Choppy choppy and now I feel better

Okay, so yesterday was a rough day for me. I swear I became dehydrated from crying. LOL The big shocker was that I did NOT binge eat and stayed within my WW points for the day. I really really wanted to eat everything I saw, order in a pizza, eat it, and then probably find something else to eat but I didn't. I had the realization that all eating like that would accomplish would be to make me feel unwell and later feel even worse come thursday's weigh in. I also had a couple moments of "Why the eff did I choose this month to not drink alcohol?" but again I didn't indulge. I just sort of decided that my time of consuming things to deal with emotional upheavals is over. So instead I cried, watched Supernatural with Jourdan, and went to bed early.

As much as a victory not stress eating was I still needed an outlet for my stress. Well, I am a stress cutter, but not in the sense that you think. When I am stressed out I cut (or dye) my hair. For whatever reason it totally makes me feel better and whatever funk I am completely evaporates. Three years ago I went from long brown hair to short pixie platinum blonde hair because I was stressed out over moving. ha ha ha Anyway, clearly my foot surgery situation is darking me out so today at lunch I went and got my hair cut. IT LOOKS FABULOUS!!!

Modesty be damned, I look great with bangs! Who knew! It is a big change but I am extremely happy with it. Anyway, I feel completely brand new and while my impending surgery is not fantastic it feels much more manageable now. It is all for the best. Short term pain, long term solution. :) Everything feels completely possible now. I can manage the foot surgery. I can lose the weight. I can win.

I am now going to take my fabulous hair and gimped up foot to the gym. :)
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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: AWESOME
General disposition: Optimistic
Song of the day: Smoke and Mirrors by Paloma Faith

Surgery

I went to see the foot specialist today and she said I definitely need surgery. Everything I explained to her that I have been dealing with 100% confirms the damage I have, which is a torn ligament that holds the top of my foot together. In the xray there is a big gap between two bones and she said, "Do you see that gap? Yeah, that shouldn't be there. They should be snug up against each other. You've completely torn that ligament." So I need to have a plate and some screws put into my foot to correct it. It will give me a big scar running down the top of my foot, which I don't care overly about. It also will require me being in a cast for 6 weeks, and it is THAT point that is really upsetting me. Going to the gym, working out, building my fitness has become a huge part of my life and really important to me. I have made enormous strides in my health and I am terrified that I will lose all the ground I have gained. I am so scared that once the cast is off I won't get back at the gym and that I will gain all the weight I have lost back. I am just completely terrified.

I cried (obviously) when she said I need the surgery, but she was expecting it because I warned her the minute she walked in that I will probably cry at her one way or another. After leaving I drove back to work but just sort of sat in the parking lot and cried. I called my sister Leah and cried at her for about half an hour and she told me to just go home because I'm not going to be able to get any work done today. The minute someone asked me how the appointment went I would just start crying again. So I am home now, sad and with a cry headache.

I'll be an adult about this tomorrow. For now, I am going to be sad and cry and try to resist the urge to binge eat.

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Hunger: too sad to eat
Body Image: not great
General disposition: very sad
Song of the day: Crying by Roy Orbison

Reward goal: tattoo

I have decided I need to set some reward goals for myself. Yes yes, weight loss is its own reward, blah blah, but I think there need to be some concrete things to strive for as well.Unfortunately I don't have any reward-ish ideas that aren't financially indulgent as well, but I guess so long as I budget for them it'll be fine. (I'm very strict with my budget.)

My biggest reward I have planned is a tattoo. I already have a couple, each symbolizing a big part of who I am. For instance, my sisters and I all have matching little tattoos over our hearts. I think a tattoo, being permanent, needs to be of something that deeply resonates with you. My plan is to get a tattoo of this:

Yes, it is the symbol for the British pound. So why do I want this tattoo?

1. my initials are "lb" like the short hand for pound. 
2. I want it to symbolize my weight loss and all the pounds I have lost. 

I feel like I need to give myself a permanent reminder of my weight loss so that I won't do it again, won't let myself get this heavy every again. I had been toying with the idea of getting just the number tattooed of my highest weight. I also toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo of one of those 1 tonne weights they use in cartoons to drop on people but I like this better. Yes, I know that this particular symbol represents the currency not the unit of weight measurement but I still really like this concept. So when I get below 200lbs I am going to get this tattoo. I just haven't decided where yet. Has to be someplace concealable like the rest of my tattoos. Probably my ass is the best place.

