I don't think this is something to be embarrassed over...

I just posted in the WW message boards about this but I feel like I need to put this in here too.

For some reason I can't bring myself to tell my male friends that I am trying to lose weight and that I am on Weight Watchers. These friendships are 100% platonic and more along the lines of brothers than anything else. I'm functionally "one of the guys" so why I am unable to tell them this when I have arguably over-shared with them every other aspect of my life is beyond me. I mean, they know that I have been going to the gym for the past year, they no doubt have noticed the 30+ pounds I have lost so far, so it isn't like this is a giant secret or anything. And I know they would be incredibly supportive if I told them, just as they were when I joined the gym. (One, who keeps himself very fit, even offered to go and work out with me.)

I consider myself a fairly self aware and intuitive person, largely due to my father's influence and my own psychology degree. I can almost always pinpoint the reasons why I am have a certain emotional reaction to things or why I am inclined to a certain behaviour. But for some reason I am drawing a blank on this. I don't get why I have this block. It is strange to me.

in other news, I am feeling pretty grungy today and am really inclined to skip the gym. I think I will regret it if I do, especially on thursday when I don't see any loss at my weigh in, but at the same time I am totally exhausted and feeling kind of unwell. Maybe I'll go but not go as hard as I usually do..

------------

Hunger: quite high... really need to eat lunch

Body Image: not great

General disposition: a bit gloomy and melancholy due to my not feeling well today

Song of the day: Sister Moonshine by Supertramp

Do not want

Remember this? Yeah, well, on monday I finally cracked and bought some. Holy hell is that stuff delicious. However, despite only having carefully measured tablespoons of it, pointing each one diligently, I have been feeling gross and just sort of unhealthy since I bought it. So today I threw it out, but first pouring some soy sauce in it so that I wouldn't be able to change my mind. It was scary how much my reaction to it was like that of a drug addicts. I no joke was thinking on my drive home how the first thing I wanted to do was have a spoonfull of it, which is the exact moment when I decided to throw it out. I shouldn't be having thoughts like that about artifical canned frosting for God's sake. It was like a needed a fix or something equally sick. I mean honestly, if I am going to jones for something I would at least hope it would be something cool, or at least less disgusting! Canned frosting? Seriously? Seriously?! WHAT THE HELL!

Anyway, as I said, I felt physically gross after eating any of it, so this really is a case of "Be careful what you wish for." And despite pointing every tablespoon I wouldn't be at all surprised to see a gain on the scales next week because of it. Franky I think I would deserve it.

In other news, my work pants are hanging off my ass lately. I bought them around March and at the time they were fitting quite snugly. Now I can take handfuls of fabric at ass, legs, and especially at the waist. I am to the point that I can take them off without unbuttoning/zipping them. A solid size too big, which is both awesome because hey! loose pants! but also annoying because they are otherwise fine work pants, not at all worn out or anything, and I don't really want to have to buy a new pair. That said, I don't want to be pracing about work in pants that make it look like I am wearing a diaper or something so new pants it is!

And yes I am being a bit of a downer at the moment, not super happy or enthusiastic, and coming home to an apartment devoid of electricity today didn't help. BUT tomorrow is friday PLUS I have a massage scheduled for right after work so I should snap out of it then.

------------

Hunger: none, which is good as it is bed time

Body Image: kinda gross and blorpy

General disposition: disappointed and I suppose embarassed

Song of the day: Stranglehold by Ted Nugent

Nearing the 15lb mark

Down 1.8 pounds this week. Not bad considering how much rum I drank over the weekend. It is so nice seeing my weight graph continue its lovely downward slope and I am hoping that next week I will have lost 15 pounds since I started this. That would be very nice to see.

I have also changed my weigh in days to thursday. Why? Well, this time next week it will be September which means Grey's Anatomy and Supernatural will be back on, which in turn means that Laura and I will be starting up our "go to the gym together and then watch Grey's and SPN" routine once more. We also watch Lost and America's Next Top Model (trashy, I know, but oh so good) on wednesdays and go to the gym then as well, but I think I would prefer to weigh thursdays. That way it is right before the weekend and I'll know exactly how many activity points I'll have to make up (if any). Oh, and I've started recording my measurements. Could be interesting.

