New Years Eve and the new year looks great.

Current Weight: 264.0 lbs
Lost This Week: 1.0 lbs

First, I couldn't actually weigh in tonight because the gym is closed but I did weigh in last night and I was at 263.8lbs so in the name of "weight changes from day to day" I am putting it in as 264lbs, giving me a one pound loss. Not too bad considering it was the week with Christmas eve and Christmas day binges. So I'm happy to have lost over Christmas.

Secondly, it's New Years Eve! I'd say this past year has been a successful one, I've really been getting my life on track and I'm feel better than I have in years. Weight Watchers is certainly one of the most positive changes I've made in my life. I've also pushed myself even harder at the gym, made huge leaps in my fitness. There have been bad points in the year too, primarily the chronic issues with my foot and the surgery to correct them being cancelled. The surgery is happening in January so at least it will finally be done. But really, this year has been fantastic.

I am going to do something I have never done -- I am going to make some goals to achieve for the year. Nothing crazy or uncontrollable, but things that I believe I can achieve and should focus on.

• I want to have my foot surgery, have it repaired and finally have that behind me. Being able to do the workout that I feel I can do and want to do but not be able to because of the torn ligament in my foot and the pain it causes.... well, it is frustrating. So I eager to have it behind me. 
• I want to have lost 50 pounds by this time next year. I think that if I wasn't having my foot surgery that number would actually be too low a goal, but my weight loss is largely due to how active I am. After the surgery my gym time is going to take a major major hit, and even once the cast comes off I'm going  to be quite lame so that's going to slow things down a lot for quite a while. So I think 50lbs is doable considering the constraints.
•  I want to start running on the treadmill. Right now I can't due to my foot and the pain that sort of impact causes it, but I have been thinking for a while now that it is an activity I think I would really enjoy. So once my foot is healed, the cast is off, I've been able to go back to the gym for a little while and if a physiotherapist/doctor gives me the go-ahead, I really think I'd like to give running a shot. 

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Hunger: moderate, but I'm waiting for Tiff to arrive before I eat
Body Image: pretty good!
General disposition: pumped
Song of the day: Feelin' Good by Nina Simone

Gain? Maybe.

Well, today has been spectacular. Truly. I took today off work even though I got back home yesterday afternoon. I took it so that I could finally get some proper sleep and heaven help me I needed it. I went to bed around 11:30 and woke up at 10am and had an amazing night's sleep. My bed is lightyears better than the crap hard tiny one at my parents' house.  Taking today off also gave me the time to have a good gym session. Between the sleep and the gym I am now feeling so much better. However, I weighed myself this morning at the gym before my workout and it looks like I have definitely gained a little, about 2.5lbs. Not too bad, and since I don't weigh in until thursday so I am hoping to get it down around a pound gain.

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Hunger: nope
Body Image: okay, all things considered
General disposition: alright
Song of the day: Wishing Well by Bad Company

It begins anew.

So Christmas is basically done. Overall it was fun, though I am really sore and tired due to the fact that I had to sleep on a very hard twin bed here at my parents' house. I hate that bed. A lot. Horrible bed aside, I feel like over all I was successful over Christmas weightloss wise. I kept active, going to the gym 5 times last week, and stayed totally on point except for the 24th and 25th. I never intended to stay strict those days so I'm calling the holiday a win over all. If, on the off chance, I have a gain this week when I weigh in on thursday it shouldn't be much so I'm contented.

Also, I got a lot of comments on my weight loss on the 24th and 25th. People are really impressed and proud of me, which was something I really wanted to hear. Maybe even needed to hear. I have a long ways to go yet, but I still feel like it is something I can do. And now that Christmas is done I am anxious to get back into my normal pattern and controlled eating habits, get back to my normal gym routine.

Anyway, I basically just want to go home now. I'm tired and cranky and just want to be back in my own apartment, in my own bed, and with some time alone. I love my family and all that stuff but I am worn out. I have a vacation day for the year still remaining and I was considering taking New Years Eve off, but since Tiff won't be arriving that night until ~9pm and since I am so worn out now, I actually think I'm going to take monday off work and just spend the day relaxing by myself at home.

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Hunger: just had lunch so I'm good.

Body Image: meh

General disposition: over tired, a little cranky

Song of the day: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

Screw the weigh in. I'm sure I'm fine.

Well, tomorrow is Christmas Eve and it is also my weigh in day. The scales here suck and are inaccurate so I don't quite know what I want to do in terms of weighing. I mostly want to just put in the same weight I had last week and then weigh properly next week. That way there won't be any inaccuracies or weird fluctuations. Yeah, I think that is what I'll do.

That said I have been very active this week. I have gone to the gym three of the four days I have been home, and have done really good workouts so I think I should probably be fine weight wise this week even though I have also eaten a fair bit. I'm just not that concerned I guess, because as it stands I have 39.5 activity points left for the week and my points reset tomorrow. The plan is also for my sister and I to go to the gym tomorrow too, so that'll help get next week off to a good start, trying to offset Christmas Eve food and Christmas Day dinner. But again, I'm not overly concerned. Even if I had a bit of a gain this week I have quite a high level of confidence come next week's weigh in I will still be down. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I guess we'll see.

Time for a nap with my warm warm cat now. I have to be up really late tonight picking my eldest sister up from the airport so I need to rest now.

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Hunger: I'm full
Body Image: not great, actually
General disposition: tired and cold
Song of the day: Ramble On by Led Zeppelin

So far so anti-climactic.

Well, I don't know what I was expecting but so far other than one aunt people haven't said anything about my weight loss. It is forty five freekin' pounds people... feel free to at least say there is something different about me because I KNOW you see a difference. Even the awkward, "Uh, have you lost weight?" comment would be welcome. But no reaction? That's just annoying. I know I know, I shouldn't need external validation that what I am doing is working and that I should be proud of it on my own, internal motivation and all that crap.... but I really hoped my family would comment. I swear to mercy, when my sister Leah arrives tomorrow she better make a little bit of a fuss. I deserve that much. ha ha ha

Anyway, lack of acknowledgement or not, tomorrow I am going on a quest to identify which gym around here will give me a few day passes for cheap that also has good facilities. And then, of course, I intend to go to said gym and get in a good workout tomorrow. I think that'll be good, though I don't think it is overly necessary. So far I have stayed totally on track food wise and still have around forty points (between my weekly points and my activity points) at my disposal. It isn't about the points though, but more about keeping the routine and also giving myself time away from the family chaos.

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Hunger: nada
Body Image: alright
General disposition: fairly indifferent, kinda tired
Song of the day: Riu Riu Chu by Sixpence None The Richer

Christmas Goal Achieved... now all I have to do is survive Christmas

Current Weight: 265.0 lbs
Lost This Week: 2.8 lbs

Awesome loss this week! Okay, so it is a little too much, and this is my second greater-than-two-pounds loss week in a row, but hell yeah! I am now at 265lbs and that feels awesome. I reached my Christmas goal a week early, which is fantastic. I was wondering if it was a bit of a lofty goal, but clearly not. This also brings me to a little over 10lbs to lose before my surgery and that is feeling very doable. I have 6 weeks, after all, and even with the Christmas break I think that is reachable.

