Off track

I'm feeling dire and totally off track. My eating is not at all as controlled as it should be and was. I have been gaining and losing the same 8 pounds over and over again. Last week I didn't gain or lose anything, which is almost worse... I don't know if it is stress or what, but I am not being as careful as I normally am or as successful and it is only making me more and more stressed. I'll go a few days with being totally on track and then something will happen - a weekend, a big stress, something good, something bad... it doesn't seem to matter what - and then I will eat like an idiot again. I don't even bother pointing because I know it is horrible and that I am way off track with no hope of recovery. Likely that is part of the problem, the lack of accountability. I usually am so strict about pointing and tracking everything, but for those days when I give up (for lack of a better term) I just pretend the tracker doesn't exist.

Clearly I need a new game plan. I need a plan of attack that will allow me to refocus and start losing again.

1. I am going back to basics. Tracking EVERYTHING, even on the bad days, and measuring everything. 
2. I am not going to allow one bad day to derail a whole week.
3. I am going to try to identify WHY I am feeling like I need to over eat at those bad times in the hopes of trying to stop doing it. 
4. I am going to utilize this blog at those times in the hopes that it gives me a clearer view.
5. I am going to make sure I go to the gym at least 4 days a week. (I haven't been having trouble with this, but I want to make sure I keep it up). 

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Hunger: Cravings are high...
Body Image: Not good at all
General disposition: discouraged and helpless
Song of the day: I Try by Macy Gray

Loss and sadness

Current Weight: 245.8lbs
Lost this week: 4lbs

Thank god I got that gain from last week corrected. All week I just kept focusing how undoing that rather epic damage, and thankfully I was able to. Now I'm just aiming to get into the 230s before Canada day weekend. I'm also feeling very determined to reach my goal lately, but it isn't for a good reason. One of my cousins has been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that has spread to her liver, abdomen, and ribcage. It is absolutely catastrophic and I am really really sad for her. She has three young daughters, one of whom is just a couple months old, and all she is thinking about is the effect her cancer is going to have on them. The fact that my cousin is only 39, has lived an exceptionally healthy life, always ate right and was very active, and STILL has been hit this way makes me selfishly very scared for myself. Unlike her I did everything WRONG for twenty seven years and even though I am taking care of myself now I still worry about what damage I have done... So I am focusing hard on my health now, trying to reduce my risks as much as I can.

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Hunger: high, though it is due to stress I'd say
Body Image: pretty good
General disposition: alright, all things considered
Song of the day: Bang My Head by Lena

Growl

Weight Lost This Week: GAINED 4lbs
Current Weight: 249.8

Okay, so I expected a gain this week because Tiff and I hung out this past weekend and ate like idiots but 4lbs is ridiculous. Seriously, what the hell. And as it turns out I was down to 248.0 the day after my weigh in, so really I should only be up about 2lbs, which makes a lot more sense. Plus, I'm having my period so that never bodes well for my weight. Anyway, this four pound gain is intensely annoying because I know it isn't accurate, but there is nothing to be done. It just means I'll have a big loss week next week. :)

In other news, my awesome work outs at the gym have resulted in a major spike in my metabolism and hunger levels. I cannot seem to get full, regardless of what I eat. On one hand it is great because it means that my body is getting built back up to where it was pre-surgery and my work outs are paying off. On the other hand I am starving all the time, I'm waking up hungry every morning. Oh well.
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Hunger: INTENSE
Body Image: fairly good
General disposition: thankful but sleepy
Song of the day: Rock of Ages by Def Leppard

Back on track

Current Weight: 244.6lbs
Lost this week: 3lbs

I am really feeling like everything is back on track. I got some really excellent work outs in this week and clearly they paid off. Three pounds is a little bit too much to lose in one week, but I'm not really complaining. What I AM going to complain about is the extreme fatigue I am suffering from at the moment, presumably from the antidepressants I'm taking. I'm always fairly low energy, but the past week has been crazy. I'm taking 3 hour long naps and then still sleeping through the night. It is a real struggle to get to the gym too, and I am yawning all through my workouts, which is kind of embarrassing actually. Luckily I have a doctor appointment next week so I'm hoping she'll have a solution. I suspect it will be to reduce my dosage, especially since I am feeling so much better emotionally now.

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Hunger: not very hungry but I've had INTENSE cravings
Body Image: not great actually. I feel ponchy
General disposition: Good but tired
Song of the day: Fortune Son by CCR

Closer to 200 than 300

Current Weight: 247.6lbs
Weight lost: 3lbs

As of this weigh in I am under 250lbs! I honestly can't remember the last time I have been under 250lbs, and this weigh in brings me past the 60lbs lost since joining Weight Watchers, which is a huge deal. I can't help but keep reminding myself of how far I have come and how crazy it is. I skipped last week's weigh in since I was moving and stressed and just didn't care, so this three pound loss is really two week's worth. But still, I feel like I am back on track, things are getting back under control for the first time since before the surgery.