In other news, my bad foot continues to behave like a petulant child, hurting and aching and being a real nuisance pretty much constantly. I finally called my doctor to try to get an update as I had rays and scans done to it over a month and a half ago. In addition to my foot it is time for my yearly pap test.... how I loathe having doctors fuss with my lady bits... ah well. Necessary evil. Anyway, the problem is that they are on vacation. I'm hoping that is why I haven't heard anything in regards to my referral to see an orthopedic surgeon and not because they lost my scans or something. I will be calling back monday morning though.

------------

Hunger: nominal. Had delicious sushi before going to the gym

Body Image: pretty good

General disposition: motivated and happy

Song of the day: Thunderstruck by AC/DC

Broken record

I know I say this every monday but this week's weigh in miiiight not be so good. I had a rather epic weekend during which I enjoyed myself thoroughly in many different ways. We tubed down the river, swam, went fishing, swam some more... Even at midnight we went night swimming in the river again because it was so warm. But during all this I drank a boat load of rum. I still have my 43 activity points untouched, so I might be fine, but I'm not feeling confident. So I guess we'll see tomorrow. In the mean time I am skipping the gym tonight (I know, I know, I should be going), but I am really sore from all the weekend activities.

And for the record, being young and single rules. :)

------------

Hunger: moderate

Body Image: awesome

General disposition: glowy

Song of the day: Shambala by Three Dog Night

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant

This period has been quite minor cramp wise (which is usually my problem), but holy hell are my emotions getting kicked in the balls with steel toed boots. I have been feeling tragic and desperate and teary and and furious and hateful.... I truly had a horrible day at work because I was completely incapable of handling any of the normal hiccups that come with programming. I am also starving, or at least am fixating on food despite having eaten a very reasonable supper already. I have been craving rainbow bit canned frosting more strongly than I think I have craved anything in my life.

When I'm not thinking about how I want to kill things and cry, I am thinking about rainbow bit

canned frosting. My friend Jourdan can attest to this as I have mentioned it a bunch of times all week. Seriously, all I want to do it sit down with a can rainbow bit frosting and a spoon and just eat the whole thing.

I have been thinking about it non stop. I imagine how it would taste, how the rainbow bits would melt in my mouth, the creamy thick taste coating my tonuge, sweetly melting down my throat. God damn I want some of that stupid disgusting icing. I had to get groceries today and I had to skip the baking isle because I knew if I saw it I would buy it, and if I had a can of that crap in my house I wouldn't be satisfied with just a spoonful or something. I would eat the whole thing. I know it. So I didn't go near it, didn't buy it. I did, however, figure out how many points it would be for a can of that crap.

Sadly, as gross as 43 points is, that totally has NOT reduced my craving even in the slightest. I feel like a sociopath.

------------

Hunger: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepic

Body Image: not good

General disposition: stabby and weepy all at once

Song of the day: Bodies by Drowning Pool

Pardon my surprise!

Go figure.

Despite what I perceived as a fairly substantial amount of eating over the weekend I still lost 1.6 pounds this week. I guess all the gym time I put in last week and eating really carefully before the weekend paid off. Imagine how much I would have lost if I hadn't eaten everything extra that I did over the weekend? ha ha Anyway, to celebrate my surprise loss I had a good workout at the gym. And now as punishment for not eating more smartly over the weekend I get to do the enormous pile of dishes from it.

In other news, it has been stupidly hot here for what feels like thirty seven years (in actuality only about 9 days) and I have been MELTING! I fear my electric bill this month as my air conditoner has been running basically non-stop. Poor Rhubarb has essentially camped out on the top of her cat house with her ass pointed at the AC... interesting way to keep cool. My problem with the heat is that my ankles are all gross and swollen. it is digusting. I frankly wish I hadn't noticed because now I am self conscious of them. Blar.

------------

Hunger: fairly high, the cereal I had before the gym has been burned off

Body Image: self conscious hair wise, but otherwise positive

General disposition: resigned

Song of the day: Heavy Music by Bob Seger System

Blorp

RE: my previous, entry, I can say with a lot of clarity that nope, apparently I don't learn.