Speaking of going, I am heading home for the holidays on Saturday. Most of my relatives haven't seen me in months, some not since the summer before I joined Weight Watchers. I've lost almost 45lbs in that time and gained an enormous amount of muscle (so it looks like I have lost more than 45lbs), and while most people know I've been losing weight, it is one thing to hear it and something entirely different to see it. In a shallow way, I am excited to see people's reactions. What I really would like is at least one exclamation of "Holy Shit!" when they see me. Ha ha ha! I also hope to keep losing over Christmas holidays, or at the very least stay the same. I actually feel like I can probably keep losing. I'm not going to drive myself nuts by it, but I am going to do my best. Weighing myself while home is going to be a bit touchy since my parents' scale is ancient and not very accurate, but at least it will give me a ballpark.


It also just occurred to my that I am only 8 pounds away from hitting the 50lbs mark. Holy hell. I'm so amazed and impressed at how well Weight Watchers works and how easy it is to follow. It truly is no effort  at all anymore for me and I am getting amazing results. This really is just something that works if you want it to. I'm so glad I gave it a shot. :)

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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: kick ass!
General disposition: Proud and excited... and Christmasy
Song of the day: What Christmas Means To Me by Hanson

It seems impossible but it is true.

Just now it struck me how much I have changed, and not in terms of my eating (which has changed tremendously as well). No, I am referring to my activity level. Not that long ago I was intensely sedentary and inactive. I had a thousand excuses for why I didn't need to move, why I couldn't do something, why it was better or more important to stay sitting on my butt. I am sincerely embarrassed when I think about it, but then I think about where I am now.... I am a completely different person now. I go to the gym most days, and I push myself really hard. I have gone from totally inactive to working out extremely hard, increasing the difficulty constantly, and pushing myself to the breaking point. The change is so dramatic that I don't think anyone who knew me back them would have ever believed it would be possible. 


Tonight was an amazing example. I had done my usual cardio workout on the elliptical and was starting into my three minute cool down when I thought to myself, "I think I can keep going...." and so I did. I did an extra ten minutes just because I didn't feel exerted enough. So now, rather than looking for excuses not to exercise, I am finding reasons to push harder and to keep going. When I finally finished I felt amazing, both physically and psychologically. I literally thought to myself how going to the gym and working out like that has become better than sex (and how that was really strange).


Anyway, I guess my point is that if I could talk to myself before all this I would tell myself that as impossible and insane as it feels, exercise can become the thing you most look forward to in your day, that the gym can become your refuge, your place to release, the source of a huge amount of positivity in your life. I don't know if past-me would have listened or believed, but it is something today-me would try very very hard to convince past-me of.


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Hunger: Moderately high
Body Image: very positive
General disposition: awed
Song of the day: Cosmic Girl by Jamiroquai

I want to eaaaaaat

Oh. My. God.

I don't know why, don't know what the trigger is, but I am feeling incredibly ravenous. I want to eat absolutely everything, but I already used all my weekly points. I honestly am feeling suffocated by cravings for bad-for-me stuff, but mostly I just have an urge to eat non stop. It is annoying. I'm going to go to the gym soon, work in some activity points and maybe at least work up an appetite to justify my desire to eat everything a little. I sadly need to go to the grocery store due to a complete lack of food. The lack of food is a good thing because it means I can't binge eat like I want but it also means I have no food for a proper meal when I need to actually eat.Going grocery shopping whilst bingey isn't going to be fun.

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Hunger: Not hungry but I want to eat everything
Body Image: who cares! Just let me eat!
General disposition: ravenous!
Song of the day: Eat It by Weird Al Yankovick

FOURTY POUNDS LOST! WHEEEE!

Current Weight: 267.8 lbs
Lost This Week: 3.0 lbs

Awwwww yeah! I have officially lost 40lbs since joining Weight Watchers! HELL YES! And I'm out of the 270s!! FREG YEAH! Plus, I had a big loss this week of 3lbs, which makes up for some pretty mediocre losses lately. I feel great about this milestone. It is extremely gratifying and I feel very proud and motivated to keep going. I mean, any plan that allows me to eat a whack of brie and cured salami over the weekend and still lose 3lbs is fine by me. ha ha


The three pound loss gets me super close to my goal of 265lbs before Christmas. I have only 2.8 pounds left and 2 weeks to do it. Definitely doable. Plus my goal of losing 15 before my surgery is looking good too. 12 more pounds to lose and 7 weeks to do it in feels fairly doable. It would feel so good to be in the 250's before my surgery. So so good. So we'll see. 
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Hunger: Pretty high, but I haven't had supper yet so that is reasonable
Body Image: not bad. Not bad at all.
General disposition: Extremely accomplished
Song of the day: Celebrity Status by Marinas Trench

Stupid coat

Yup, my coat is way too big and makes me look way bigger than I am. Boo. Stupid coat.
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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: Blorpy and gross
General disposition: nostaligic
Song of the day: For Your Entertainment - Adam Lambert

But, it's cold outside! I want to wear my coat!

I'm irritated. Why? Well, it has finally gotten too cold for my denim jacket, even with one of my 17 scarves (I love scarves.). Admitting defeat, I hauled out my winter coats this weekend and both are insanely too big. I mean, yes, it makes sense. I have lost a significant amount of weight and even more inches since last winter (I was losing before I joined WW) so obviously the coats are going to be too big. But still.... My parka is so oversized that I could fit two people in it with me. I am seriously swimming in fabric. I feel like a 5 year old wearing my dad's jacket or something. Extra insulting is that while you wouldn't necessarily think it, all the extra room makes it way less cozy and warm and it is now downright drafty!

More tragic than my drafty parka is that my lovely dressier coat (shown in the above photo taken the day I bought it) is literally hanging off me. When I first got it I had to move the buttons so that it would be looser. Actually you can even see in this picture that it is so tight it was pulling at the buttons. Now, however, I don't think I can move the buttons enough to make it fit because they'll be across the pocket!! GRR! I love(d) that coat! It does NOT look good anymore. Boo hiss.

Now, the temptation is to go out and buy a new winter coat but I just don't have the money and frankly I rather expect that come next year I will have lost enough weight to need a new coat all over again. So instead I am going to suffer with my dumpy-looking oversized winter coats for this year and next year get a proper new one that fits and that I love. That will be my reward for looking dumpy this winter.

So let this be a warning to you all -- weight loss, while awesome and gratifying, can wreak havoc on your outerwear options.

also, what the hell is up with my hair in that picture?! I almost recommend clicking on the picture to see the full size, just so that you can really get the full scope of how ridiculous my hair is. Seriously, what the freg was I thinking? Could my face look rounder and fatter?? Lord Almighty. I can haz fashion sense? Thank heavens I have tidied up my appearance since then. LOL

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Hunger: perfectly fine

Body Image: pretty good

General disposition: irritated

Song of the day: Baby It's Cold Outside - Dean Martin

Don't look my weight?

Okay so the whole surgery cancellation this is a massive pain in my ass but it has lead to my discovering something strange -- apparently I really don't look my weight. When I was speaking to my father about how my surgery was cancelled I said something along the lines of "How could this have happened? By simply looking at me you can see that I am way over 200lbs." His reply was that no, it wasn't a given anymore and that he frankly assumed that my current weight was around 200lbs. As a doctor I thought he would have been able to estimate weight better! But then when I was speaking with my sister, who is extremely fit and very into fitness in general, and was commening on how off the mark dad was and her reply was "Well, I guess I would have assumed the same thing! I wouldn't have necessarily guessed you were over 200lbs."