That is the only reward I can come up with so far. I feel like I should have a reward for hitting 275, 250, 225, and for hitting my goal but all I really care about is getting below 200lbs and this tattoo. There isn't really anything else I want or need.

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Hunger: nil
Body Image: pretty good!
General disposition: perplexed by things unrelated to my weight
Song of the day: Got My Mind Set On You by George Harrison

How is that even possible?!

So I lost 2.2 pounds last week. How in the name of mercy is that possible?! I practically drank my body weight in rum last weekend, and binge ate a giant pile of smoked salmon, plus I didn't get in very much gym time. Every single weekly point was used, and I only had a handful of activity points left. Yet despite those things I still lost that much. I am done trying to understand or anticipate my weightloss. The weeks when I am convinced I won't lose always end up being good loss weeks. It is insane.

I did it all again this past weekend, what with the epic drinking again. (It was moose hunting weekend!) I had an awesome time but again drank my body weight in rum. I pointed as best I could and as it stands I have used up all my weekly points and only have half an activity point left. I'm going to rock it at the gym this week so hopefully it will end up okay. I'm just going to eat very carefully the rest of this week, pound back the water.

I have also decided to not drink alcohol again until Hallowe'en. I have consumed WAY too much alcohol the past few weeks/month and as much as I have been losing weight I don't feel I've been very healthy. I mean, yeah, I have put in a lot of time at the gym but that much alcohol isn't good for me. Plus, I really don't think I have been getting enough sleep and I think it is affecting my performance at work. Addressing the drinking and my poor sleep habits I think I will really help me feel better and let me focus in on the gym and my fitness.Plus, my friend Laura is going to be gone basically until Hallowe'en so it will be easy to not drink and keep things lower key because I probably won't have much to do with her away! ha ha ha

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Hunger: does a hangover count as hunger?
Body Image: pretty great
General disposition: tired, hungover, but good
Song of the day: I'm not your lover by Jann Arden

Dear my stomach... you're an asshole

What in the name of all things holy is wrong with me??

Yesterday I horf down a pile of smoked salmon and feel sick afterwards. Today I horf down a whole avocado and not only feel sick but I have my IBS flare up. What the FREG was I expecting?! Seriously, eating a whole avocado is pretty stupid for me as it is one of my triggers. I can have a little and be fine but a whole one, on an empty stomach?! I may as well have eaten a bottle of laxative and TNT. The result would have been similar, believe me. I did have enough sense to take my medication once the attack began so it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it was still pretty bad. I am still feeling it frankly, and I expect I will be twitchy for a day or two. I feel churney and crampy and bloated as hell. I full on refused to skip the gym like I did yesterday due to idiotic eating so today I did go. After 25 minutes I thought I would going to die from the pains in my stomach, but at least I was able to do 25 minutes.

I am pretty effing sure that tomorrow's WI is going to be bad. Between the ridiculous binges the past two days and the nineteen thousand drinks I had last weekend and the not getting to the gym very much (only three days this week, and today was a wussy one)... yeah, it doesn't bode well. Basically if I stay the same I will be very pleased. If I lose any I will be absolutely shocked.

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Hunger: urgh.... shut up about food

Body Image: pretty sure if I tripped I would just roll

General disposition: irritated with myself

Song of the day: Double Vision by Foreigner

Everything I need to know I learned from 9 ounces of smoked salmon

So, I binge ate today. Sort of. At the very least I ate way too much. A friend of mine has a fisherman friend who smokes his own salmon. It is by far the best smoked salmon I have ever had. He does amazing cold smoked but he knew I like hot smoked a lot too so he did some up for me. Well, today I was given two large packages of hot smoked salmon, each about 9-11 ounces. One whiff of the salty smoky fish let me know that this was going to be the best hot smoked salmon I have had.

Well, I ate an entire package.