Was the weekend fun? Definitely!! And we ate and drank substantially less than we did last time, and yes we swam at the beach a lot, but I still didn't make smart choices food wise. I tracked as best I could this evening after she left and it *looks* like I didn't go over, though I had to use basically all the activity points I earned during the week. What is ridiculous is it wasn't unconscious decisions! I mean, take today's lunch for example.

1. I ordered "french waffles" which are waffles dipped in french toast stuff then fried. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THNINKING!?
2. As I cracked open the second packet of butter to put on my eggy waffles I thought to myself "Well, this is going to suck to point..." but still spread it on my waffles.
3. half way through the meal I became aware that I was full and I literally thought to myself, "Yup, now would be a good time to stop eating. If I keep going I'll feel sick." ... and then I ate the last waffle anyway. (and felt sick afterwards, surprise surprise)

So basically I am stupider than those test rats that keep pressing the lever that gives them an electric shock. I also didn't drink nearly enough water, especially considering how much time we spent in the heat at the beach, so I feel all blorpy and bloaty just from dehydration and water retention. My plan for tomorrow is to slam back water all day, eat smartly, and hit the gym after work. I know that my WI tuesday probably is going to be a gain, though hopefully not almost two and a half like last time. I am praying that my being very diligent during the week with both my eating and going to the gym will help offset the stupidness of the weekend.

------------

Hunger: Ugggh don't want to think about eating :(

Body Image: blorpy

General disposition: conflicted

Song of the day: Mr. Spaceman by The Byrds

Have I learned from my mistakes? We'll find out.

First, two mini victories.

1. Yesterday was "ice cream day" at work and there were giant bins of ice cream bars, drumsticks, ice cream sandwiches and all sorts of delicious things. There were also piles of chips, cheesies and other tasty things around as well. I sooo wanted some ice cream but instead I just had a popsicle and just enjoyed the sun and chatting with people. Pretty big victory because I loves me some ice cream.

2. Today a friend/co-worker and I went out for lunch. There was an awesome Fish and Chips special on, and this was a place with reliably EXCELLENT fish and chips. But no, I was good and ordered a sandwich (no fries). Then, in a moment of weakness, I ordered a piece of peanutbutter pie. It was delicious but I just had three bites. Ryan finished it for me, ha ha. Anyway, I shouldn't have ordered the pie but at least I was able to be happy with just a taste. :)

So this weekend Tiff is coming down for a visit. If you recall last time Tiff and I spent the weekend together we both ended up eating non-stop and gaining weight (2.3 lbs for me). Tiff knows I am not willing to do that to myself again, especially since I am finally in the 200's, but you know how these things happen...

Anyway, as it stands I have all of my weekly points left, as well as 33 activity points, so if there are indescretions hopefully they will be enough to cover them. We're planning on going to the market tomorrow but I am going to not get a donair or sausage for 'breakfast', instead going to have breakfast at home before we go. That way when we get the cheese and meat from the market for later in the day I'll be able to enjoy it without guilt. :)

So yeah, I'm optimistic that this round won't be as disasterous as last time.

Now I need to clean my sty of an apartment before she arrives this evening. Oie, it is filthy. Seriously, why the freg do I let my apartment get this gross? Ugh.

------------
Hunger: negligible
Body Image: Good but my hair looks like death today
General disposition: Bouncy
Song of the day: Round and Round by Ratt

TTYN 300's!

Um, holy hell. I just went to the gym and I am 297.6lbs. And this was before my work out (I usually lose about a pound during a workout). I am offically under 300 pounds. I'm in the 200's for the first time in... well, jesus, I don't know! Probably some ridiculous amount of time like 4 years. I know its only ten pounds that I have lost but it feels incredibly significant. Actually when I read the scale at the gym I just sort of blinked at it for a bit and then teared up a tiny bit. No actual tears, mind you but my eyes were probably a little glassy. ha ha ha

Anyway, after my rather epic weigh in I had a fantastic workout on the elliptcal. I totally kung-fu karate chopped that workout's ass and feel really really good. I don't even care about the 11 activity points it earned me as I try hard not to use my APs. I had been having a fairly crappy day, what with the ex I dumped OVER A YEAR AGO emailing me (and this is after a string of emails/messages/calls from him over the past year trying to 'be friends' and reconcile... uh, no) . My workout and awesome weigh in combined to make Captain Planet me feel totally at peace and in control again and just plain 'ol happy.