In honour of this rather huge accomplishment I am setting a new mini goal for myself. I want to stay on track this summer so I am setting a goal of losing 25lbs over the next 4 months. Somewhat lofty goal maybe, but I am feeling good following the surgery, I'm back on track at the gym, and I am determined as hell. I really hope to be able to accomplish it.

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Hunger: Not too bad, though I have been having intense cravings lately
Body Image: pretty good!
General disposition: Excited but tired
Song of the day: The Times are a Changin' by Bob Dylan

One step forward....

Well, as of today I am put on antidepressants. The past four months have be intensely difficult for me emotionally, between the surgery and the withdrawal from the gym and the isolation and the flooding my apartment etc. A lot of bad things happened and for the first time in my life I have found myself unable to logic through them and find something good to grasp on to. I finally went to my doctor today and she has me on antidepressants for a while. I wish I didn't need them, but I don't want to be like this anymore either.

However, my cast is off now and my ability to do a proper workout at the gym is back and my GOD is that helping. I was able to do 50 minutes on the elliptical tonight without pain in my foot (something I could hardly do before the surgery) and while I have to do it at a slightly lower incline I am feeling so relieved to be heading back to where I was fitness wise.

And finally, I didn't post about my weigh in this past week because it was yet another pathetic weigh in (0.2 lbs) and it hardly felt worth it. I'm really hoping that this week is a good one. I could really use a solid loss.

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Hunger: not too bad actually
Body Image: not too good actually
General disposition: not too good actually
Song of the day: Thinkin' About Something by Hanson (shut up, it is a great song)

Curse you, unicorn shortbread cookies!

Current Weight: 250.8 lbs
Lost this week: -0.2 lbs

Fairly pathetic weigh in, eh? May as well have been a stay the same week, but I guess some loss is better than no loss. I know why it wasn't a better loss, too. First, I ate what felt like a lot of salt the past two days and was/am feeling fairly bloated and as though I was retaining water. However, I feel like the lackluster loss is more to do with what I consumed on the weekend while at Easter dinner with my cousin and her husband, namely a vat of rum and a bunch of cookies. Not just normal cookies. They were delicious shortbread unicorns with cream cheese icing. I made them because I wanted to contribute something to the meal since they were nice enough to have me over, and my GOD were they delicious. I ate a lot of them (we all did), they were so irresistible. The next day I looked at the few that were left over and I knew that in my hungover state I was going to eat them all... so I threw them out. Too little too late, though. I had already eaten a herd of them the night before. ha ha

Anyway, I know why this week wasn't fantastic, but I have confidence that this coming week is going to be a lot better. I am feeling stronger, I am enjoying the gym again, and I am quite optimistic that I'll have a solid loss this week. :)

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Hunger: pretty high actually
Body Image: quite positive. :)
General disposition: stressed out, but hopefully on the upswing
Song of the day: Motherless Child by Eric Clapton

Current Weight: 251.0 lbs
Lost this week: -5.6lbs

Turns out my worry about losing the weight I gained last week was totally unfounded. Seriously, I never thought I woul dhave been able to lose it all in one hit, let alone losing extra weight on top of it. Good to see that big loss though. It is encouraging, and I am on the cusp of getting into the 240s, which will be great. Somehow being closer to 200 than 300 (ie. below 250) makes everything seem a lot better.

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Hunger: not bad at all
Body Image: pretty great actually
General disposition: good
Song of the day: Get Out Of My Dreams And Into My Car by Billy Ocean

In it for the long haul

I'm starting to feel really optimistic about the results from my surgery. It has been 8+ weeks since I have had my foot hacked into, and it has been a long hard battle ever since then, between the isolation and the inability to go to the gym and the stress and discomfort from being in a cast... but last night I took my cast off and was walking (gingerly) with just my foot, no artifical support, and it struck me -- my foot hurts less now than it used to every day before I had the surgery. Don't get me wrong, it is still stiff and it feels strange when I flex in a way that puts pressure on my plate and screws, but in terms of pain it is better. It was a great realization, seeing that all of the hassle and pain and inconvenience of the surgery might actually have been worth it. And only 2 more weeks before I go to see the doctor again, hopefully resulting in my being cast free!