I know that I am very muscular and that while I have lost a lot of weight and LOT of inches I have also gained a lot of muscle mass over the past year or so, therefore I knew that I don't look like the full 270lbs that I weigh. However, I thought it was like a 20lb threshold, not a 70lb one. I honestly can't believe that I look anywhere near 200lbs. I just don't. Muscle or not, I still have a giant ass and thighs. LOL

Also, for what it is worth, I didn't disclose to my father my actual weight. It isn't his business, and it just isn't worth the sad and uncomfortable comments he would no doubt make about how he couldn't believe I had ever been as high a weight as I was. However, my incredulity over him thinking I was near 200lbs probably tipped him off to how wrong he was. ha ha ha
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Hunger: not too bad.
Body Image: alright, though my sweater is a little short so I am very aware of my stomach
General disposition: just okay
Song of the day: Nothing Is Too Wonderful To Be True - Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Original Broadway Cast

Who knew not having surgery would be so disruptive!

Current Weight: 270.8 lbs
Lost This Week: 0.4 lbs


So, my surgery was cancelled and has to be rescheduled. Why? The short answer is because I am too fat. The long answer is that despite my having written my weight down correctly on every form, and despite the fact that simply LOOKING at me you can tell I am overweight, I was somehow scheduled for surgery at the Oromocto hospital, when in actuality they don’t do surgery for overweight/obese people at that hospital because of the increased risk of breathing problems and complications. They do them at the Fredericton hospital where they can have two anaesthesiologists and there is an available ICU if there are complications. Now, the admitting form I filled out TWO MONTHS AGO had my weight written on it, clearly and correctly, so right there it should be been scheduled for Fredericton. And then at my pre-op last week it should have been picked up again. Hell, they should have clued in when I showed up yesterday morning, but instead they let me spend a couple hours there, and even got me to the point where I was in the freeking gown and scrubbing my foot for surgery before I was told that it was cancelled. Seriously. The anaesthesiologist and surgeon were very apologetic but irritated as well, as it is wasted time for them and apparently I am not the only person this has happened to recently. The Fredericton hospital was immediately called by the anesthesiologist to complain.

None of this is my fault, I did everything that was asked of me, went to every appointment, fulfilled every requirement, filled out every form, and was honest and accurate with all my provided information. It never should have gotten so far. If it had to be rescheduled it should have been caught at three different checkpoints. This also had the effect of costing me a whole sick day from work which I now won’t have whenever the bloody surgery actually happens, which isn’t a minor thing, not to mention the gas money and time from all the driving mom and I had to do, plus all the hassle of moving all my things BACK to Fredericton last night. I suspended my life for this, and for it not to come through is not just irritating, it is disruptive and has a lot of additional consequences. This whole thing is a massive slap in the face. Obviously I’m not telling everyone the real reason why it was cancelled as it is ridiculous and embarrassing. I've only told my family and my closest friends.

Oh, and to top all this off, I got my new surgery date and it isn't for TWO MONTHS, which means I will be in a cast for my birthday and I won't be able to go to Cuba this spring as I have been planning for over a year. Awesome. I am on the cancellation list, so if someone can't make their surgery I hopefully will be able to get it done earlier, but it isn't likely.

Anyway, I had a pretty crap weigh in this week. I had been running under the assumption that I would be recovering and not eating much so I kind of ate a lot last week, plus all the running around I had to do for the surgery meant that I didn't get to the gym much. I only lost 0.4lbs. I'm totally locking my diet down until my surgery though. My new goal is to lose 15lbs before the surgery. I have 2 months so I feel it is totally possible, and it would put me at 255lbs, which would be spectacular. So fingers crossed.

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Hunger: I'm good

Body Image: pretty good

General disposition: very very irate

Song of the day: Wild by Grand Funk Railroad

So close... so close....

Current Weight: 271.2 lbs
Lost This Week: 1.6 lbs

Crap. I really wanted to be in the 260s before my surgery (which is tuesday). I'm so close but nope. I think I may still sort of pretend that I am and not eat that extra point every day, especially since I am going to be so ragingly inactive for the next couple months. I'm not going to have my usual 30+ activity points to fall back on.

HOWEVER, I may not have gotten into the 260s I have lost almost 40 pounds since joining weight watchers, which is pretty darned good. I have good momentum, and even though I'm going to be in a cast for the next couple months I am feeling more confident that I won't gain during my recovery. I also am super thankful that I have lost that much weight and increased my fitness level as much as I have before the surgery. I think all of this is going to be so much easier because I am that much lighter.

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Hunger: Pretty high
Body Image: moderately good
General disposition: happy but frustrated
Song of the day: Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus (shut up.. it is catchy...)

Pre-Op Appointments suck.

I had a long day today. First, my pre-op appointment for my surgery next week wasn't at all what I expected. I expected to be asked questions like what my weight is, what medication I am on, etc. I was actually a little excited for it because I wanted to be able to say my new lower weight. No. It ended up being and ECG and I had to lay on a bed, my shirt and bra up, my breasts fully exposed, while an attracted male nurse put sticker thingies all over my chest, breasts, and weirdly on my ankles. And then he told me to be relaxed and I'm thinking, "How in the name of all things holy am I going to be calm and relaxed with my taa-taas hanging out in front of you?!" Basically it was awkward so I got uncomfortable and when I am uncomfortable I start babbling and so I started babbling about my boobs. Sweet jesus. I just made it so much more awkward.

Anyway, so there was that.Luckily I had a massage scheduled for right after work. My back was full of knots so she really worked to get them out. I feel sore but a lot better. After my massage I went to supper with some friends from out of town, and that was nice.

The thing is, though, is that for some reason I want to do nothing apart from eat. I had a good supper, totally enough food, but I still want to eat. My period is just finishing so maybe it has something to do with that, I don't know. I just know I feel a little gross and blorpy and hungry and worried about thursday's weigh in.

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Hunger: I'm not hungry but I really want to eat!
Body Image: moderate
General disposition: confused
Song of the day: Slow by Kylie Minogue

Feel so different!

It really hit me this morning how changed I am, both physically and mentally. Well, first of all I looked at my pictures I took last night at a Dead Celebrity dress up party I was at and I was really taken aback at how good I looked. I know that sounds vain, but it was more about my size than anything.

I hardly look like myself in this picture, or at least the myself that I used to be. I spent some time this morning looking back at some old pictures, some from only a year or so ago, and the transformation is fantastic. I also don't think I look like I weight 270lbs in this picture either, though that is more lucky angle I think.

So that was good, but then this morning I went to breakfast with my parents (who were in town for a retirement party last night) and they both were really taken with my appearance. I looked like hell (a little hung over from the night before, no make up on, my hair looked terrible) and normally I would have gotten some comments on that, but all they could say was how much I've lost and how different I look. Also, during breakfast, I was full after only half my breakfast so I stopped eating and they were really impressed by that, as it is a pretty huge change in behaviour for me. I know they are really proud of me, and I am proud of me too. I have a long ways to go, but I'm doing it and it is working.