------------
Hunger: moderate. Had a yummy snack of carrots and home made hummus before the gym.
Body Image: quite good!
General disposition: EXCITED AS HELL
Song of the day: Don't Stop Me by Styx

Hope hope hope

Tomorrow is my WI after last week's rather significant gain from the Campbelton trip. I am hoping that tomorrow goes well, that there is at least *some* loss. I can't know for sure how it will play out as I haven't made it to the gym as much this week as I would have liked. I went thursday and had planned to go Friday, Saturday and Sunday as well but instead I ended up getting a car (my first car I should add) with my father and then going to visit my parents for the weekend so that dad could teach me how to drive it. (I got a stick shift and I had never driven one before saturday... AND I live in a very hilly city... AND I live at the bottom of the biggest hill and my office is at the top of the hill.... yeah, not so much with the good planning, eh? LOL) Anyway, the weekend was spent learning how to drive a standard transmission car, not going to the gym or being especially active, thus my activity was rather less than wonderful. So I can only hope that my staying within my daily points was enough.

On the other hand, I have a brand new 2010 Corolla!! AWWWW YEAH! I can't believe I have a car for the first time in my life. 27 years old seems stupidly old to get a first car, yet here I am. Effing excitied though. I feel like a grown up. I am still going to walk to and from the market on the weekends with Laura, and I am still going to go to the gym, so I am hoping that having the car (which I lovingly named "Kevin") won't reduce how much activity I get. No, I think Kevin will just make getting to work less ridiculous (MAN I hate the bus!), as well as doing things on the weekend more possible. So we shall see.

------------
Hunger: moderate. I'll be hungry for breakfast for sure.
Body Image: not the best
General disposition: Happy
Song of the day: Lorelei by Styx

Feeling MUCH better

I just had a fabulous workout at the gym. It is crazy how much better I feel now, even with my bad foot acting up. 50 intense minutes on the elliptical machine going at an average 135 strides per minutes is better than any other sort of pick me up or mood booster. I was sweating so much that the spice perfume I sprayed on this morning re-emerged from my skin, which actually was both kind of gross but mostly awesome because I love my perfume. hahahaha

I also reread a lot of my entries on this blog and sweet mercy, when did I become such a darker!? So many of my posts are so dark and whiney and complainy! Yes, there have been some frustrating points, but there have been successes too. I need to quit darking out all the time and just ride the wave. I'm doing this, I have a net loss so far, and I am committed. All things to be excited about.

and in a horrible schadenfreude kind of moment, I gained deep pleasure knowing that Tiff, my thin friend/cousin I was visiting last weekend, gained 5lbs from what we ate last weekend. So I guess my 2.3 pounds could have been worse. ;) And the weekend really was fun, so I need to quit fixating on the gain. Just next time we won't eat so much! LOL

------------
Hunger: pretty intense actually. almost 9pm and still haven't had supper!
Body Image: good
General disposition: chipper
Song of the day: Changing Times by Nazareth

Apparently it ISN'T in me to give!

So part of WW is that you take a multivitamin every day, which I have been doing all month. I have also been eating really quite carefully (minus last weekend) so when I went to try to donate blood yesterday I figured I would be good to go. Last time I tried I was denied because my iron levels were too low, but surely they would be fine now!

Nope.

Apparently my iron levels are STILL too low, despite the supplemental iron and healthy eating and going to the gym. I was still in the normal range, albeit in the lower end of the spectrum, but still. It is frustrating. So yes, my blood could very well cure cancer, let people puke rainbows, and give them the power crap gold, but I guess we'll never know because stupid old Canadian Blood Services won't take my blood.

This whole situation has really frosted my cupcakes. I don't know why but I am totally taking it as a personal offense.

------------
Hunger: just had lunch, so I'm good
Body Image: pretty good actually
General disposition: happy-ish
Song of the day: Tuesday's Gone by Metallica

2.3 pounds but still battling

Well, I weighed myself yesterday. Gained 2.3 pounds.