In other news, I was speaking with my sister yesterday and talking about how my foot is feeling pretty good and that I can't wait to be able to really get back at the gym again. I had been so worried before the surgery about maybe losing my momentum, losing the habit and desire to go to the gym, but I definitely haven't. All I can think about is getting back at it. She said, "You know, if you are two months having to take a break from the gym and you still are eager to get back at it then you are in it for life. That is fantastic!" and I think she is right! The six months prior to my surgery were amazing at the gym, I made tremendous strides, I pushed myself harder than I thought I could go, and I loved every second of it. I got to a place physically where I felt so good working out that it wasn't a chore or something I did grudingly, but instead it was one of the best parts of my day. Here is hoping that this surgery marks the beginning of a new phase of my life where there isn't anything holding me back anymore from achieving my goals. No more having to stop because my foot popped out or was too painful. No more having to limit myself to certain exercises to minimize the chance of hurting my foot. Once this cast is off and I get the go-ahead from my doctor I am going to throw myself headlong back into the gym and not look back. I can't wait!

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Hunger: if anything I'm too full

Body Image: not too shabby!

General disposition: weary but good

Song of the day: Entering White Cecilia by The New Pornographers

That was therapuetic

c

A friend of mine, Shannon, came to visit me today. She lives about an hour away so I don't see her very often, though we keep in pretty good contact online. She had a bunch of movies and tv shows I wanted, so she brought them up for me to snag. Since I've been packing for the move I went through all my clothes and piled all the clothes that don't fit me anymore. (The picture shows just some of the clothes I cleaned out!) I found it really therapeutic to clean out all those clothes. Every so often I would put on one of the items, just to remind myself of how much I've lost. It is crazy the difference, seriously. I have hardly any clothes left now, of course, and my closet is totally empty. The remaining clothes that fit would just about fit in one drawer of my dresser, but it feels really seeing only size 18 and XL-1X instead of size 24 and 3X-4X.

As it turns out Shannon is more or less the size I used to be so she was able to take basically all of them! It was great. A lot of them were still really nice and in really good condition, and a lot of them are really cute and fashionable. It feels good that someone will use and enjoy them. Honestly, as depressing it is to have hardly any clothes that fit, it feels great having those way-too-big clothes out of my house, and as happy as I am that she was able to go home with two giant garbage bags of clothes, I'm even happier that they don't fit me anymore. :)

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Hunger: if anything I am too full

Body Image: not too shabby

General disposition: relieved

Song of the day: The theme song to "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"

Yup, that's what I expected (and deserve)

Current Weight: 256.3lbs
Lost this week: GAINED 3.6lbs

Yeah, I deserve this gain. I ate like a moron last weekend, and 3.6lbs as a gain is totally deserved. At least it wasn't the six and a half pound gain that it was on tuesday. I guess drinking all the water and eating way healthier paid off to some degree. That said, I went in to the weekend expecting a gain, so it isn't like I am surprised or anything. It was a consequence I was prepared for, but that doesn't make it any smarter a decision especially since I can't kill it at the gym and get that weight off quickly. No, it will likely take a couple weeks to drop that weight, which is annoying but I'll do it. I'm going to the gym again and really focusing in on my strength training. If I can build my muscle mass back up then I will hopefully get some of my metabolism back, but really the important thing is getting my diet locked down, so that is my goal - get my eating totally under control.

Also, now that I am finally able to have proper weigh ins again, my weight graph is looking strange. Having that big break when I wasn't able to weigh in created a really weird looking patch in my graph. Oh well. At least it is overall a downward slope...

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Hunger: not bad, but definitely getting hungrier these days
Body Image: blah
General disposition: Resigned yet motivated
Song of the day: One Way Or Another by Blondie

Yeeeeeeesh

Made it to the gym tonight. It felt so necessary after this past weekend's binge. Seriously, what was I thinking. Anyway, my plan tonight was to give the recumbent bike a shot, see if my foot could handle it, and it turns out that it can (thank Jesus). I was able to do 25 minutes on the bike, and then did another 25 minutes of strength training. My foot is sore tonight, but it isn't a whole lot more sore than it always was after the gym before the surgery. Definitely manageable. However, I did a quick weigh in and it is NOT looking good at all. I can attribute some to the fact that I started my period today so there is probably some gain from that, but that definitely doesn't account for all of it. I am going to try to drink as much water as I can, trying to force out some of that water weight I am undoubtedly retaining. My foot is OBVIOUSLY totally locked down. Finally, working out at the gym is incredibly important for the next while as well. I don't think there is any way that this week's weigh in could be anything but disastrous, but I'm hoping that everything I do now will set me up for a better week next week.

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Hunger: Nada, but I am cold...

Body Image: Not good at all

General disposition: Determined

Song of the day: Air by Ben Folds Five

Gross, disgusting, and unpleasant

Another weekend with Tiffany, another intensely bingey weekend. The crap I ate... jesus. Before the weekend I decided that I was going to take a pass food wise this weekend, as per usual when Tiff and I hang out. I always weigh in with a significant gain after each weekend like that, but have been lucky to lose all the gain plus some the week after. And now that the fun weekend is over I feel appropriately disgusting, bloaty, and gross with the added fun of PMS compounding my physical misery. On top of ALL that is that it suddenly dawned on me that my metabolism is shit right now, I can't kill it at the gym for the next week to offset the food I ate this weekend, and I am probably going to be a small age losing the weight I undoubtedly gained this weekend. I feel like kicking myself. I am absolutely done with these binge weekends. It is a tradition that needs to be killed. It is unhealthy for both of us, and I always feel disgusting afterwards.