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Hunger: moderate (haven't had lunch yet)
Body Image: pretty great
General disposition: proud
Song of the day: Force of Nature by Lenka

35lbs down! Whahoooo!

Current Weight: 272.8 lbs
Lost This Week: 4.1 lbs

Kiiiick ass. Not only did I lose all the weight I gained last week from being in Campbellton, but I also lost an additional pound. This week's loss now brings me to just over 35lbs lost since joining WW, which I think is pretty fantastic. YAY! I still say it was totally worth it to totally go wild that week. I'm not going to hit 265lbs before my surgery (which is in 10 days) but I should be close to 270, which isn't bad, thank you very much. And again I'm still hoping just not to gain while I have my cast on. Fingers crossed.

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Hunger: moderately high
Body Image: not bad... not bad at all....
General disposition: accomplished
Song of the day: Down South Jukin' by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Holy hell, I needed that!

I just got back from the gym and freeeeeg do I feel better. First I weighed myself before my workout and I have already lost almost all of the 2.8 pounds I gained last week so I am feeling so much more confident about this week's weigh in on Thursday. Then I had a totally ass kicking workout. My foot wasn't a problem at all, I got a great rush of endorphins and I sweat what feels like 2 litres worth off. My knee caps are even sweaty. ha ha Anyway, I had a really great workout is my point and I feel insanely better and so much more.. well, confident. Confident in my ability to get through the surgery not have it totally derail me.

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Hunger: a little hungry but mostly thirsty
Body Image: better than this morning! ha ha
General disposition: pumped, motivated, energized
Song of the day: Back On The Road Again by REO Speedwagon

push push push push...

Man oh man, I'm finding it hard. I'm finding it so hard to get back on track after last week. The eating isn't really the problem, it is activity. I'm feeling so lazy and unmotivated to go to the gym. I went Friday but could only do 20 minutes of cardio because my foot crapped out. I still did my strength training but I feel like it was a pretty lame workout. And then yesterday I kept meaning to go to the gym but the afternoon was taken up by phone calls with my sister and going out Christmas shopping. By the time I finally got my ass in gear and got ready to go I realized that it was late and that the gym wasn't going to be open for much longer so I didn't go. Gah. I just feel fairly gross and out of shape, even though it has only been a week since I have had a good workout and it is making me all kinds of worried for how it will be after my surgery (which is only two weeks away). I'm going to be inactive for months and I think it is going to be all kinds of hard getting back to the gym once I am finally able to.

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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: not great. not great at all.
General disposition: frustrated and unmotivated
Song of the day: Artificial Energy by The Byrds

Definitely deserved this gain

Current Weight: 277.0 lbs
Lost This Week: GAINED 2.8 lbs

So my weekend awesomeness earned me a 2.8lb gain. I am honestly shocked it wasn't more. I was fully expecting to have at least 5lbs gain so 2.8 isn't so bad. I basically am back to where I was 2 weeks ago, back to 277lbs. I am still below my 10% and I am still down over 30lbs so I'm not too upset. I still say it was worth it.

The only issue now is that that my cravings for salt and grease are intense and I am still feeling bloaty and gross. I am trying to drink lots and lots of water and eat carefully and not give in to the cravings. I expect to be able to offset the damage soon, hopefully maybe even next week. Fingers crossed anyhow.

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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: not great. Feeling bloaty and blorpy
General disposition: tired
Song of the day:

Oh dear

Well, I am back from an insanely fantastic vacation visiting my friend/cousin Tiffany. Over the past five days we talked, laughed and got into trouble as well (as got new tattoos), and gross amounts of food and alcohol went along with that. We drank Saturday (oh, did we drink!), ate McDonalds and Stuffed crust pizza sunday, ate donairs on monday, and drank AND ate ridiculous stuff (ie. grilled cheese sadwiches with fried eggs and bacon... ugh) on monday.

Did I point anything the past few days? Nope. Not a thing... Nor am I going to. I think my thoughts are this: I am going in for surgery in two and a half weeks and it is going to be a massively difficult time for me. I'm not going to be able to go out, hang out with my friends, do any of the things I usually do socially. I am also going to have to lock down my eating so much because I won't be able to do my normal gym routine. I think I took this weekend to be a sort of last hurrah and I threw caution to the wind. I definitely over did it and I am going to be paying the cost tomorrow at WI but I knew what I was doing while I did it and really, I think it was worth it. Before I left I was feeling incredibly scared and depressed over the prospect of my surgery, knowing how deeply it is going to affect my life. Now I feel much more at peace with it, as though all the challenges facing me are at least a little more tolerable and manageable. Strange that a weekend of over indulgence and debauchery can have that affect but it did. :)
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Hunger: Dear god, no thank you
Body Image: um, alright.
General disposition: very happy
Song of the day: Oh My Gosh by Basement Jaxx

Good weigh in but losing too fast

Current Weight: 274.2 lbs
Lost This Week: 2.7 lbs

Had a really good weigh in today, losing 2.7 lbs. Fairly unexpected as I ate over 70 points on saturday (damn you brie and alcohol!!). The thing is, in the past two weeks I have lost almost 7 lbs. That is kind of intense. I mean, sure, the week before last I was down only .2 of a pound, but 7 in the past two weeks is a little much. I don't know what more to do - I ate almost all points last week, with only a couple activity points left, so it isn't like I can eat all that much more. My workout has been a little more intense the past couple weeks, really pushing myself on the elliptical and I have really upped my strength training, so I'm thinking maybe my metabolism has ramped up.

However, the rather high losses the past two weeks means that I am a lot closer to my Christmas goal of 265lbs. I have only 9.2 pounds to go to reach that, which I at the rate I have been going may even be doable before my surgery. That would be fantastic and that is what I am shooting for but if I don't reach it, oh well. It would just be nice to be in the 260's before my surgery.

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Hunger: quite high as I am waiting for my salmon to finish cooking....
Body Image: really good
General disposition: happy
Song of the day: Dues by Grand Funk Railroad

Hello size 20 and goodbye mobility

I finally went pant shopping yesterday. My work pants are literally hanging off my ass like a diaper or something. I had been putting off buy new ones as long as possible because I'm cheap and don't want to have to buy new clothes constantly. Anyway, I went and holy hell I had to buy size 20!! It was probably second year university  since I last wore a size 20 so, like, 8 years ago. Very exciting. So I bought new work pants and a new pair of jeans (which make my ass look awesome if I do say so myself) to celebrate my new size in pants. hahahaha

In unrelated news, I finally got a date for my surgery and it is just 4 weeks away!! On December 1st I will finally have my foot operated on to correct the ligament that has been torn and causing me daily pain for over 2 years. The pictures there to the left shows where my damage is -- I tore the ligament that holds those bones together so rather than them being snug they have a big space between them. Not exactly a minor injury.

Anyway I cried a little when the woman called to tell me the scheduling date. I think I had somehow convinced myself (again) that I didn't need the surgery and that the doctor was going to discover something that made it so that I didn't need it. Getting it scheduled has made it a lot more real and scary.Having the surgery looming makes getting my weight down as much as possible before hand really important. Also, I really need to establish a game plan for keeping my weight from packing back on while I have a cast for a couple of months. I know I am going to have to lock down my eating in a very very serious way. I won't be able to get to the gym for months, and even once I AM allowed to go back to the gym it will be a long time before I can do a good cardio workout like I am used to now.