Okay, so I knew it was going to happen, and I knew while I was consuming the cheesecake and the pizza and rum that it was going to shows on the scale so I don't really have the right to be so pissed off but I AM pissed off. Massively so. Pissed off at myself. I've only had 4 weigh ins and I have suffered gains two of those. There aren't enough curse words in the english language to communicate how frustrated I am.

So. What to do with all this. Binge eat and give up? Yeah, maybe. Definitely tempting. I mean, I've been obese for basically my whole life and I am adapted to it, used to it, and frankly comfortable with it. I know how to dress my body when it is this size, know what kinds of reactions to expect from people. I have a positive self image and consider myself attractive. I date, I have sex, I have friends, I socialize. I have a great career and am doing something I love and am good at. I lead a very very happy life. All of this while being over 300lbs. I mean, everything I know and am comfortable with will leave along with the weight. So is it worth all this frustration, hard work, and stress trying to drop the weight?

YES.

It is times like this that I need to remind myself of that fact, that it IS worth it. It is worth breaking out of my carefully crafted life. It is a comfortable and undeniably happy life I lead, but I know that I could be happier. And it is the long term realities that I need to think about. Yes, I am happy now but years down the road I am going pay a massive price for holding all this extra weight. I've escaped relatively unscathed so far but I truly am a ticking time bomb for future health issues.

I don't expect or even want my life to be completely changed by weight loss. I don't think that by dropping all the weight I will some how have a job I love more, or that my friends will magically become even more amazing. I just want MORE of all the positive things I already have in my life and I want to be able to enjoy the fantastic things in my life more completely.

So I am not giving up. Gains will happen, as will stupid eating mistakes. But I am fighting this battle and I am in it for the long haul.

------------
Hunger: non existant
Body Image: average
General disposition: frustrated. Very very frustrated.
Song of the day: Gasoline by Living Daylights

Vacation = Uh Oh

Yeah.... weighing myself this week is going to be brutal, I can pretty much guarantee it. Last week I was doing very well points and activity wise. I was really encouraged by my loss the week before. I screwed up my bad foot at the gym early in the week but still forced myself to go anyway (it's already screwed up so why not) and I ate very carefully all week because I knew I would be eating a lot over my 4 day vacation up north. I EVEN went to the gym friday morning before I caught the bus to Campbelton, which is something I never thought I would have the motivation to do in a thousand years. I'm actually pretty proud of that. I know it isn't much, but I could have slept in and had a 'proper' start to my vacation. I'm trying to see that as a marker of my seriousness when it comes to this process. That, or temporary insanity. Hopefully the former.

Six hours on a bus later I was there and any sort of food common sense was apparently left at home. Pizza, cheesecake, rum, chips, more rum, kraft dinner, fuzzy peach slices, poutine, more rum.... I didn't track my WW points while I was there but when I got home last night I tracked everything I ate. Jesus Mary and Joseph did I eat a lot and it is terrifying how far over my points I went, and I am sure there are things I forgot and didn't track. I frankly wish I didn't know how far over I am but the whole point of all this is to be accountable, right? And yeah, my minor victory of going to the gym before catching the bus there definitely wasn't enough to offset it. ha ha ha

I am feeling physically pretty gross because of the food I ate this past weekend. Sluggish and bloated and basically just fat. I probably should keep this whole experience in mind next time I intend to have a binge weekend. I need to tell myself next time:

1. you'll feel guilty
   
2. you'll feel physically gross
3. you'll have to work like a crazy person to undo the damage

I had a really fun vacation, no question, and I am glad I went, epic six hour busride each way and all. I just wish I hadn't eaten so much and eaten so many high cal/high fat foods.


In other but related news, I was possibly going to be going away this coming weekend as well but it has fallen through. To be honest I am mostly relieved. I know that would have been another bad point weekend and as much fun as I know it would have been I am much happier spending the weekend home, not drinking, eating sensibly, and exercising. (Plus I don't know that my cat could handle anouther weekend alone. She is one grouchy SOB from being left home while I was away and she woke me up a couple times last night, screaming in my face for cuddles and reassurance.)

Anyway, I am back on track as of yesterday. Hopefully I can bounce back from this quickly.

------------
Hunger: moderate
Body Image: quite good considering. Attribute that to having a good hair day.
General disposition: sleepy but happy
Song of the day: Freewill by Rush