In somewhat related news, I think I am going to try doing the recumbent bike at the gym this week. Yes, I am still supposed to be wearing my cast all the time (which I really haven't been... hopefully that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass), but I absolutely need to get back into my gym routine and I need to get my cardio endurance built back up. My cast is way too big to wear on the bike so I think if I wear my small brace I should be good. It will keep my ankle locked in place and not bending, and if I use my heel (rather than the ball/toes of my foot) to propel the pedal it should be fine. Hopefully. I asked my parents (who are doctors) and they seemed to think that I can give it a try. If it hurts or is straining my foot I stop, but if it feels okay then I am good. Fingers crossed it works out tomorrow.

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Hunger: Oh dear god, seriously?

Body Image: Very very not pretty

General disposition: Crabby

Song of the day: Everybody Learns From Disaster by Dashboard Confessional

Surprising post-surgery weigh in!

Yesterday I finally got my cast off! Sadly I had to get a new one put on, but at least my new one cam come off when I'm sleeping and whatnot, so I am a lot more comfortable. PLUS I can finally shave my leg and (more to the point) weigh myself. Today I started back up at the gym and while I can't do any of the normal cardio I so enjoy I can work on the weight machines and build my upper body back up (now smaller from all the muscle loss). I also weighed myself for the first without a cast on since the surgery and I am down about 6lbs. It was more, but I have been trying to eat a lot more the past week or two to get my strength back up. Regardless, 6 lbs in seven weeks really isn't bad, though a lot of it is muscle mass. I'm not going to weigh in 'officially' until tomorrow, but at least I have a rough idea.

Now that I am going to the gym again I will surely stop losing and maybe even gain as my muscle mass builds back up, but at least my biggest fear of gaining weight from the surgery didn't happen. Now all I have to do stay the course and get my gym routine and eating totally back on track. That said, my friend/cousin Tiff is coming down this weekend and I expect to eat a lot.

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Hunger: nada

Body Image: pretty good

General disposition: surprised

Song of the day: Layla by Eric Clapton

Losing too much weight?

I am psychologically bottoming out. My lethargy and apathy is growing by the day, I feel weak and so completely not myself. Generally I'm not sad (though I have those days), but it is more simply not caring about anything, which isn't like me. I don't think it is depression, but rather withdrawal from my almost daily endorphin rush from going to the gym. It is a very real thing, developing a dependency on those chemicals, the rush and totally pleasurable feelings you get from killing it at the gym and pushing your body so hard. I feel so completely not myself, and truly it isn't the isolation that is making this so difficult for me. It is the withdrawal. 

Apart from the lethargy and the melancholy, I also am suffering a pretty significant loss of appetite. I'm having trouble eating enough simply because I'm having a mental block around eating when I'm not hungry so I'm frequently having up to 5 points left over at the end of the day I just don't get around to eating. I got harped at a bit this weekend that I need to eat more, and that since I have lost and am losing a significant amount of weight. I weighed myself over the weekend, and have lost a significant amount of weight, even with the cast on. My parents' scale read 245.8lbs, which I actually think can't be right. Regardless, I have been told I need to take a multivitamin with extra iron. Fine. I think the problem is being over stated, some of the weight I have lost since the surgery is muscle mass, but I will concede that I have also lost fat as well. My parents are worried I'm not feeding my body enough to be able to heal effectively from my surgery. I think I'm probably fine, that I am eating a sufficient amount, but I will do what I am supposed to and try eat more.

That said, my recovery is going okay, and I am going to try going back to work in my office tomorrow. It will be really nice to start moving towards a normal life again. However, I have been strongly suggested to call my surgeon because my foot turns a horrible colour when I stand up. It should not be discolouring this much a month after my surgery so I'm going to call her office and see if I should go back to the fracture clinic or what. 

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Hunger: not much lately

Body Image: fine

General disposition: melancholy 

Song of the day: Written In Reverse by Spoon

New plan to stay on track

I'm still concerned over staying on track while I recover from my surgery. It is hard, and I'm pretty sure it is only going to get harder. The longer I stay stuck in this apartment the more inclined I am to just eat and eat and eat, simply from boredom. However, I have found that watching Biggest Loser gives me a big influx of motivation. Back in September I never would have thought that I would like the show, let alone getting any sort of positive feelings from it, but seeing others struggle and fight and work so hard to lose the weight makes me want to stay the course. So I am watching the current season, and am currently obtaining a couple past seasons as well. Here's hoping that is the extra bit that I need to keep myself under control.