IN MY DEFENSE I was incredibly hungry all day, having an incredibly unsatisfactory lunch, so when I got home and saw that salmon staring at me.... yeah. Anyway, my plan was to eat it on a salad but the second I cracked into it I just sort of ate it all. (And this isn't the first time.) I still had the salad later but that is like saying "Hey, nice outfit!" to someone you just intentionally kicked in the nuts - doesn't exactly make amends, you know? And I didn't really acknowledge how much salmon I was eating until I had finished it. I pointed for it and actually am still within my daily points, but I really should have made smarter food choices. And the whole "eating so much so quickly that you feel like you are going to hurl" isn't exactly normal or good behaviour.

The other problem with the binge is that I felt (and still feel) so gross and heavy from eating so much that I didn't feel able to go to the gym. I'm still a little sore from yesterday's workout, but I would have toughed it out if I hadn't eaten myself sick. Maybe that is WHY I subconsciously decided to eat myself sick, to give myself an out for the gym. Hmm.

Furthermore, by hoovering all that salmon I ran a very real risk that my IBS would flare up and cause a bad attack but nothing so far, just a generic over-eating tummy ache. It was actually a huge risk because I have more or less stopped taking my medication for my Irritable Bowel Syndrome because it makes me a bit drowsy, plus I don't like taking so many pills all the time. Anyway, not having an attack means I have somehow dodged a major bullet there,  Matrix-style (ie. all impossible, defying the laws of logic and physics). As glad as I am that I am not suffering an attack right now, part of me thinks that a couple hours of intense pain and  epic gastrointestinal trauma would have helped the message hit home. ha ha ha

So what am I going to take away from this little event? Well, for one I am going to bring better and more filling lunches to work. An english muffin and a small apple does not a lunch make, especially when you did an intense 10 AP earning work out the night before. Coming home from work that ravenous isn't a smart plan. I'm fairly sure I would have binge eaten just about anything, but I just happened to find the smoked salmon first.On some level I guess it I should be glad I didn't find something worse first. Also, I am going to be more vigilante. Yes, I have done well the past 2 months, dropping ~20lbs, but clearly my dark passenger* is still with me. I can't get too complacent. I'm going to have to be more careful in the future to make sure it stays at bay. The finally thing I am going to take away is that I am not perfect, that there are going to be times when I make stupid food decisions, that I binge eat or just mess up, and that these times are not the end of the world. It isn't a failure so long as I don't let it defeat me. As long as I account for the food I ate, no matter how scary/embarrassing, and jump back on the horse as soon as possible all things can be overcome.

Even an epic salmon binge.

*you get 10 points if you got the Dexter reference. 

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Hunger: Oh god, get it away from me! NO MORE FOOD!

Body Image: it was okay but I'm so over stuffed now I feel gross

General disposition: fishy

Song of the day: Moment of Weakness by Bif Naked

Undoing the damage

Holy Mercy, did I have a fantastic weekend. I went out of town with my friend and we enjoyed a fantastic time in the country. Even attended a moose calling competition! ha ha ha Awesome. Anyway, the spectacular weekend included vast amounts of alcohol... I made smart and weight watchers friendly food choices, but the alcohol pushed me WAY over my points. I used up all my weekly points, as well as the activity points I had earned, and still had a 9 point deficit! Crazy, right? I kicked ass at the gym tonight and made up that deficit plus some, so I hope to be okay for my weigh in thursday. Actually, I took a sneaky peek at my weight tonight at the gym before I did my work out and I was actually down almost a pound from my last weigh in! That may have something to do with my being PMSy last week so that water weight fell off. And yeah, there can be a lot of fluctuation day to day. But I at least don't feel totally screwed over.

What is funny is that I am doing it all over again THIS weekend, plus a day! I'm heading back out there Thursday evening (after my weigh in and workout). It is moose hunting weekend, and while I don't hunt it is still going to entail a lot of drinking and partying, though at least this weekend will probably also include some tromping through the woods and activity. (This past weekend didn't involve a lot of activity.) Anyway, this is the last hurrah until Hallowe'en, so I'll be able to really focus in and nail things down for the next month and a half, undo any damage done by last weekend and this coming weekend.