So that is my task for the weeks to come - get ahead as much as possible prior to the surgery, and get a plan to keep my weight under control during recovery.

------------
Hunger: just had supper so I'm actually quite full.
Body Image: KICK ASSSSSS
General disposition: Happy and scared
Song of the day: Damn Girl by the All-American Rejects

Hallowe'en indulgences...

Freg I had an amazing time last night. Really amazing. I love Hallowe'en always, it is probably my favourite holiday, but last night was just fun. Laura and I hung out all day and then went to the Grad house for the night. It was packed, people had really creative and hilarious costumes (one guy came as the second ammendment), and I just enjoy that group of people so much. So much more my scene than the usual skanky bar scene. I also feel like I was looking great last night. The weightloss is really showing and I am feeling really good these days. It is funny how much more flirting I am getting from people, especially last night. While I really haven't minded being single it is feeling like a way different experience lately. More people are seeing me and hitting on me and it feels good. I've never really had self confidence issues, I've always felt attractive and confident, but for the first time in a long time I seem to be getting a fair bit of external confirmation..

That said, I did overindulge yesterday. I ate a small planet worth of brie and meat yesterday, and of course there was lots of alcohol consumed over the course of the evening. I hope that it won't screw me over too much on thursday when I weigh in.

------------
Hunger: none
Body Image: pretty fantastic
General disposition: very happy
Song of the day: Sexbomb by Mousse T

10% and 30lbs down!

If ever there was a occasion that warranted an epic rock kick, this is it. Yes, today I reached my 10% and am officially down over 30lbs. I am effing pumped. Okay, so I lost a little too much this week (4lbs) but after last week's .2 of a pound I figure it is part last week and part this week's loss. Frankly, all I care about is that I am down below 280 and am in the 270s. This is spectacular. I feel great, I am looking great, I am really proud, and I feel sure that I will succeed.

------------
Hunger: Moderately high
Body Image: kick ass
General disposition: freekin' accomplished
Song of the day: Good Thing by Reel Big Fish

unable to binge....

Sweet Merciful Crap. So today sucked. Due to suffering a disrupted sleep due to nightmares all last night, I was way over tired and feeling grungy all day. I also was incredibly hungry all day, even though I ate what I eat every day at work. I decided that tonight I was going to skip the gym and give into my craving and make a giant plate of pasta and eat it all, guilt free. Well, I made the pasta, long with some meatballs made from extra lean ground turkey. I pointed for all the pasta but after about a third of it I was totally full. Gimme a break! I mean, yes, it is good that my stomach has clearly shrank enough to make me not able to binge eat but I really just wanted to eat the thing I have been craving for weeks.

Well, at least my cat Rhubarb enjoys that I didn't eat it all.

------------
Hunger: uuuuuuuuugh too full!!!
Body Image: one word -- "Blorp"
General disposition: groady
Song of the day: Find My Way by Gabe Dixon Band

NOT ENOUGH PROFANITY IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

Here is the situation. Yesterday's weigh in sucked, with only .2 of a pound lost. It was frustrating but fine. BUT! Then I weighed myself tonight before my work out and I am down THREE MOTHER EFFING POUNDS from yesterday! (I'm at 277.2lbs.) And this is after a heavy lunch out with co-workers today! I am super frustrated. If today's weigh in counted then I would be officially down over 30lbs since joining WW, I would get my 10%, and I would be out of the 280s. But no. Instead I get a fregging 0.2lb change. There just aren't enough swear words. 

------------
Hunger: moderate
Body Image: fairly good
General disposition: Frustrated!!!
Song of the day: Scream by Michael Jackson (feat. Janet Jackson)

Super Lame Loss

Yeah, so down 0.2 of a pound. What the freg. Okay, so this week was my period, which never bodes well. And last week I weighed myself AFTER my work out so the loss was probably skewed, and this week I went back to weighing before the work out so the reality is that I probably lost more than that and that last week's was less than what the scale read. The temptation is to adjust last week's measurement so that this week's is more accurate but whats the point! I weigh what I weigh this week, it is what it is. I did, however, check my measurements and I am definitely down a fair bit that way. So I have seen losses this week, just not much weight wise.

I'm so effing close to being out of the 280s so I guess I have that to look forward to next week (hopefully)!! And you know, any loss is better than staying the same or a gain, so I guess it could be worse. :)

------------

Hunger: fairly high... waiting for my salmon to cook!

Body Image: meh

General disposition: excited for the weekend

Song of the day: A Must To Avoid by  Herman's Hermits

The Wendy Plan?

 So I was just on the WW boards and someone posted about suffering a major plateau and people were posting suggestions. One person's suggestion was using the Wendy Plan. I had never heard about it before so I searched and read about it and it seems to make sense. Basically you vary the amount of points you use each day, one day in the middle of the week being a lot higher, and that way your body doesn't adjust to eating less and it keeps burning calories at a higher rate. Again, I feel like this makes sense, plus it confirms what I have found personally. I weigh on Tuesdays and the week when I blow all/most of my weekly points on the weekend are when I have the biggest losses. (So maybe I'm not as screwed as I think for eating all that I did this saturday...) I think I am going to try to keep to this plan. I mean, I have more or less being doing it by accident most weeks, but I think I am going to be a little more deliberate and conscious of it.

------------
Hunger: Just had lunch so I am good for now but I have been STARVING today
Body Image: Pretty good today!
General disposition: Chipper
Song of the day: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! by ABBA

Peeking is bad and Hallowe'en

First, I peeked at my weight tonight at the gym. Why do I do that to myself?! Every bloody week I peek on monday and it is never what I want to see. It is always a bad number. PLUS this week I've had my monthly visitor so I'm a little blorpy and what not which clearly isn't going to help. I've been drinking piles of water today but you never know how it is going to play out. I really need to stop peeking though. Nothing good comes of it.

In other news, I am getting my Hallowe'en costume ready. My costume is going to be "A Heavenly Body" or "The Night Sky". Basically I am going to spend the next week sewing on sequence all over my vinyl bustier (don't ask why I have one) and black pants, the sequence being stars. I am going try to put some of them in proper constellations too. And now tonight I am going to make a black tutu and have stars/sequences all through that. PLUS I have slinky black material with metallic stars and moons that I am going to lace into the tutu, saving some to tie into my hair that night. At the moment, though I just have 10 metres of black crinoline and a container of sequence staring at me. However, I think the costume is going to be spectacular and that vinyl top looks pretty kick ass these days. I'm pumped.


EDIT: Tutu done! Yay!

Now to sew on the sequence.... *sigh*
------------
Hunger: non-existant. Just had supper so I'm good.
Body Image: moderate. Not negative but not feeling super amazing
General disposition: mischievous
Song of the day: Wake Up by Sliimy

Anyone missing a planet? Because I think I ate one yesterday.