I really NEED that extra bit because I received a get well gift basket of candy from a frenemy. I was really excited at first and then it clicked in how brutal it was having them in my house when I am vulnerable like this. I haven't seen her in over a year, I don't think she knows that I am trying to lose weight, and the old me would have LOVED that basket. If she had known about the sort of paradigm shift I'm going through I doubt she would have sent the candy, but as it stands I now have delicious treats my name from the kitchen. It is like the Telltale Heart or something, them calling my name and haunting me in my own house. I should throw them out but that is so wasteful and I'm sure she spent a fair bit of money on it so instead I am keeping them, high up and hidden out of sight in the cupboard, and I hope they stay there until a time comes when I can eat them responsibly. (....so, never?)

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Hunger: None.
Body Image: Not great
General disposition: A bit gloomy today
Song of the day: Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy

Another week, another non-weigh-in... *sigh*

Well, it is thursday again and I can't weigh in... again. I'm still stuck in this stupid cast, still struggling. I'm still really minding not being able to go to the gym, I really miss being active. I knew it was going to be the hardest part of being the cast and guess what... I was right. I'm still worried about gaining a massive amount of weight back so I've been super careful with my points. Leaving the majority of my weekly points untouched is my only mode of attack. Hopefully it is enough...

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Hunger: nope
Body Image: not great
General disposition: a little glum
Song of the day: Run by Vampire Weekend

On track? I hope so.

First, this is my 100th post. Cool. :)

Second, my surgery recovery continues. The pain isn't much of an issue any more, but I still have trouble with my foot swelling and turning a horrible purple if I don't have it elevated so I'm spending my days sitting on my tush. Intensely boring. Since I'm being forced to be really inactive (my God I miss the gym) I have been incredibly careful with my eating. I'm trying hard to stay within my daily allowance and leave the bulk of my weekly points untouched. I hate that I can't weigh in! I have no idea how I am doing with my weight and I won't know until I get this stupid cast off. The best I can do is eat carefully and hope for the best.

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Hunger: not so much an issue
Body Image: Meh.
General disposition: bored
Song of the day: Walking on Broken Glass by Annie Lennox

Surgery sucks

So I'm supposed to weigh in today but that is obviously not going to happen because of my foot surgery. I mean, look at my x-ray.... those screws look HORRIFIC! LOL Anyway, this has been decidedly not fun and uncomfortable. I can get around on crutches fairly well but I'm not allowed to because every time I don't have my foot elevated it turns deep deep purple and hurts. I feel ugly and disgusting because I have to wear loose clothing to get over my cast, and my hair defies explanation it is so ridiculous. Blah. HOWEVER! I am back in my own apartment as of today, now trying to more or less fend for myself. This is an improvement over living at my parents' place, though it is going to be a little more boring and difficult.

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Hunger: nada
Body Image: not good at all
General disposition: Very despondent, frustrated, and helpless
Song of the day: I'm too frustrated to have one

50lbs down, Surgery done

Current Weight: 258.0lbs (which brings me to 50lbs lost!)

Lost this week: -1.8lbs

So I've hit the 50lb mark. Awesome. I didn't reach my pre-surgery goal but I came close, and really crossing the 50lb mark was nice enough. Plus a bunch of people at work on wednesday commented on my weight loss, which was really nice to hear on the cusp of my surgery. 

In other news, my surgery was yesterday and went well. Arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am, but didn't go in to the operating room until 8am. We got some funny pictures beforehand to try to distract me from panic I particularly enjoy this one where Amy looks really excited and I look absolutely depressed. LOL. I actually didn't cry and hyperventilate beforehand like I have every other time. The surgery itself went well apparently. The surgeon said the damage was exactly where she thought it was and put a few plates to fuse three bones together. She said that she could see where my foot was kind of misaligned and contorted from it trying to compensate for this damage for the past two and a half years. Also, turns out there was some arthritis in my foot too. Awesome.:(

There were some problems in recovery. I was in a lot of pain when I came to and hyperventilated. They gave me morphine but apparently I don't handle morphine well. My breathing got really shallow and kept sort of stopping, which caused this alarm thing to go off and a nurse telling me to take slow deep breaths. I would, in a couple minutes my oxygen levels would come back up, the alarms would turn off, but then the minute I started falling asleep or just didn't focus on my breathing it would happen again and I would stop breathing again. The recovery that was supposed to take an hour turned in to four hours, most of which spent with a nurse sitting beside my bed to remind me to breath every couple minutes. They gave me popsicles but I kept kind of nodding off with them in my hand, almost dropping them. They didn't let me go back to where mom and amy were waiting until I didn't make the alarm go off for 10 minutes. So basically we had to wait for the morphine to wear off.