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Hunger: just had supper so I'm good
Body Image: awesome! Feeling really good about myself
General disposition: tired and a little sore but good
Song of the day: Bad Time by Grand Funk Railroad

TTYN 290's

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm in the 280's! SUPER EXCITING! I mean, this is thrilling. I'm on the closest cusp of being down twenty pounds since joining Weight Watchers, which also is awesome. I'm feeling good, and I am having no problem sticking to the program. Its a slow battle but it is one I am winning. I don't care in the slightest that I have one less point to eat each day as I often have trouble fitting in all my points as it is. ha ha ha

I am setting a mini-goal for myself to weight 265lbs by Christmas. I think I can do it. It is 14 weeks, so it would only mean ~1.6 pounds a week, which is reasonable. I am going to work my ass off to reach that goal. Initially my goal was to be 250lbs by May when my friend and I are planning to go to Cuba, but now I think I may be able to be even less, maybe closer to 240. But I don't want to think about that just yet. No, I am going to focus on my Christmas mini-goal. One step at a time. :)

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Hunger: not too bad for the first time in like a week

Body Image: pretty good!!

General disposition: EXCITED

Song of the day: Brighter by Paramore

don't have it in me tonight

Tomorrow is my weigh in day but I am simply too worn out and sore to go to the gym tonight. I feel badly skipping but I am very tired and my back is killing me. Plus I still have the endless hunger, which isn't really a gym deterrent but it is one more annoying body thing to contend with. I actually am thinking all this body nonsense is really brutal PMS but I guess I'll have to wait and see.

I did make a list of the reasons for and against going to the gym tonight:

REASONS TO GO

1. burn calories
2. earn more activity points
3. add more to my monthly goal of 700 minutes at the gym this month (currently at 475 minutes)
4. increase odds of having a good weigh in tomorrow
5. get tuckered out so maybe I'll sleep better
6. I'm going away this weekend so I won't be able to go to the gym friday or saturday (and probably will be too hung over sunday when I get back). 

REASONS TO SKIP

1. I'm exhausted and really don't feel like it
2. my bad foot is already sore and the work out is probably only going to keep it flared up for longer
3. I've gone 6 out of the past 8 days to the gym, earning 32 activity points, so missing today isn't exactly the end of the world
4. I failed my "Put your gym clothes on, get ready to go, and have your hand on the door knob" test. I have always said if I can get that far and STILL not be willing to go then I clearly reeeeeally don't want to go. (This is probably the second time that test has failed.)
5. My goal of 700 minutes of gym time is going to be surpassed easily because I am already way over half way and that is after being sick for the first week or so of the month. SO no worries there. 
6. I will definitely be going tomorrow (I weigh in at the gym so thursday is a guaranteed day)
7. Yes, I will be away for the weekend and while I won't be able to go to the gym I will be doing other types of activity.

The reasons to skip were enough. I may have a slightly less good weigh in tomorrow but a girl has to cut herself some slack from time to time.

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Hunger: fairly significant, even though I just ate
Body Image: okay
General disposition: bit grumpy, mostly just tired though
Song of the day: Town Called Malice by The Jam

endless hungerrrrrrrrr

Sweet merciful crap, I have been so starving the past couple of days. Normally I have to snarf something down at night because I have points left over. The past couple of days? Yeah, no, I've been so hungry that I am running out of my daily points and using some weekly points! Yes yes, I know, thats why they are there, blah blah, but this is a big change for me. Up until this point hunger really hasn't been a problem, even during my period. I have been trying to eat more filling foods, making sure I am getting protein, and not wasting points on treat things that won't fill me up. But still... I feel like I am a bottomless pit. It is more or less time for bed right now but I am so hungry that I am heating up some soup because I know if I don't eat something I will be awake with hunger pangs in no time.


The only difference this week has been the addition of weight training to my gym routine, but no way that is what is making such a huge difference, at least not this early in the game. I know that in time once I build up my muscle I will also increase my metabolism and then I will be hungrier but after a week? No, this is most likely a hormonal thing or just a random fluke. Whatever it is I hope it cools down soon. 

Off to go eat some soup and then go to bed. 

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Hunger: INSATIABLE AND UNBEARABLE

Body Image: meh, fine.

General disposition: weary but moderately content

Song of the day: I Want It All from High School Musical 3

Dear "Biggest Loser"; screw you!

So I am watching the tv show "Biggest Loser" for the first time. It is.... well, upsetting for lack of word. I'm watching these women weigh in and they weigh less than me. A lot less. What is even more... alarming I guess is that I used to weight as much and more than a bunch of the men on the show. I mean, it is great seeing the show, seeing them work hard and seeing it pay off, seeing their weight loss... But man... seeing these people weigh significantly less than me but in my eyes look as heavy as I think I look... I clearly have a very screwed up vision of how I look, as though I have a weird form of body dismorphic disorder.