So my "genius" plan this week was to try to eat all my WP this weekend and to try to eat some of my AP later this week. Well, I ate them, almost all yesterday. Jesus H. That damned delicious market food burned basically all of my WP, just like that. Last time I was a the market I bought the same thing and sectioned it off, eating some saturday and some sunday. Well, yesterday I ate it all. I'm considering it a small victory that I did eat a little bit at a time, having it last all day, but in the end I ate it all which kinda sucks. PLUS I ate a massive pile of popcorn. Ugh.All told, I ate 59 points yesterday, which is disgusting. I feel gross. So why do I think it happened? Firstly, I was way too hungry when I went to the market. By the time I got back from the market it had been over 12 hours since I had eaten. Going to the market that hungry meant I ended up buying more brie then I usually would, as well as the fregging popcorn as well. And the fact that I am having my period is no doubt not helping. I feel like I want to eat everything. I also feel gross and bloated too, which isn't pleasant.

So basically now I am trying to muster up the urge to go to the gym this afternoon. I think if I go I will feel better, especially since I kind of half assed it yesterday at the gym. A good, intense work out will help make me feel less gross about eating that much yesterday, plus it will help undo some of that damage.

------------
Hunger: Not hungry but craving everything today
Body Image: um, not so good.
General disposition: frustrated
Song of the day: I Stay Away by Alice in Chains

25 (plus some) pounds down!

Well, this week was good for weight loss, even though I was worried. I'm down 2.6 lbs this week, which puts me over the 25 pound mark since joining WW. My weight loss graph is looking so pretty and downward! LOL!

It sort of makes up for the weight I didn't lose last week. This also makes me feel a lot better about weight training. I'm visibly gaining muscle and as much as I know it is good and means my metabolism is going to kick up it is still a little frustrating knowing you're losing fat but gaining muscle weight at the same time. Anyway, the point is that I am still losing while gaining the muscle and that kicks ass. I am, however, going to try eating more of my activity points next week. I have a little concern I'm not eating quite enough.

This also means that I am a lot closer to my Christmas goal. I still hope to be at 265lbs at Christmas and now I only have 16.2 lbs left. I have 10 weeks until then so I still think it is attainable. Fingers crossed!

------------

Hunger: I need supper so I am pretty hungry

Body Image: moderately good

General disposition: happy

Song of the day: I'm Into Something Good by Herman's Hermits

BMI is utter crap

For some reason (I forget why) I decided to check what my BMI was before I started losing weight and what it is now. Then I checked my BMI at my goal weight (180), but apparently I would still be considered obese at that weight. Now, let me explain why that is bull shit. First, I know that much less than 180-170 and I would look weird. That just isn't the size my body is supposed to be. To expect to be 130lbs would be ridiculous and I am positive I would not look the way I looked at that weight.

Secondly, the BMI scale doesn't take into account conxtex or body type. I, despite being morbidly obese at the moment have the body type that gains muscle very quickly and easily and am happiest when I am being very active. Even now, at just over 280lbs, I rack in hours a week at the gym and average ~8 activity points a day. I frankly most likely am predominantly a mesomorph, even though it would be hard to tell or even suspect it with my current weight being what it is. My father, though, is fairly convinced of it after seeing the results after only a month and a half of weight training, with visible muscle bulking up and definition of my shoulders, arms, and back, even through the fat.

So, this all means that I am predisposed to being more muscular, broad, and a little stockier. I'm simply going to be packed a little more densely into my frame, if you know what I mean, so I am probably going to look lighter than I actually am by a fairly significant margin. Even now I don't believe I look like I weigh 280lbs. I just don't, and mostly due to the fact that a lot of that weight is dense heavy muscle.  I'm 280lbs but I wear a size 20 pants. I can't be sure but I somehow don't think that is necessarily the normal size for someone my weight. The physical results of my weight loss are a little skewed as well.  Even though I have lost only about 55 lbs since last year my father, who is a physician and knows weight and weight loss, believes it to be closer to 70-80 lbs that I have lost. I may have lost that much fat, but I have gained an immense amount of muscle at the same time so the scale doesn't show the same results.

So my point is that BMI doesn't take into account body type or muscular build at all, and thus is total bunk in my opinion. I'm just going to toss any BMI references I come across and go along my merry way. For me I have two goals:

1. weigh below 200lbs
2. be physically healthy and fit

And even then, #2 is much more important than #1. I think the goal really needs to be health and physical fitness. As long as I keep going to the gym and working out I am going to be someone who is fairly muscled and my weight is always going to be a touch higher because of it, and so what! If I feel good and look good then all is well in my world.

So suck it, BMI. You can take your stupid no-context numbers and cram it where the sun don't shine.

------------

Hunger: nada

Body Image: awesome earlier, but a little "ugh" right now

General disposition: frustrated

Song of the day: Bodies by Drowning Pool

Pretty much the best thing you can hear at a gym

So tonight at the gym I was doing my normal routine. I finished my cardio and was working on the weight machines and a woman I have seen but never spoken to before came up to me and said:

"I just wanted to tell you - I'm a trainer here I've noticed how long you've been coming here and how often you come. I see how hard you work and I just wanted to tell you you're doing great and it is really noticeable. Don't worry, I don't say this to everyone, but I really think this is something you need to hear."

She didn't give me her name, she didn't try to sign me up for training or anything. It really seems like she was sincere and it was truly a very good moment for me. As much as I know I am down about 55lbs since I started a little over a year ago and have changed my appearance rather dramatically, it is really amazing to have have a total stranger tell me they have noticed. It also bares mentioning that yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner my family was really taken aback by my appearance. Some of them hadn't seen me since the spring and they were really impressed.

I guess the weight I have lost really is noticeable. :)

------------
Hunger: moderate
Body Image: pretty awesome
General disposition: very very pleased
Song of the day: Thank You by Alanis Morisette

What else am I supposed to do with my old fat pants?

8 hours

6 pairs of old jeans that are now way too big

140 blocks

1 broken needle

miles of thread

...

ONE AWESOME QUILT!

So this Thanksgiving I had an unscheduled day at my parents' place so I decided to bring home all my old jeans that are worn out on the thighs and now too big and decided to make them into a quilt. I've been saving old jeans for a while now, so I had six pairs to work with. I mean, the denim is fine apart from the thighs where I have worn holes through from friction (haha) and it seemed a waste to just throw them out. Anyway, I brought them home and took over an hour cutting them into as many six inch squares as I could squeeze out of a pair as I could. My mother sews a lot so thankfully she had a roatary cutter and whatnot which made the process a lot easier and faster. Also, I had this to look at while I worked...

Hard to not enjoy even the most tedious task when you have a sunset over the atlantic ocean to watch. Anyway, ages later I had 140 blocks cut. I was surprised that was all I got out of six pairs of size 24 jeans but I avoided the bits with seams and what not because it would be too thick to sew through. The solid blocks look a lot tidier as well. Anyway, six pairs of jeans = 140 blocks, and a GIANT pile of scraps...

Looking at my pile of blocks I noticed that there was a lot of colour differences between the different pairs of jeans I used so I thought it would be nice to make some sort of a pattern out of the colours. I actually planned it out on my computer first, trying out different colour patterns with the blocks that I had. In the end the diagonal gradient looked by far the best. So after that I had to sew all the blocks... blar. It took hours. So I laid them out on the floor in the pattern that I would be sewing them in and then started sewing each individual row. And even though it took hours sewing each row and the chair mom has at her sewing machine made my back ache like nobody's business, it was again hard to be too grumpy because I got to watch the sunset on the ocean out the window that way as well. :)

After all the rows were sewed I had to press the rows, then sew the rows together. This got kind of unwieldy pretty quickly because it was being sewn into one big unit.