Once I finally got back with mom she told me Amy had left to get some food and pick up a few things. Mom told me about the arthritis in my foot and for some reason that was it for me and I finally cried for the first time that day. Not too much, but I have been a bit teary ever since. Anyway, we called Amy and she came back. A nurse came and gave mom my prescription for pain killers but they were total overkill so we took it but immediately decided to not get it filled. I am NOT taking Oxycontin (which is what they prescribed). It is just more than I need and I'd rather manage my pain with something less addictive. Plus, my reaction to the Morphine has made me even more wary of big league painkillers.

So after an hour and a half I was basically okay and really just wanted to leave but we hadn't been told we were allowed to even get dressed or anything. I was seriously tired so had squinty kitten eyes but everytime a nurse or someone came near amy said, 'Heads up! Look alert!" so I would open my eyes really wide to make them think I was ready to go. LOL Amy took pictures...

Mom finally just got my clothes and helped me get dressed regardless of nurse permission and then flagged down a nurse to ask when I can leave. She said even though mom and Amy had spoken to the surgery, I had to talk to her too (which I wanted to do), but she was currently in surgery so I had to wait. Fair game. Luckily it was only another half hour or so. The surgeon said it went really well, and that I have to go back in 5 days (Feb 2nd) for her to check the incision and then put on my permanent cast. She then gave us the go-ahead to leave, and so I got loaded into the back seat of the Honda CRV with Amy driving, and mom driving Kevin home following behind us. After a quick stop at Dairy Queen so that I could eat something for the first time in 18 hours, we drove home on increasingly snowy roads (as we are having a snow storm right now.) I basically just passed out and slept in the back seat the whole way.

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Hunger: none

Body Image: Who cares? No me today.

General disposition: tired.

Song of the day: Don't Talk by Tegan and Sara

Eff you, 260s!

Current Weight: 259.8 lbs (HELL YES!)
Lost This Week: 2.0 lbs

I FINALLY made it in to the gym, after being sick with swine flu for a bloody week. I feel amazing after getting in a good workout. It is crazy how much I missed it this past week and it has made me acutely aware of how much I'm going to miss it while I am lamed up from my surgery. Having to wait that long to weigh in had a lovely side effect though -- I got to see a big loss with a new milestone! Yes, I am finally in the 250s! Fregging fantastic, that is what that is especially after after having a really lame 4 weeks earlier where I hardly lost any! I may not reach my goal of 15lbs lost before my surgery (which is in 3 days) but at least it looks very likely that I am going to cross the 50lb mark by then! About my weigh in.. I actually am weighed in as 259lbs even right now but since my normal weigh-in day is thursday I'm going to assume that I probably weighed closer to 259.8 on thursday. That would still make a 2lb loss, which is great. Unfortunately my daily point allowance didn't recalculate to lower number, despite being in a new weight 'decade'. Surprising how much that is annoying me. LOL

Now, here is my remaining problem -- I am busy the next two evenings (Tegan and Sara concert tomorrow night, massage Wednesday night) which means probably no gym either of those nights. They are my last opportunities to get to the gym before my surgery so I am considering going in in the morning tomorrow and wednesday. Ugh. Obviously getting up at an ungodly hour to go to the gym before work isn't something that interests me overly. However, these last couple days are all I have left to be able to go to the gym for a long time and I think that maybe I'll regret it if I don't. We'll see though.

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Hunger: I'm not
Body Image: pretty good!
General disposition: excited
Song of the day: Blue Monday '88 by New Order

This has been SUCH a buzz kill...

Today is the first day since Tuesday that I have felt remotely human. This has been the worst and longest flu I can remember having and apparently it may be H1N1. The constant fever and extreme exhaustion... yeah, it has sucked and being trapped in my apartment like this for the past 5 days has been really miserable. Five days of Dawson's Creek interspersed with four hour naps really gets old. But today I finally am feeling like I am on the mend.Unfortunately I'm still not well enough to go to the gym, nor will I be going tomorrow. This inability to go to the gym, where this is the last week before my surgery, has been supremely frustrating. I really wanted to get ahead before hand, so that is out the window. Plus I haven't been able to weigh myself, so I have no idea where my weight even sits. I've been staying within my daily points and trying not to eat many/any of my weekly points so hopefully my incredible inactivity and sickness doesn't screw me over. It's weird, I haven't been overly hungry, but because I've been bored I've been sorely tempted to go back to my old habits of eating for something to do. Worked hard to not give in to it but I'll have to see what the damage is next time I weigh in.

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Hunger: not overly hungry
Body Image: not great...
General disposition: frustrated and unwell
Song of the day: Living in a Box by Living in a Box

Horrible timing

I have the flu, and I have it bad. I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I'm so tired and feel like hell. I tried going to work yesterday, but had to come home and ended up sleeping for 4 hours in the afternoon and then still sleeping through the night. I thought I was feeling better today so I went to work but ended up having to come home again and slept all afternoon. Now I'm just trying to make it until it is a reasonable time to go to bed for the night. I already emailed my boss to let him know that I won't be in tomorrow.

