Surgery

I went to see the foot specialist today and she said I definitely need surgery. Everything I explained to her that I have been dealing with 100% confirms the damage I have, which is a torn ligament that holds the top of my foot together. In the xray there is a big gap between two bones and she said, "Do you see that gap? Yeah, that shouldn't be there. They should be snug up against each other. You've completely torn that ligament." So I need to have a plate and some screws put into my foot to correct it. It will give me a big scar running down the top of my foot, which I don't care overly about. It also will require me being in a cast for 6 weeks, and it is THAT point that is really upsetting me. Going to the gym, working out, building my fitness has become a huge part of my life and really important to me. I have made enormous strides in my health and I am terrified that I will lose all the ground I have gained. I am so scared that once the cast is off I won't get back at the gym and that I will gain all the weight I have lost back. I am just completely terrified.

I cried (obviously) when she said I need the surgery, but she was expecting it because I warned her the minute she walked in that I will probably cry at her one way or another. After leaving I drove back to work but just sort of sat in the parking lot and cried. I called my sister Leah and cried at her for about half an hour and she told me to just go home because I'm not going to be able to get any work done today. The minute someone asked me how the appointment went I would just start crying again. So I am home now, sad and with a cry headache.

I'll be an adult about this tomorrow. For now, I am going to be sad and cry and try to resist the urge to binge eat.

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Hunger: too sad to eat
Body Image: not great
General disposition: very sad
Song of the day: Crying by Roy Orbison