In the end it was worth the hard work and it turned out great. :)

It isn't huge, but all I wanted it for was a lap quilt for my living room. I assume I will be using this quilt after my surgery when I am recovering. Help me to remember that just because I recovering from surgery and lamed up for a few weeks doesn't mean I get to eat like an idiot and put weight back on! ;)

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Hunger: quite intense actually. Really need a snack or something
Body Image: Pretty good!
General disposition: ACCOMPLISHED
Song of the day: Rudy by Supertramp

Uninspiring Weight In

So, not much of a loss this week. Only 0.8lbs, and I frankly think that is an exaggeration. I weighed after my work out so I probably would have had a stay-the-same week if I had weighed before. This week has been so strange points wise and I feel like I should or could have lost a lot more than what I did. Why? Well...

1.  I accumulated 35 activity points but only ate 5.5 of them, so I don't think I ate enough. This may contradict other reasons to come....
2. Rather than eating all my weekly points over the weekend I spread them out over the week.
3.  I also had a heavy meal for lunch yesterday while at a work seminar. 
4. Today's lunch was heavy as well as it was the thanksgiving meal at work and it is tradition that we go. 
5. I also haven't drank nearly enough water so I feel a little bloaty and gross. 

I'd like to think that next week, when I get back to how I normally eat and spend my points, I will see a bigger loss to make up for the weight I didn't lose this week, but I am doubtful. It is thanksgiving after all, and as much as I know I won't eat myself silly like I probably would have before I still will be eating more heavily than I would like.

In a very general way, not just in my weight loss, I feel like I have lost my mojo. Hopefully it is a short term thing and I snap out of it soon. Maybe I'm just getting sick or something.

------------
Hunger: moderate. I have a couple points left so I may have a snack before bed.
Body Image: moderately good
General disposition: vaguely gloomy
Song of the day: Face Up by Lights

Something isn't right...

1. I feel very dark and twisty. Something in my mood is majorly off kilter. I was fine all yesterday, had a totally kick ass workout at the gym, and then last night when I climbed into bed my head went to all the epic hurtles facing me in regards to my impending surgery and I got very upset and worried. Because of that I didn't sleep well at all and in the morning when my alarm went off I smacked what I thought was my alarm clock to make it snooze. It wasn't my alarm clock. It was my cat Rhubarb. Needless to say I have had a cranky cat today. And then tonight it turns out my Thanksgiving plans got all shifted about so it went to a nice gourmet dinner (that I would be able to order smartly at) out with just my parents and some good visit time with my friend/cousin Tiffany to having a whole extended family giant dinner prepared by my aunt who I am very hurt and angry with at the moment (long story) and Tiff isn't coming home now. I am very disappointed. Being over tired and already kind of emotionally worn thin that set me off a bit so when I called my parents to confirm this change had been made I ended up having an argument with my father. Awesome. I am so looking forward to this weekend now. (That was sarcasm, btw.)

2. I don't think I have eaten enough this week. It isn't that I have been hungry, but just that I haven't eaten enough to account for all the activity I have done. I have done four really good, intense workouts at the gym with a fifth probably coming tomorrow and I have eaten good healthy foods all week, lots of water and veggies, but when I sneaked a peek at my weight tonight I was the exact same weight as last week's weigh in. I think the problem comes from my not eating all my weekly points and none of my activity points. Behold my weekly chart:

As it stands right now I have 45.5 points available to me, plus tomorrow's daily points which brings me to 78.5 points I could, in theory, eat tomorrow... Not going to happen, believe me, but I think I shouldn't be left with such a pile of points left at the end of the week. Pretty much every other week I finish off my weekly points over the weekend, usually because of alcohol, but this week I haven't so I think thats the problem. Last week I consumed all my weekly points and all but 7 of my activity points and lost 2lbs. Doesn't look like I'll have that this week. Sucks, because I really could have used the emotional boost.

I guess the one benefit to having the giant gross turkey dinner is that I'll definitely use up all my points. :(

------------
Hunger: not really hungry but thinking I should probably eat something
Body Image: very blah
General disposition: pretty dark
Song of the day: Shake Your Foundations by AC\DC

Oie Vey

I don't know what the freg is up with today but I am suddenly feeling sad and like I want to eat EVERYTHING. I don't get it. I was fine and then POOF! Sad and aching for a binge eat. I'm not going to because what is that going to accomplish? but I want to. It is so strange. I think what happened is that my parents and I were talking on the phone this morning about my foot surgery and they kind of but the fear of God in me regarding how long I will have to be out of work, getting around on crutches, recovery time, etc. Everything they said was totally valid but it has stressed me out and now I am feeling emotional, thus triggering my desire to eat.

I know logically I should just go to the gym and work it out there, but it is rainy and cold and leaving my apartment isn't very attractive. Ugh, maybe I should just suck it up and go. I mean, I am not going to snap out of this funk by schelping around my apartment for the day. I have been telling myself that I am going to clean/organize my bedroom as it is at a Chernobyl-like state of messiness at the moment, but I just don't see it happening today. Much more likely is that I will tucked into my bed, wrapped in my duvet and cuddled in with my cat Rhubarb, and end up sleeping the day away. And then, since I slept all day I won't be able to sleep tonight which means I will have a crap day at work tomorrow and then be too tired to go to the gym tomorrow night... God that is a depressing series of events.

I really should just go to the gym.


EDIT: Okay, so I ended up in bed for a nap but my cousin/friend Tiff ended up calling right when I was falling asleep. We ended up talking for a bit and she basically told me to suck it up, get out of bed, and go shopping or something to make myself feel better. So I went shopping. I feel a lot better. Where size 24 used to be tight, size 22 fits a little lose now. And where size 3x used to be a bit clingy, size 2x fits perfectly. Such a nice change. So reaffirming. So I bought two sweaters, a blouse, a bra and a pair of jeans, all for under 200$. :)

------------
Hunger: Ugh, it's complicated
Body Image: meh
General disposition: oddly sad
Song of the day: Overload by Zappacosta

My face, it slims.

I just got a facebook message from my Aunt commenting on how I'm doing great on my weightloss and that my current facebook profile picture really shows how much I have lost off of my face. My first reaction was "Meh, lucky angle, thats all" but then I decided to look back and see if I could find a picture with my face in the same position to compare. Well I did....

The top one was taken just before I started WeightWatchers, just three months ago. The bottom one was taken just a couple of days ago. I have since dyed my hair back to my natural colour, obviously, but I think the weight loss in my face is pretty clear and frankly exciting.

I also think it is pretty effing hilarious I had my face in the exact same position. LOL

------------

Hunger: Nada

Body Image: A lot better after seeing this

General disposition: Chipper

Song of the day: Shooting Star by Bad Company

I have FINALLY learned!