I don't know, this has really kind of done a number on my head. I'm feeling very fat and gross now. I'm also having this insane "OH MY GOD GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" reaction to my fat, as though my fat is insects or something. Out of no where, after being okay with size for years and years, I suddenly am sickened by my weight. I want this weight off now and while I know I am getting it off and that I am doing it and I will get it off I am suddenly having this irrational need to have it gone immediately.

Short of hacking at my body with a sword, this weight is going to be with me for quite a while to come, so I guess I need to get over this. I'm going to hit the gym now, rock it hard and keep myself committed to this.

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Hunger: not hungry at all

Body Image: Pretty horrible now....

General disposition: a little glum

Song of the day: Running  by Grand Funk Railroad

Very good to hear!

So today began pretty terribly - I arrived to my office to find that the charger cable for my iPod had been stolen over night. Incredibly upsetting and infuriating. So at lunch I went and bought some hair dye (which always makes me feel better), and then went clothes shopping. Awesomely I had to go down a size in my tops, getting a 2x sweater! It looks great too. So the retail therapy helped a little but I was still pretty grumpy. UNTIL a coworker/friend of mine presented me with a poster from the tv show Supernatural!! AWESOME! MOOD FIXED! And then when I got home I found out I am able to park in the driveway for this week! Fantastic!

As if all that wasn't enough, while my downstairs neighbour and I were talking my landlord came by to pick tomatoes from the backyard. She hadn't seen me in probably over a year and she was really taken aback by my appearance. She told me that I look fantastic and asked what I had been doing. I told her that I've just been going to the gym a lot. And she said, "Well, keep it up! You look really great!" It was really nice to hear.
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Hunger: not terribly hungry but craving sweet
Body Image: pretty awesome
General disposition: a lot better than this morning
Song of the day: Hey Man Nice Shot by Filter

Definitely not complaining

I lost another 1.4lbs this week, which puts me juuuuuuuust over 290lbs (290.4 to be exact). I was fairly convinced that this week wasn't going to be a loss week because when I weighed myself on tuesday I was basically the same weight I was last week, but I guess you can vary a lot day to day. Next week I should be into the 280's which is an incredibly exciting prospect. I kind of can't remember the last time I was in the 280s. Years and years. I'm also really close to the 20lb lost mark. It'll be really great to hit that.

I also started back in to the weight training at the gym tonight. I have been meaning to start using the weight machines again for months but today since my foot is feeling pretty weak and sore I decided to cut a little off my time on the elliptical and add in the machines, which don't strain my foot. I am going to make a concerted effort to do the weight machines at least three times a week. I feel as though my lower body is doing well with all the intense cardio I do on the elliptical, but my upper body needs more. When/if I ever lose the pudge on my arms I'd like to think it will reveal some sort of muscle. ha ha ha


Also, I think I need to take tomorrow off from the gym. My bad foot is feeling pretty weak and sore, so instead of continuing to push it I am going to give it a day to rest. I'll go back Saturday though, and Sunday I have plans to go to the gym with a cousin who moved here recently. She is thinking of joining a gym and thinks that a gym buddy might be a good plan. Whatever. I'm already there so it doesn't really matter if she comes with me.

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Hunger: OVERWHELMING... okay, I'm exaggerating but I am hungry.

Body Image: Okay.

General disposition: excited!! (It is the season premiere of Supernatural tonight)

Song of the day: Sunshine of your Love by Cream

Feelin' good

Pardon my vanity, but I am feeling good today and I think I look good today.  I spent the time (ie. 25 minutes) this morning to flatten my otherwise curly hair and that alone does WONDERS for how I feel about myself. (I don't like my hair curly.) And then a shirt I wore that was snug on my stomach a few months ago was loose and flowy the way it should be. So that was a nice mini victory. Anyway, even when I put on my gym clothes and threw my hair up into pigtails I was still like "Huh! I still look pretty good!"... so I took a picture. ha ha. My eyes are kinda puffy and I need to dye my hair again but other than that I think I look pretty good.