Now, the problem regarding this flu is twofold. The minor one is that I'm not going to be able to weigh in tomorrow because I sure as hell will not be going to the gym (which is where the scale is). I also haven't been to the gym in days due to this flu so I'm not convinced that it is going to be a great weigh in regardless. The much more significant problem is that if I am still at all sick next week then my surgery could be cancelled. I couldn't imagine having to wait for a new surgery date all over again. I just can't put this off anymore. So I am trying my very hardest to get better in a hurry. Lots of sleep, forcing fluids, and lots of meds.

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Hunger: none
Body Image: couldn't care less
General disposition: sick
Song of the day: Turn to Stone by Joe Walsh

It is weird how much this struck me....

So I'm sitting here, watching this past week's episodes of Biggest Loser, a show I am only just starting to enjoy and become a fan of. While I believe in Jillian's abilities as a trainer I don't think I would ever accuse her of being overly poetic or poignant. However, she just said something to one of the players that made me sort of wake up. I may not have the exact quote but it was something like...

You will spend 100% of your time on this earth in this body.

Look, I know this is about as obvious a statement as a person can make, apart from maybe "The pope is catholic" or "The sun is hot.". I know it was far from ground breaking but it is sometimes the really obvious things that escape you. I think this is one of those things for me, and having it sort of clicked in my mind... it gives this a different perspective. It isn't like a pair of shoes, that once it wears out I can buy a new body and  I don't want to be stuck wearing a pair of ratty shoes with worn out soles and broken laces for the rest of my life. The changes I've made so far, and the determination I have to continue on this new path, I think are all going to make sure I will be well shod for life. At least as far as I have control over. ;)

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Hunger: I'm more snackish than hungry
Body Image: pretty good actually!
General disposition: excited
Song of the day: Find a Better Day by Grand Funk Railroad

Mediocre weigh-in | message board purgatory

Current Weight: 261.8 lbs
Lost This Week: 1.6 lbs

So despite killing it at the gym I only lost 1.6 lbs. Good, but not as much as I would have liked. I have only lost just a little over 3lbs over the past 4 weeks, which I think is the worst 4 weeks I've had yet on WW. It has, however, brought me past the 45lbs lost threshold, so that's good. I just hope that next week I lose at least 2lbs. I would love to be in the 250s before my surgery and time is running out.


In other news, I feel like there is no place I belong anymore on the weight watchers message boards. I used to frequent the 100lbs to lose board but I don't really belong there anymore, and not just because I don't have 100lbs to lose anymore. Mentally and physically I am in such a different place than most of them. I'm happy, for one, and lately that seems like it puts me in the minority. Also, I enjoy exercise and spend over an hour at the gym 5 days a week which sets me far apart from the people declaring a goal of 20 minutes of walking four times a week. I'm NOT saying that their goals are unworthy or admirable, nor am I say that their concerns and worries aren't founded. I used to be exactly like these people (for the most part) so I know what it is like. But that isn't me at all anymore, so while I can relate to them I feel like they can't relate to me. I don't feel comfortable posting about my issues, my thoughts, my perspectives simply because I am coming from some place so different.

The other board I could be inclined to be more active on is the 20 year old board but I have the complete opposite problem there. Most of the people there have 20-30lbs to loose, currently weigh less than my goal weight, and are far and beyond where I am. Plus, I sincerely feel paranoid that people on that board judge those of us with 300s and 200s in our stats. The couple of posts I have made have earned me a couple positive, helpful replies but there are always the slightly acid, backhanded ones as well. Recently I posted a question regard to my activity points and whether it is a good idea to have 40+ AP left over at the end of the week, and I received very few actual answers and a bunch more of "How could you ever earn 50 AP in a week!?" I'm sure not all of them meant it as rudely/hurtful as I initially took it. I mean, yes, I am obese, but I'm active as hell. Five days a week I do 45 minutes of high intensity (based on my heart rate) on the elliptical and 20+ minutes of strength training. I average over a pound of loss after each workout from sweating so much. These are not half-assed workouts. At my weight, that calculates to about 12AP each workout. I work extremely hard, harder than a whole lot of people that are a lot smaller than me.

Anyway, my point was that I am in message board purgatory. I belong no where and don't feel like I have a real shared perspective with people (which is much less tragic that it reads! LOL).

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Hunger: I have been starving for a week!
Body Image: mediocre
General disposition: preoccupied with my hunger, but alright
Song of the day: I Don't Wanna Wait  by Holly Cole (I think)

Curse you, Kelloggs!