I have FINALLY learned my lesson from this horrible experience. I went to the market this morning, for the first time in a month, and before I left I told myself I would only get a small wedge of Rougette brie and just enough Mettwurst salami to eat with it. Well, after pushing my way past all the outdoor food vendors and the delicious smells of sausages, spring rolls, samosas and donairs I was feeling even hungrier. While I remained vigilant against the food vendors I did end up buy two hunks of brie (Rougette and a peppercorn brie) and half a pound of the Mettwurst. Arriving back home, my delicious treasures in hand and hungrier than ever, I normally would have felt inclined to just plonk the meat and cheese down on a plate and dig in. But no! Instead I carefully weighed out four ounces of the meat and five ounces of the cheese to eat today and put away the rest for tomorrow. And even then I only had about half of that and complimented it with a delicious salad for lunch! I still have half of today's portion left, sitting in the fridge, which is a seriously major victory. You have no idea. And I still have lots left to enjoy tomorrow too.

Here's the thing - my slowly developing ability to resist things isn't willpower, it is logic. Before I always approached food like the brie and meat as forbidden, naughty, and eating it was some sort of blaspheme. I'm not seeing it that way anymore, and that is so key. I am letting myself eat whatever the hell I want, nothing is totally forbidden or 'bad', so I don't have to justify eating things. There is no guilt or shame, no need to hide it from others, no need to eat a lot of it because it is a treat and I won't get it again for ages. Buying these things today at first felt forbidden and dangerous but driving home I sort of realized that no, I can eat delicious brie and savoury salami and not feel guilty. I am going to point for them, still going to eat veggies and other things today to keep things balanced, going to go to the gym this afternoon... why the hell would I feel badly about a little meat and cheese? It also just makes sense to eat a bit at a time so that the delicious experience is extended and so that I don't make myself ill. So because I removed the forbidden nature of them I didn't feel the need to horf down all of it. Instead I enjoyed and savoured what I have had so far, leaving lots left for later tonight and tomorrow. I don't feel sick or over filled, which would have made me sluggish and lazy all day. Instead I feel satisfied and content and ready to hit the gym and then tackle my chores for the day.

------------

Hunger: just pleasantly satisfied

Body Image: fairly good

General disposition: relaxed and happy

Song of the day: Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi

Down down down ... and no booze

Despite drinking a truly obscene amount of rum last weekend I still lost 1.8lbs this week. Kick ass! I'm starting to think that as perhaps, counter inutitive as it is, in order for me to lose I need to eat all my WP and some of my AP. Last week, for example, I ate all my WP and of the 22 AP I earned I only had 7 left over, yet I lost almost 2lbs. I've been losing ~2lbs consistently for the past four or five weeks, which is great. Still waiting on a plateau to hit but for now I'm riding this wave happily. I'm also losing a little more weight a week than I anticipated so it is altogether possible that I will reach my Christmas goal of 265lbs before Christmas! Basically right now my plan is to try to get my weight down as much as I can and my fitness up as much as I can before I have my surgery. Hopping around on crutches isn't going to be made any easier with extra weight!

Talking to a friend of mine today I mentioned how I'm not going to drink all this month. He made some wiseass crack like "Yeah, right!" so I replied with "Wanna bet?" And so we did. The bet is that if I drink at all before Hallowe'en then I lose and I have to tell him who told me (allegedly incorrectly) that he is a closet smoker, something he has wanted to know for the better part of a month. I've not told him because it has been very amusing having him guess every day. Anyway, I have to tell him if I drink before the 31st. HOWEVER, if I succeed then he has to wear an earring in his ear for an entire work day. He has it pierced from back in the 80s when it was "cool" for men to have it pierced, and while he hasn't worn an earring in it since then it still absolutely cracks me up. If you knew him it would crack you up too, believe me. Anyway, thats the bet. We drew up three pages of terms and conditions of the bet, signed it, and had another co-worker witness it. He is an awesome guy, hilarious and totally a good sport, so I know he will totally do it when I win.

And finally, I am still being incredibly vain about my hair cut. I effing LOVE it. So one last picture of my kick ass new bangs and I won't inflict my vanity on to this blog again... at least for a while. LOL

Man I love these bangs...... so awesome.....

okay I'm done.

------------

Hunger: a little over full frankly from the epic supper I just had

Body Image: frankly awesome

General disposition: very happy

Song of the day: Damn You Look Good (And I'm Drunk) by Cobra Starship

Choppy choppy and now I feel better

Okay, so yesterday was a rough day for me. I swear I became dehydrated from crying. LOL The big shocker was that I did NOT binge eat and stayed within my WW points for the day. I really really wanted to eat everything I saw, order in a pizza, eat it, and then probably find something else to eat but I didn't. I had the realization that all eating like that would accomplish would be to make me feel unwell and later feel even worse come thursday's weigh in. I also had a couple moments of "Why the eff did I choose this month to not drink alcohol?" but again I didn't indulge. I just sort of decided that my time of consuming things to deal with emotional upheavals is over. So instead I cried, watched Supernatural with Jourdan, and went to bed early.

As much as a victory not stress eating was I still needed an outlet for my stress. Well, I am a stress cutter, but not in the sense that you think. When I am stressed out I cut (or dye) my hair. For whatever reason it totally makes me feel better and whatever funk I am completely evaporates. Three years ago I went from long brown hair to short pixie platinum blonde hair because I was stressed out over moving. ha ha ha Anyway, clearly my foot surgery situation is darking me out so today at lunch I went and got my hair cut. IT LOOKS FABULOUS!!!

Modesty be damned, I look great with bangs! Who knew! It is a big change but I am extremely happy with it. Anyway, I feel completely brand new and while my impending surgery is not fantastic it feels much more manageable now. It is all for the best. Short term pain, long term solution. :) Everything feels completely possible now. I can manage the foot surgery. I can lose the weight. I can win.

I am now going to take my fabulous hair and gimped up foot to the gym. :)
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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: AWESOME
General disposition: Optimistic
Song of the day: Smoke and Mirrors by Paloma Faith

Surgery

I went to see the foot specialist today and she said I definitely need surgery. Everything I explained to her that I have been dealing with 100% confirms the damage I have, which is a torn ligament that holds the top of my foot together. In the xray there is a big gap between two bones and she said, "Do you see that gap? Yeah, that shouldn't be there. They should be snug up against each other. You've completely torn that ligament." So I need to have a plate and some screws put into my foot to correct it. It will give me a big scar running down the top of my foot, which I don't care overly about. It also will require me being in a cast for 6 weeks, and it is THAT point that is really upsetting me. Going to the gym, working out, building my fitness has become a huge part of my life and really important to me. I have made enormous strides in my health and I am terrified that I will lose all the ground I have gained. I am so scared that once the cast is off I won't get back at the gym and that I will gain all the weight I have lost back. I am just completely terrified.

I cried (obviously) when she said I need the surgery, but she was expecting it because I warned her the minute she walked in that I will probably cry at her one way or another. After leaving I drove back to work but just sort of sat in the parking lot and cried. I called my sister Leah and cried at her for about half an hour and she told me to just go home because I'm not going to be able to get any work done today. The minute someone asked me how the appointment went I would just start crying again. So I am home now, sad and with a cry headache.

I'll be an adult about this tomorrow. For now, I am going to be sad and cry and try to resist the urge to binge eat.

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Hunger: too sad to eat
Body Image: not great
General disposition: very sad
Song of the day: Crying by Roy Orbison