Weigh in is tomorrow. It is going to be a low or possibly no loss week but I'm okay with that. This is going to be a long journey and I am ready for it. There are going to be weeks that I gain, stay the same, lose a tiny bit, and lose a lot, and I am prepared for all of them. :)

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Hunger: fairly significant. Have only eaten half my points for the day and it is 8pm. Time to get eating!

Body Image: very good!!

General disposition: Chipper

Song of the day: I Love Myself Today by Bif Naked

The exhibition is cramping my style

Just got home from a weekend visiting my parents. Had a pretty good time, dad reacted quite a lot to my appearance in that I have noticeably lost weight. I ate a lot more meat than I am used to over the weekend though so I am eager to get back at the gym (especially now that I am sans fever and finally feeling healthy again). HOWEVER the stupid Fredericton Exhibition (aka. Frex) is in town and is directly across the street from where I live and also shares a parking lot with my gym. (The picture is what I see out my kitchen window.) So the gym is closed today (and yesterday). Also, for the rest of the week I have the unending joy of having to walk by the ferris wheels and food vendors and all that nonsense to get to the gym. Awwwwesome. :(

anyway, since it is closed and I am tired I am instead going to take a nap. Shame on me, I know, but whatever. I will make up for it at the gym the rest of this week.

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Hunger: just had lovely fresh haddock so definitely not hungry

Body Image: moderately good.

General disposition: tired but happy

Song of the day: Baby it's fact by Hello Goodbye

5% of my goal down

Despite feeling like walking death I dragged my pathetic self to the gym tonight. I did so mostly so that I could weight myself. I anticiapated it would be a rather brutal weigh in as I hadn't been to the gym since saturday (again, I've been sick) but by some magic I managed to lose 2.6lbs this week. (My graph looks a little weird and skewed since I changed my weigh in day, but you get the idea...) Frankly I think that is more due to my having no appetite due to my fever and sickness and maybe not eating enough. I had a few points left over for the past couple of days (I know I know, bad girl) but I just haven't be well or even wanting to think about eating. I certainly haven't been hungry or feeling deprived. I really feel like I've had the stuffing taken out of me from all of this, seriously. Anyway, that is why I probably lost so much despite no gym time, but if I had felt up to going to the gym I probably would have also felt inclined to eat more.... Anyway, I have recognised the problem and made an effort to eat more (ie. all my daily points) and have done just that today. Of course now I feel over full and kind of gross but there ya go.

BUT this week's loss has earned me my 5% milestone! Fairly exciting. I know it really isn't all that much and that there is a whole lot left facing me to lose, but 5% feels good. It also brings me over the 15 lbs lost mark as well, which is pretty encouraging as well. Weight Watchers clearly works for me. I am such a structure driven person, and having a clear and set number of points to eat each day really plays into that perfectly. So basically I am feeling encouraged. It'll be nice to say goodbye to the 290's and it is possible that could be next week. :)

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Hunger: Uggggh dear god I am too full right now!

Body Image: not bad at all

General disposition: very tired and not feel well still, but happier

Song of the day: Me + Yr Daughter by Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

under the weather

I had possibly the most frustrating doctor's appointment ever yesterday. None of the four things I was getting checked out came back with good news. It was like getting four knuckle punches to the neck, though I am willing to admit my fever could be making things seem more horrible than they would otherwise. But still, give me at least ONE piece of good news!!

The most important one (my bad foot) was the most frustrating of all. The x-rays I had 2 months ago apparently didn't show much of anything that will help diagnose the issues with it, and on top of that she had no clue when my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon will be because the wait list is exremely long. So I get to keep being hindered by my foot for who knows how long, get to keep having to restrict my workout because my foot hurts so much, get to keep limping every morning, get to keep having it be so weak that I turn it out badly every couple of months. Effing fantastic.

Also, I am sick and have been put on antibiotics, so between the infection and the antibiotics I have been feeling totally wiped and sick and haven't gone to the gym since saturday... Ugh. I feel gross in so many ways I can hardly count them. And *if* I feel well enough to go to the gym tomorrow (which frankly is doubtful because I came home from work sick today and slept for four and a half hours this afternoon) I don't think my weigh in is going to be nice simply because I haven't had nearly enough gym time.

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Hunger: non-existant, probably due to the fever

Body Image: gigantic and gross

General disposition: too tired and grungy to be happy

Song of the day: Where does the good go by Tegan and Sara