So I am watching the tv show "Biggest Loser" for the first time. It is.... well, upsetting for lack of word. I'm watching these women weigh in and they weigh less than me. A lot less. What is even more... alarming I guess is that I used to weight as much and more than a bunch of the men on the show. I mean, it is great seeing the show, seeing them work hard and seeing it pay off, seeing their weight loss... But man... seeing these people weigh significantly less than me but in my eyes look as heavy as I think I look... I clearly have a very screwed up vision of how I look, as though I have a weird form of body dismorphic disorder.
I don't know, this has really kind of done a number on my head. I'm feeling very fat and gross now. I'm also having this insane "OH MY GOD GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" reaction to my fat, as though my fat is insects or something. Out of no where, after being okay with size for years and years, I suddenly am sickened by my weight. I want this weight off now and while I know I am getting it off and that I am doing it and I will get it off I am suddenly having this irrational need to have it gone immediately.
Short of hacking at my body with a sword, this weight is going to be with me for quite a while to come, so I guess I need to get over this. I'm going to hit the gym now, rock it hard and keep myself committed to this.
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Hunger: not hungry at all
Body Image: Pretty horrible now....
General disposition: a little glum
Song of the day: Running by Grand Funk Railroad
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