Dear Kellogg's, 

Your Special K Red Berries cereal is killing me with deliciousness. I find myself wanting to eat it constantly and it takes every ounce of my being to resist. To market it as a 'healthy' cereal and to then make it suffocatingly delicious and crave worthy was cruel. I both hate you and love you for making it.

Sincerely,

Me

Seriously, this cereal is amazing and I have eaten an obscene amount of it over the past few days. The fact that it is quite low point (2pts for a cup plus 1pt for the milk) is my only comfort so I don't feel so badly eating so much of it. It is a little pricey though, which is why I think I am going to try the President's Choice version of it (I think it is called "On Track" or something). Hopefully it is equaled in deliciousness and not too different point wise.

Speaking of President's Choice, I 100% regret ever trying their Key Lime Pie. Holy eff, this pie murders my soul.  Tiff and I got one over New Years and had to really struggle to ration it. The temptation was to just sit down and eat the whole thing. Now that I am back to eating properly and carefully I am forcing myself to resist it but all I really want to do is buy one and just eat the whole thing. This is almost worse that the canned frosting craving. I made the horrible (yet very smart) decision to see how many points this pie is worth and one piece is ten points. Freg. Just three little pieces of this heavenly pie would be more than my daily allotment of points. I honestly can't explain how delicious this pie is and I believe it was a mistake to ever try it. My only comfort comes from my decision to have it in place of a birthday cake this year. My birthday is a month and a half away so I am thinking I can wait until then.

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Hunger: nada

Body Image: my boobs feel small today... it isn't fun. I generally like my boobs. :(

General disposition: moderately good

Song of the day: Giving Up The Day by Vampire Weekend

What. The. Hell.

Current Weight: 263.4 lbs
Lost This Week: 0.6 lbs

How in the name of all things holy is this even possible?! Last weekend Tiff and I totally went crazy and ate like frat boys. I ate, over a 4 day period, a truly disgusting amount of food - a whole 12inch stuffed crust pizza to myself, McDonald's breakfast, half a key lime pie, a 40 of rum, half a pan of Nanaimo bars.... and yet I still lost weight. It might catch up to me next week but all the Christmas eating didn't... anyway, I'm shocked. I'm back to eating like a human being and getting in some really awesome workouts at the gym, so I'm getting my body back to its normal healthy state and habits.

Last weekend was fun but it was the last time in a long time that I'll do that. Time to lock things down since I only have 3 weeks left until my surgery.

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Hunger: very high
Body Image: not super, but fine
General disposition: incredulous
Song of the day: Silver, Blue and Gold by Bad Company

The week that wouldn't end

This week has been brutal, and it is only wednesday. I think between having little to no downtime since Christmas and eating all the crap last weekend my body is all "Oh no you d'in't!" and crashing. I'm exhausted, I feel physically and mentally sluggish, and I feel extra jiggly. I think it is because my clothes are too loose so things feel all floofy and wobbly on my body, but it isn't a nice feeling. So basically I feel like my body has kicked me in the nuts (if I had them) for pushing it too hard with too little sleep and filling it with bad stuff. You definitely have made your point, body. Message recieved.

All I am focusing on is getting through to Friday. This weekend I am going to binge on sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. And watching of the tv. Sleep and tv. So that I don't feel totally horrid afterwards I am also going to go to the gym, but apart from that it is quiet time by myself to sleep and watch horrible "so bad it's good" stuff like "Dawson's Creek" and "Lois and Clark". Maybe even some Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

In the meantime I am just slogging through. I have been staying totally on point food wise, being very sure to eat loads of veggies and drink lots of water (again trying to undo the food from last weekend), plus I have been forcing my poor blorpy body to the gym and not letting myself do a workout half assed. I normally have little problem going to the gym, hell I went all through Christmas holidays, but my energy level is so low at the moment it is a real struggle. But I've gone all week, and will be going tonight too. Tomorrow is my weigh-in and  while I expect there to be a gain I think that will be good for my headspace. I'll like to see my points reset and start fresh.

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Hunger: moderate
Body Image: jiggly... the only word I can use is 'jiggly'
General disposition: just okay
Song of the day: I Want Freedom by Grand Funk Railroad

DEFINITELY a gain this week. For real this time.

Well, my weekend was awesome. My cousin Tiff came down New Years Eve and didn't leave until this morning. We had a really fun time, watched an obscene number of movies, and consumed way too much stuff I really shouldn't have eaten. But it was worth it. My surgery is in three and a half weeks and I am going to be super on top of things until then. Last weekend was what I expect will be my final food binge time. I know I shouldn't need or want a freebie food weekend like I took last weekend I kind of feel like those times are part of my success. That said, it looks like I'm going to have a moderate gain this week. Oh well.

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Hunger: eating supper as I type!
Body Image: kinda gross
General disposition: frustrated, over tired, but fine
Song of the day: Mutiny, I promise you by The New Pornographers