutes, (God, even as I type that I am embarrassed!) and I felt a little panicked at the fact that I had locked myself financially into a year long membership. How was I possibly going to do this? Plus, I was (and still am for that matter) the biggest woman there by a fairly hefty margin. Daunting doesn't quite cover it, believe you me.
Almost a year has passed since then and I now go the gym regularly. I no longer use the recumbent bikes, instead using crosstrainer and elliptical machines, working out on them for usually 45 minutes and doing 120-145 strides per minute at high inclines. My fitness level has increased tremendously, I kind of can't believe it looking back. Unfortunately I have a bad foot/ankle following a fairly severe fall I had 2 years ago and that puts a bit of a cramp on my workout, but I am currently getting that addressed medically so hopefully that won't be an issue for much longer.
I never really weighed myself before all this, because who wants to know that terrifying number! If I had to guess I would say I was topping 325-330lbs a year ago, give or take. I was a size 24. Today I am a size 22 and as of monday I weighed 304. The fact that I have only lost ~25lbs of weight over the course of the year (I thought it was more due to using two different scales...) despite my rather epic shift in fitness says a whoooooole lot about my eating. I know I know, the whole "you gained muscle and that weighs more than fat" argument, but seriously... Anyway, I don't really eat unhealthy foods - there are no chips/candy/sweets in my house, I cook at home (exceptionally well if I do say so myself) and don't eat out very often at all, and never do fast food. I love vegetables and healthy foods. I just eat way too much of it. So I am now making the decision to get the food end of things under control. Becoming active seemed like an impossible task before I started but was easier than I thought. Hopefully it will be the same for this.
